Tuesday, September 24, 2013


Today's post is probably the most hilarious excuse I've ever heard to not commit to someone.

It's not quite, "I'm moving to Yemen," (Mrs. Chanandlor Bong) but it's still pretty awesome.

Rob, this guy my friend Betsy dated, after five weeks of sleeping together, told her he wanted to "talk about their relationship." 

While in bed.

"OMG me too!" Betsy said, excited. She liked him and wanted him to be her boyfriend. 

(She was also naked, and what guy dumps a girl who's naked in his bed???)


"Well," Rob started. "I can't really date just one person."



"See," he said. "It's not my fault. I'm diagnosed ADHD, and I just can't…focus on one thing, you know?"



DUDE. This isn't SPANISH homework.

Betsy suddenly understood what was going on. She then asked him how many other women he was sleeping with. 

"Around five," he said. 


So a man that can't seem to "focus" on one thing is now focusing on five things??? 

Must be a breakthrough.

Betsy immediately got up and fumbled around to put her clothes on (WHO DUMPS A GIRL WHEN SHE'S NAKED IN YOUR BED?? AN ADHD PERSON, THAT'S WHO. WANNA RIDE BIKES???) 

Rob tried to explain, "Look, I was married once and it didn't work out. And that's when I was diagnosed."


THAT'S why his marriage didn't work out?? Undiagnosed attention deficit disorder??

Man, get me the name of THAT therapist. 

(No, boss, I wasn't late to work today because I'm a lazy F, I have selective waking patterns. Really. Talk to my doctor.)

I mean, was Betsy really supposed to believe that lame-ass excuse?? 

And exactly how many people in this country are diagnosed with ADHD? 120 million???? 140 million???

Definitely everyone I went to college with.

Are NONE of them capable of being monogamous??


Rob totally read his 'A' letter diagnosis wrong. 

He's got a major case of the assholes.


Tuesday, September 17, 2013


Remember when you were in elementary school in the auditorium and everyone was being all loud and the teacher yelled at everyone to stop yelling??

(And you were like, but you're yelling…so…)

It's that type of hypocrisy that's inspired today's Toolbag: Peter.

Peter is a hypocrite. The the kind of guy who will tell you you're an asshole while having sex with your sister.

But in the case of his relationship with my friend Norah, Peter decided tell her, after they broke up, that she was being a "baby" while he was knee-deep in a temper tantrum. 

(Speaking of knees, he also ended the message with, "YOU CAN SUCK MY D---!")

And they say you can't find a gentleman anymore.

Norah and Peter had been seeing each other for a month and had this super intense connection and saw each other every night for two weeks straight. 

He even went on a vacation with Norah and her friends and spent the entire time gushing over how much he liked her, telling all of her friends how super awesome she was. When everyone returned home, Norah and Peter kissed goodbye and said see you tomorrow.

But Norah said Peter then disappeared off the face of the Earth. 

He didn't call her back, he didn't return her texts. It was confusing. 

She even looked at the parish prison inmate search looking for him. (No, wait, that was me that one time) 

Finally after day FOUR, Peter called Norah back to tell her the good news. He and his ex-girlfriend are getting back together. 


Ummm...where exactly was this EX when he was busy professing his love for her in front of her friends???!!!??

Ugh. That's annoying as shit.

Norah was rightfully upset and felt super played. 


Right as Norah was getting over the sting of their ended relationship, her friend decided to post pictures from the vacation, pictures that included Peter. 

In one particular photo, Peter had a weird look on his face, making some weird hand sign that nobody cared about. 

One of HIS friends commented on the photo, "Oh, looks like Peter rode the short bus that day." 


Norah laughed; she already knew Peter was retarded.

So she also commented on the photo: "Totally. Learned that the hard way."

It was a pretty vague statement, and could even be interpreted as a joke.

But Peter wasn't laughing. 

Instead of yelling at his friend who made the initial comment, he decided to call Norah to tell her what a complete BABY she was for, um, letting the Facebook world know they broke up??


In the most HILARIOUS voicemail I have ever heard, which I will entitle "Hey kettle, you're black," Peter accuses Norah of "needing to grow up" while he himself acts like a baby. 

It's hypocrisy heaven. 

"This conversation that's going on on Facebook, really? How f*cking old are you? You're 30 years old! Grow the F up!" Peter yells on the voicemail. 



I totally forgot that only adults throw other people's keys in the garbage.

He then says, "YOU CAN SUCK MY D*CK"  immediately before saying, "Seriously, I've treated you with nothing but respect."


"And you won't be getting any money from me," Peter says, in reference to $20 he owed her from the trip. 

Such class.

The temper tantrum goes on for a full minute, where - in the middle of him repeating that she needs to grow up - he challenges a male friend of hers who also commented on the photo to come over to his apartment because, "Gladly, I'll help him out with his f*cking teeth."


Where's my elementary school teacher???

We've got another child who needs to stop yelling.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013


It's always embarrassing when you're at a restaurant with someone who pays the bill and they leave a horrible tip. 

And by horrible tip I mean NO tip.

It's even worse when this happens on a first date, because you don't know how to address the situation. 

Even worse worse? When the person paying the bill on your first date is a freaking CHEF.


A lifelong restaurant worker who doesn't leave a tip!!??

Gah. That's like going out with a doctor who smokes cigarettes. 


Tony, the chef, did know better. He's just a jerk chicken.

Tony is the chef and owner of a very prominent restaurant downtown and he met my friend Stacey on this new online dating app called Skout. 

After chatting back and forth about life ("He seemed really successful, witty, charming," Stacey said), they decided to meet for dinner. 

But that's where the romance ended. 

Since he was a foodie, they decided to go to a new fusion restaurant that had just opened, and Tony spent a good portion of the dinner bitching about the food and the service. 

Granted, Stacey said the food was weird, that the hamburger arrived on slices of French bread as a bun and a mojito was served with a side of a meatball. 

(Ed note: HAHAHAHAAHA wtf. Wait, now I kind of want to eat there.)


Stacey tried to steer Tony away from bitching about everything by asking him about his work and his restaurant. But he could say nothing positive there either. 

Most of the conversation was about his business and how hard it was to find good help.

Tony charmed her with a story about "how this one black guy he'd hired had stolen all these knives and a slicer from him and he'd seen the items on Craigslist but the cops wouldn't do anything about it and how there was a reason for stereotypes."



It's always fun to realize you're on a date with a racist.

After Tony was done bitching about the thief, he said his current help is shit and that he asked this one girl he hired as a server to wash green beans and she asked if she should use soap (haha aww) and he fired her.


(This guy would be hysterial if he wasn't so angry.) 

It quickly became clear that Tony hates servers.
And any server who had the unfortunate pleasure of waiting on him would be his next victim. 

(Uh...good thing he never met me.)

Stacey said it didn't help that Tony had worked himself up into a tizzy about bad help, because his change from the bill came back and the server had rounded up to the nearest dollar rather than bring him back coins, and he was shorted 26 cents.

Tony became furious with the slight of change, since maybe he was going to a gumball machine later (haha), and with a red face he DUG INTO HIS POCKET and pulled out 26 cents. 

Which he left as the tip. 



On a $50 bill!!!

Stacey sat there, jaw dropped, as Tony explained: "She needs to learn to do better."

OMG. How embarrassing.

Stacey didn't know how to handle the situation, so she walked out of the restaurant as quickly as possible hoping the server wouldn't see the non-tip before they left.

This is teaching her a lesson!!???!! 

She probably didn't even know what the 26 cent "tip" meant.

What kind of ASSHOLE lessons would he try and teach HER if they started dating??

Someone should teach him a lesson. 

Or five.

First up: get a white guy to steal his knives.


Tuesday, September 3, 2013


I always find it hilarious when guys think chicks don't know how a cell phone works.

Especially an iPhone. Especially when she HAS an iPhone.

"Oh, babe, I didn't get your text about coming over and helping you move."

"Really? Then why did it tell me the exact TIME you read it???"

With all the advances in cell phone technology and a new iPhone being released every six minutes, none of the old cell phone excuses work anymore.

I’m pretty sure you can even get reception in a tunnel.

Today's smartphones make it very hard to lie. Just ask Randy.

Randy is this guy my friend Georgia dated this past summer who lied about why he was deleting text messages on his iPhone, and used the oldest excuse in the book.

Well, old like an excuse from 2002.

Georgia and Randy were friends first and then started dating and hit their four-month mark when they went on their first trip together, to Chicago. 

Randy was co-hosting a technology smartphone APP award convention thing (geek) (no, actually impressive) and Georgia was there as his date. 

She said it wasn't the dream trip she expected, since Randy didn't seem to appreciate her being there and made no reservations anywhere nor had any plans for them other than to watch bad TV in the hotel room.

She said he also let her pay the bill on their one Chicago dinner date, even though she paid for her own plane ticket to be there with him.


So, that was already strike 1, 2, and 2-and-a-half against Randy.

The next morning, they were catching an early plane out of Chicago and Georgia fell asleep in the cab on Randy's shoulder…with her iPhone in her lap. 

There was traffic and they were running late and when Georgia was woken up with a start, she got her bags and got out of the cab immediately without thinking about her iPhone that slipped off her lap into the cab. Or onto the sidewalk.

Of course, she didn't realize her phone was missing until they had gotten through security and were waiting at the gate.

Georgia needed to call her dad since it was Father's Day and dug through her purse, panicked.

"WHERE IS IT??" she yelled into her purse.

"I remember it was on your lap in the cab," Randy said. "It must have dropped."


"Well, can I use your phone then?" Georgia said. "I need to call my dad."

Georgia, who travels for work a lot, was upgraded to First Class and she was hoping she could take Randy's phone with her to her seat and use it during the 20 minutes or so it takes everyone else to board.

"I'll give it back to you when you pass me to get to COACH," she said, and would have laughed at that, had her own phone not been lost.

"Errr, well…" Randy said, hesitating.


Georgia said he then began frantically scrolling through his text messages, DELETING THEM, pretty much right in front of her face.

"What are you doing?? Are you deleting messages??" Georgia asked. 

"No!" Randy said. "I'm…checking on something."

Georgia wasn't an idiot, or blind, and had an iPhone so she knew what the messages screen looked like and knew what the red MINUS signs next to text messages mean, it means they're on the chopping block to be deleted. 

There were several problems with this situation.

First of all, what exactly did he not want her to read??
Second of all, what made him think she'd even look through his phone???

Assuming that a significant other is going to look through your phone unprompted is the kind of paranoia that only comes from someone who has a bunch of shit to hide.

Georgia was incensed.


She then walked into First Class, fuming, planning her breakup speech.

Randy passed her seat a few minutes later, when the commoners were allowed to board, and handed her his phone. 

"Here," he said. "Make all the calls you need."

Haha Eye roll.

Georgia took the phone without looking at him and called her dad, but after five minutes, the flight attendants told everyone to turn everything off.

She squeezed his phone in her fist in anger for the rest of the two-hour flight.

When the plane landed, First Class got off first, and Georgia thought about leaving the airport and not waiting for Randy at all, but she still had his phone and wanted to hear an explanation.

He met her a few minutes later and they walked silently to the parking garage where they had driven separately. 

That's when Randy used the classic excuse from 2002.

"Look," he said. "I had to delete a bunch of messages because my memory is full, and I can't get new text messages unless I delete old ones."



Did he forget that Georgia ALSO had an iPhone?   

Or that no one who has ever had an iPhone has EVER had that problem? 

She's not trying to take a picture with the phone, Randy.

Georgia was offended. 



She has a point. I can think of a ton of better excuses for having to suddenly delete text messages in front of my significant other before handing over my phone.

Ohhh, babe, I didn't want you reading messages about the surprise birthday party I'm throwing you! Woah, totally busted! 


"I was texting (insert friend’s name) about why one of his balls is suddenly way bigger than the other and I didn’t want to embarrass him.”

But no.

Randy, a TECH APP SMARTPHONE PROFESSIONAL, decided to instead lie about the features of the phone.

He didn’t have a response to Georgia’s question about the amount of effort he put into his lame-ass excuse.

Just silence. 

And silence again when she told him it was over.

Like cell phone reception in a tunnel...
In 2002.


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