TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It's supposed to be fun, you know, all the surprising things you learn about people you like and start dating - details about their life that bloom around you like a flower - 

"Oh, I didn't know you trained for a marathon every other year!"

Or..."You used to bake pies for a living?? Fantastic!!" 

Or even, "You're a bar trivia host? That sounds like fun!" 

(Uh…for example. But really, put your cell phones away until you turn in your answer. It's not fair to the others.)

Ha.

Anyway.

There are other kinds of surprising details you learn about someone's life — things you learn after you decide you like them, mind you — that are considerably NOT fun. 

Which is sad, because I normally love surprise parties.

Paul, this guy my friend Jackie hooked up with for about two months, decided to take the element of surprise to an infuriating level.

He and Jackie met at a summer music festival (hippies) where they clicked immediately and entertained a long-distance fling after discovering they lived just one state away from each other and it was easily drivable. 

Why not? Jackie thought. 

She was single, couldn't seem to meet anybody great where she lived and he was attractive, confident and worked with his hands  (insert voice of Tim Allen HO HO HO!!!)

They met three times in two months after their initial meeting where they bonded over indie rock bands. 

They went on a mountain hike/camping trip together where they snuggled in the same tent and counted the stars (no, really…swoon). 

Another time, Jackie and Paul met for an all-day canoeing excursion and talked about their mutual love for the outdoors and adventure and how he wanted to build a cabin and go there every summer blah blah blah.

Jackie even went to Paul's house one weekend, a very cool house in the woods and they had a relaxing weekend laying on the couch drinking wine...naked. 

When she returned back to her home state, she was super giddy about Paul, Paul the hot lumberjack— Paul Bunyon— who held her close in his big, strong arms. 

She texted him cute things throughout the week as she always did, but she noticed he wasn't responding to her calls and texts. 

Hmm, odd. 

They had ended on perfectly good terms, with a lingering goodbye, even plans to go to another music festival in the fall. He even said he'd pay her ticket to go with him. 

Jackie knew that it was a silly dream to think that this long-distance relationship could work, but she liked him. 

She even thought that it might be fun to move to the mountains for awhile. 

But now, she found herself staring at her phone, frowning. What was going on?? It had been a week and nothing from him. 

Did he get jammed under a log???

Was he off somewhere with no cell phone service?

TWO weeks after their last long weekend at his house, Jackie was concerned. And pissed. So she sent him a text message. 

"Hey, I don't know what's going on with you but I notice that you're not responding or calling me back," she wrote.

That's when Paul replied...with a surprise.

"Yea, I'm busy with my wife," he wrote.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT??!!!???

WIFE!!?!?!?!

That was the whole text: "Busy with my wife." 

No explanation, no additional information. 

Jackie almost wrote back WHAT WIFE?? WHO IS THIS?? and then she almost threw her phone out the window.

A WIFE??

WHERE WAS HIS WIFE WHEN SHE SPENT THE WHOLE WEEKEND AT HIS HOUSE???

Paul never ever mentioned a wife, or an ex-wife, or any "ex" in the hours they had spent together. 

I guess he was too busy surprising her with the good details of his life, like how he knows how to build cabins and gig for flounder.

It was infuriating. 

Two weeks ago, he was about to spend hundreds of dollars on her to go with him to a festival. 

And today, he has a WIFE???

SURPRISE!!!!!!!

Ugh.

How embarrassing.

WORST surprise party ever. 

I suddenly feel like throwing a cake in someone's face.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I really should thank Max for being such a toolbag, since his job was the one that I took over as editor for once upon a time.

…But I still hope I never meet him in real life.

Max, the 40-something-year-old guy who held the editor position for about four years, was fired. 

Not laid off, in the way most people stop working for a print newspaper, although laid off would be an appropriate thing to say here, since the man was fired for DOWNLOADING AND LOOKING AT PORN ON HIS WORK COMPUTER. 

Seriously. 

How much porn do you ask?? 

Like a NSFW email clip that wasn't deleted???

No. 

Try FOUR DVDs worth of 2-minute clips. 

FOUR DVDS WORTH!!!!

Could you BE more inappropriate???

"Hey Jenny, how'd you get that editor job?"

"Oh, the former editor was fired for downloading porn."

Now, please forget — like I have — the fact that I had been USING SAID COMPUTER and TYPING ON THE KEYS daily.

Let's review the facts here.

1.) The computer is not a laptop. It can not be moved, and was not taken home. Which means that the only time and place Max was downloading and looking at porn was at work….and being paid for it. 

I remember my first day before I sat down at the desk, the boss asked the IT guy if the computer "had been cleaned out." 

I thought it was odd, when the IT guy nodded in a weird way, and then they both stopped talking immediately.

When I was finally clued into the office gossip, I was mortified. 

When I asked if anyone suspected anything, the employee said, "Not really, he'd be in his office all day with the door closed."

Ew. 

Door closed. One guess why.

I looked throughly grossed out and was told, "Don't worry, we painted the walls before you got here."

WHY WOULD THE WALLS NEED TO BE PAINTED???  I asked. 

Then: Oh God. Don't answer that.

2.) Max is married. When I expressed my disgust with this fact -  "His poor wife!!! Can you imagine having to tell people that your husband was fired for downloading 4 DVDs worth of porn at work???" - the same employee noted, "Well, he can't very well watch porn at home with his wife and kids around! What was he supposed to do??" 

I scoffed at this justification. Why couldn't he have gotten a smartphone for his viewing pleasure??? 

But then, well, Max wasn't a very smart guy…

3.) He was caught. NOT red-handed or red-faced, thank God (uggggghhh). 

But still, there's something to be said for people coming (that's what she said! No, this is no time for sex jokes) …coming clean about things they do wrong, rather than get caught. 

But Max didn't come clean. He got found out, and in a way that could have put the entire company in jeopardy. 

I swear I am not making this up…from what I'm told about the discovery, the president of the company was at the office alone in the evening when a woman stopped in to look at a proof of an ad that she was running for her business. 

Her business happened to begin with the letters "B-u-s-t….." and GUESS WHAT SHOWED UP WHEN THE BOSS SEARCHED FOR "BUST" in Max's computer????

GUESS!!!!

Image after image and video clip after video clip of "busts" of all kinds showed up - big busts, round busts, black busts, juicy busts…and the boss thought right then he was going to be accused of sexual harassment when this poor woman's jaw dropped.  

They were the only ones in the office.

"I don't know where all this came from!" the president said, frantically trying to close the "search results" window. 

"I'm a married man!" he told her. 

Ugh…yea, so's Max. 

4.) MAX CLAIMED WRONGFUL TERMINATION. 

Dude.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is the icing on the cake. 

When the IT guy peeked into Max's computer and saw that Max had more porn clips than actual work documents, he was fired. Duh. 

But Max didn't go quietly. No, he actually said to the boss - and everybody - that he was going to SUE for WRONGFUL TERMINATION  because, and I quote:

No, really, get ready....

"THERE'S NOTHING IN THE HANDBOOK ABOUT IT!!"

 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then: "IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S ILLEGAL, IT WASN'T CHILD PORN."

!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, now we need to specifically say in employee handbooks that employees are NOT allowed to download and watch porn at work???

What about not pooping on the floor???

That's not…illegal either.

IDIOT.

WRONGFUL TERMINATION!!! 

The IT guy said that threat was how and why they know exactly how many porn clips he had, since at the advice of their lawyer, they copied all the incriminating files onto DVDs in case they had to present it in court.

PRESENT IT IN COURT!!

Jesus.

Thankfully, no one has heard from Max in court, or in life, ever since. 

And the only things with the word "bust" on the computer are press releases from the sheriff's office.

…For illegal things, of course.

-Jenny

Looking back...on not looking back

The rearview mirror in my car fell off three weeks ago, and I think it's made me a better driver.

Cue analogy to life (while wearing a cowboy hat): "GOT MY REARVIEW MIRROR TORN OFF…CUZ I AIN'T NEVER LOOKIN' BACK…AND THAT'S A FACT"

Speaking of facts, I don't know why it fell off. 

It's probably because the 90-THOUSAND degree temperature we're hitting already in New Orleans made the mirror glue weak and defective. 

I didn't notice it at first. 

I got into my car after work one day, put the car in reverse and looked up to where the mirror normally is but didn't see anything. 

For a second, I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I scanned the entire windshield, confused. 

What's wrong…what's wrong…I thought, still in reverse in the parking lot, a similar internal reaction to when I see a guy who has dramatically changed his facial hair. 

You look….different! I KNOW you do!!! Just can't put my finger on what exactly it is…

When I figured out that the problem was that there was no mirror there, I became extra confused because my first instinct was that someone had stolen it. 

I actually checked my center console for my iPod. Whew. 

"Who steals a rearview mirror and not an iPod??" I thought for a split second.

But then I looked on the floor and there it was, halfway under the passenger seat reflecting NOTHING. 

I put the car in park and picked it up, observing the orange-y glue on the back side of the mirror and on the windshield. 

I tried to just stick it back up there, durrr, with no luck, obviously.

So I tossed it aside and started driving forward with NO EYES BEHIND THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

And guess what!??! It's been god damn delightful!!

Is there a car riding my ass? I don't know! I can't see behind me! 

Yes, it appears from looking at my side mirrors that a car is indeed traveling very close behind me, but those mirrors specifically say that things are all skewed and look closer than they appear right?? 

So, who cares. 

(Go around me, turd.)

No, at first, the only major concern I had with no rearview mirror was switching lanes. 

THE DRIVER'S ED INSTRUCTOR SAID YOU MUST BE ABLE TO SEE BOTH HEADLIGHTS OF THE CAR IN THE LANE NEXT TO YOU IN ORDER TO SAFELY SWITCH LANES…HOW WILL I KNOW NOW??? 

I CAN'T TELL IF BOTH HEADLIGHTS WOULD BE SEEN FROM WHERE THE MIRROR USED TO BE!!

But as it turns out, turning your entire head to check for cars in other lanes is just as effective.

And who needs to look behind them anyway??? 

(Well, besides to check and see that the floating plastic bag you ran over was still indeed floating around the street behind you and not sucked up into your car's engine, of course.)

I mean, lots of people don't drive with rearview mirrors. Motorcyclists!!! Scooter-ists!!!! People who drive big rape vans!!! Um, I mean construction vans.

It wasn't even a problem for me to parallel park with no rearview mirror, since a wise person once told me, "Turn your ENTIRE head and body around when you back into a spot, why don't women do this???" and I've made it a practice ever since.

But my no-mirror bliss was sharply interrupted the first time I noticed a cop behind me. I panicked. 

DID HE NOTICE I DON'T HAVE A REARVIEW MIRROR?? 

CAN YOU TELL IF SOMEONE DOESN'T HAVE A REARVIEW MIRROR WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING BEHIND THEM???

I cursed the street for not having a car in front of me at that moment to tell.

Then I thought, "Relax, he'd be looking at your license plate if anything. 

Then: OH GOD, I NEVER PAID MY RED LIGHT CAMERA TICKETS!!"

Four panic-attack blocks later and the cop turned off somewhere else (I know because I looked at my side mirrors) so I never got in trouble for my missing car accessory.

The next week, I needed to get my oil changed and tried to get the shop to put my mirror back up but the technician said no, they didn't have rearview mirror glue. He said I could get some at Auto Zone.

"You know it's illegal to drive without a rearview mirror," he said.

WELL HOW DO THE "CONSTRUCTION VANS" GET AWAY WITH IT??

The truth was, I enjoyed riding around town without looking back. I know it sounds kinda dumb, but it was really freeing. 

And BONUS, I could use the mirror that was sitting on the passenger seat as a super up-close mirror to check things like the sleep in my eyes at red lights!

But alas, every single cop in town must have known that I was missing my rearview mirror AND that I was paranoid about it, because at least once a day a cop would drive behind me and I couldn't take the stress. 

Act natural!!!! I would say to myself. Definitely DON'T turn your entire head and body around right now. 

My rearview mirror was finally fixed by my dad when I was out of town last weekend. 

My mom picked me up from the airport in my car with the reflecting rectangle stuck firmly on the windshield.

"You father said not to touch it for 24 hours!" she instructed.

I was about to drive when my mom asked me if I had my glasses.

"No," I said. 

"Well how are you going to see??" she asked, taking the keys back.

"I don't need to see…uh, behind me…" I said. "NEVER LOOKING BACK! ...AND THAT'S A FACT!"

Silence.

Needless to say, I rightfully slumped in the passenger seat all the way home.

Ugh. 

Hindsight.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I thought that when I turned 30 I'd stop hearing about childish guys doing childish things on Facebook but NO WAY.  

NO WAY JOSÉ!!!

We ARE the first generation of Facebook users and have just as much of a right to abuse social media as 13-year-olds, ThankYouVeryMuch. 

Up until now, though, I've only witnessed (and have experienced first-hand in the past, ugh) the ever-so-smooth, absolutely not obvious, all-of-a-sudden posting and tagging of photos showing how much fun a guy is having with another girl two days after you end things. 

Slow spelling: C-O-O-L

No, it doesn't matter that for the entire time you knew him, his page was pretty much inactive, not even a goodbye message during the Mayan end of the world. 

No! What's more important is an upload (first one ever!!!) of his new girlfriend's cat. 

Or the two of them goofing off in a gas station among the different flavors of Doritos.

VOMIT.

My favorite story is still this guy who REFUSED to upload any pictures to Facebook, including a picture of white-water rafting with his then-girlfriend ("I don't know how to use uploader") but then exactly a week after they break up, he feels the need to upload a picture of "homemade cookies by Kayla!!! Thanks Kayla!!!"

Hahahahaha

(FYI no one knew a Kayla. Kayla just appeared.)

But all this is BABY stuff compared to what Andrew, my friend Rachel's horrible ex-husband, has been doing on Facebook lately. 

Andrew, now a THREE-TIME TOOLBAG TUESDAY Dundie Award winner, just can't stop. 

(Read about him here, and here )

Quick back story: Andrew was married to my friend Rachel and decided to not only cheat on her but fall in love with his mistress, who was also married. 

He kept all this a secret until he was caught red-handed, and now he and his mistress are engaged. And pregnant. 

VOMIT.

Rachel got the F out of that marriage and got out of the small town they lived in immediately, and for the past year has been living a carefree, loser-free life in a more civilized place.

But last week, Rachel got a text from a friend, who was still friends with Andrew on Facebook: 

"Oh my God, have you seen Andrew's Facebook today"

No, of course she hadn't seen it, she's not friends with him in any world. 

"Why? What does it say?" she asked.

YA'LL. FOR REAL…..

Andrew wrote as his status: 

"If anyone has gotten any messages from me DELETE THEM! It's my ex-wife who hacked into my account and is messing with people.

UM…WHAT????

No. No. NO. She absolutely, unequivocally did not do anything of the sort. Andrew was lying...LYING to all his Facebook friends!!!!

Ha

But it gets better.

"Keep in mind, NO ONE commented or liked it or anything," Rachel said. 

Yet, five minutes after Andrew posted that, he commented on his own status:

"It's sad really, she did it with the $3,000 LAPTOP THAT I BOUGHT HER!"

WTF!!!???? 

He can read minds computers????

But he still wasn't done.

"Again, NO ONE commented or liked it," Rachel repeats. 

Basically, he was having this conversation with himself. 

"SHE'S JUST MAD THAT I'VE MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE AND SHE'S NOTHING BUT A BAD MEMORY."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude. 

Beyond vomit.

It takes a special kind of asshole to lie and cheat on your wife while impregnating someone else and then say that SHE'S the bad memory. 

...On top of airing this libel-ous ridiculousness to all of Facebook.

Rachel didn't touch it, because "he only wants attention from me and my family," she concluded.

(Their divorce had recently been finalized.)  

And what I can only cop to "level-headedness of steel" she just rolled her eyes and moved on with her day. 

But her next status? 

"People make me laugh!" she wrote.

I liked it.

-Jenny