Tuesday, July 26, 2016


ED NOTE: I’m up to my eyeballs in work, so I don’t have time to write a proper Toolbag Tuesday today, but I can’t stop laughing at this dumbass text message exchange my friend sent me from a guy she’s dating:

“I told him that I needed extra TLC this week because I’m PMSing.”

“He responded with ‘great. Looking forward to being nice to you on your period. Can’t wait.’”


(yes he's being sarcastic)

From what I’ve gathered, this is the typical response from someone who has no sisters and/or attended an all-boys Catholic High School and wasn't taught basic survival skills like bearing "food-gifts" and giving extra attention to their menstruating girlfriends.

...And may God have mercy on his soul.


Tuesday, July 19, 2016


I love when a guy you’re dating can teach you things, like the rules of basketball or how to do an Irish Car Bomb.

Sometimes, though, these lessons go much deeper. 

My friend Willa and and this guy Greg dated for almost a year and slowly, Willa found herself staying at his house all the time.

It wasn't an official “move in” together, it was more of a “she's there all the time” situation, and he gave her a few drawers so she had clothes and other girly possessions there permanently.

So, it became them living together organically without a "lets move in" conversation.

Willa and Greg did, however, start talking about her renting out her house out, because they both acknowledged that she spent no time there.

But about three weeks after having the conversation of how much to rent her house for and HIM telling her to move her CAT into his place, he decided that all the stuff that he suggested was "too much."


But, no, he didn’t want to stop dating altogether...

He only wanted to date her on the WEEKENDS.





Selfish prick.

So, within a month, their relationship goes from a full-on cohabitation with HER CAT scenario to Saturdays only.

So Willa said she was leaving him.

Yet, every time she went by his house DURING THE WEEK, DESPITE HIM to get her things back, he’d say sorry, and keep her there for dinner and she’d spend the night.

She couldn’t leave him.

It was only when the situation finally began wearing her down that she told him that it had to go one way or another. 

"Either have me seven days a week or zero days a week."

Greg would flip-flop his answer and then bring her back to bed and she still couldn't leave him.

But she kept pressing him about the "weekend only" thing.

He finally told her, exasperated, that her problem is that she, “always knew when to come around, but never knew when to leave.”





And that's how Greg taught her how to leave. For good.



Tuesday, July 12, 2016


Job descriptions always talk about the unimportant things about working there, like "dental insurance," "flexible hours" and “leadership opportunities.”

They don’t mention the really important things, like how the job comes with resident office CREEPS, guys who you’ll have to put up with every day.

It wouldn’t kill employer XYZ to casually mention in the job description: “In addition to 15 days of paid vacation a year, you’ll be sitting at a very spacious corner desk with Phil, who likes to talk about how women should wear the highest heels possible, because he really likes calves.”

I used to work at a very large office years and years ago, and had the unfortunate luck to work with a very creepy IT guy who mistook my being impressed with his IT skills (uhhh…he figured out my forgotten password) as a green light to hack me.

HACK me.

...Because THAT’S what girls like.

One day he casually strolled by my desk and said, “You should really turn off your Bluetooth.”

I didn’t’ even know what Bluetooth was at the time.


“Because you leave yourself WIIIIIIDE open,” he said.


(Where's the escape button??)

“For example,” he continued. “I don’t want to know that you just checked UPS tracking to see when your new perfume shipment was coming.”


I gulped wide-eyed. I had just done that. From my phone, from the privacy of my desk.



"…Very competitive salary, plus an in-house technician that thoughtfully spies on you through your iPhone!”

“I don’t…want…you to know that either,” I said, feeling violated. But rather than pick up on my sarcasm, he cackled and walked away, thinking he did me some sort of favor.

Every day, there would be another creepy encounter that involved technology.

He “joked” that he was going to put cameras up in the hallway to the bathroom that only me and another female co-worker used. 

Seriously, we took out a broom and used the handle to push up the square ceiling tiles to make sure there wasn’t one hidden up there.


Then came the final straw.

He was troubleshooting a problem with me over the phone when he casually commented that I should “be careful” or else he’d HACK INTO MY COMPUTER'S CAMERA and watch me as I typed at the computer all day.

“Why…would you do that?” I asked. “I feel like I would need to 'OK’ that on my end.”

“Because I can!” he said, and then hung up.

I immediately put a Post-It note over the little dot on the camera and tried to shake off his creepy, slimy comment.

The next day, I found him sitting at my desk, at my computer, on the phone.

“Err….updating Adobe,” he said when I walked in, and then immediately got up.

It was fishy. I was using a bootleg copy of Adobe and it wasn't update-able. Even I knew that.

Then I saw it: The post-it note had disappeared. Of course.

That was it.

I went to our boss and told him how creeped out I was and asked to file a formal complaint.

“Wait…WHAT is he doing in the bathrooms???” the boss said.

I handed him the broom.

The next day, I was called back to the boss’ office.

He had spoken with the in-house creep/hacker who admitted he did all of those things and that it was a “joke.”

“Well, I told him that we don’t 'joke' like that here,” the boss told me, as if the matter was finished. 

“He’s just someone we all deal with, best to not let him think that you think these things are funny.”


My mouth dropped.


It was the absolute worst job I ever had, and it had nothing to do with the actual work. 

No wonder they couldn't find quality employees! They had a creep on the payroll.

I quit a short time later, and haven’t heard from either person since (maybe because I turned off my Bluetooth.)


The silver lining, though, is that now employers think I’m really comprehensive when they ask me if I have any questions during a job interview.

Tell me about your IT department...

Also...where are your brooms located?


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