Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Great Pumpkin Escape

Yesterday I had a very Charlie Brown day: I finally got around to buying a pumpkin and every grocery store was sold out.

Wuh Wuh Wuhhhhh

The plan for Halloween Eve was that my roommate, Ann, and I would carve pumpkins and then watch the movie Hocus Pocus.

But then, at dusk, as we trekked out for our round blank canvases (and liquor), all of the stores were sold out of round blank canvases.

We physically went to three stores and then called three more. Six grocery stores in a 5 mile-stretch. Not a pumpkin to be found.

The pumpkins!!! They…escaped us.

You know, this has happened to me before (Charlie Brown).

Why can’t grocery stores stock up on enough pumpkins??!!?

Don't they have people in purchasing who should anticipate this problem???



It’s extremely hard to think about what places other than grocery stores sell pumpkins when you’re out desperately looking for one.

(Ann and I don’t have children, we don’t know where to find a pumpkin patch.)

I couldn't even remember the last time I SAW a pumpkin for sale.

“Home Depot?” I suggested.

(No...we’re not building a pumpkin)

I listened to my roommate’s side of the conversation as she called every grocery store within five miles as I drove around in circles.

The people in produce had several excuses for the shortage.

One person said the store got a new shipment of pumpkins in today (yay!) but all the pumpkins were gross and had "soft spots" and they had to "send them back."

Hahahha ew

Whatever. Some people would have used them ANYWAY. Spooky soft spot pumpkin brains.

Another store employee said yes.

“YES!!?” Ann repeated, and I accelerated towards the interstate.

“Oh…” she said, and then hung up.

Yes, they DID have pumpkins, but they were the miniature pumpkins – “about the size of my fist,” the lady told her.

The great pumpkin shortage happened to me when I lived in South Carolina, and now it's happened in New Orleans. 

It’s a nationwide problem.

I had a bad feeling when I was at Walgreens earlier that day looking for a new book of carving stencils and cheap orange carving tools and was told there weren't any at all.

“We’ve been out of those for three weeks!” A grumpy employee in the photo department said, like I should have known.


This is the real problem. Retail people don’t care about Halloween other than candy. 


Ann and I briefly considered swiping our next door neighbors’ uncarved pumpkins that have been sitting on our shared porch for a week, since THEY DON’T TAKE PUMPKIN CARVING SERIOUSLY, EITHER, but we didn’t feel like explaining to them about the “pumpkin thief” in the neighborhood.

Alas, with nothing to carve, we went down the street instead to play bar trivia.

Team name: Where are all the pumpkins???

Good grief.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013


You know the people who hate going-away parties the most??

The people who are in love with the person who’s leaving.

(Please exclude military deployments or, uh, prison.)  

I’m talking about studying abroad, getting a master’s degree in “Anaconda studies” in the Amazon, backpacking through Europe for however long it takes to run out of money, moving to New York City to be a STAR, etc.

This is a move that generally people in their 20s and 30s do, and yes, it leaves the person they’re dating shit outta luck.

But if someone is supportive of the person they love's new life goals, or trusts that it’s the right thing for them to move, they’ll let them go like a bird and hope they fly back, or whatever.

True story: The guy who was dating my twin sister Joy in college, sent her off halfway across the country with a stack of self-addressed stamped envelopes and notebook paper and told her to write. Aw.

Angelo, this guy my friend Jessica dated, did not have that sweet side.

In fact, Angelo turned into a complete asshole upon hearing the news of Jessica's departure and completely ruined her going-away party.

Jessica is an artist with an art degree, which is one of the hardest professions to find a good-paying, steady job. 

She had been living in South Carolina trying to find work, when she found an opportunity several states away. 

Angelo and Jessica dated for six months . He had everything lined up for him in South Carolina, and was unable move with her.

It’s wasn’t a SURPRISE that she was moving (she couldn't find a job), and they agreed to be off-and-on, but Angelo chose to act out at her party in front of everyone.

The going-away party was at a dive bar that Jessica loved, and everyone saw when Angelo was clearly hitting on an unkown woman at the bar who was a bit older and, um, rougher around the edges.

Um, was Jessica supposed to be jealous?

Everyone tried to ignore Angelo, but as they were telling Jessica goodbye and sharing memories, he announced…TO THE ENTIRE TABLE…that he was leaving with the woman.


Ugh, how embarassing.

Jessica pulled him aside and snapped at him.

“You’re leaving my going-away party?? What’s the matter with you?” she asked.

Angelo then accessed the dumbass  portion of his brain. 

No. Beyond dumbass. 

“Yea,” Angelo said. “She told me she’d give me a blow job for $5…and I want to see if she is for real.”



“WHAT?!?” Jessica screamed.

“You’re leaving to do WHAT?” she asked.

“Yea well what do YOU care, you’re moving away,” he said nonchalantly.




Oh, that’s rich.

Angelo then ACTUALLY LEFT with this woman, as everyone’s jaw dropped.

We don’t think he went through with the proposition, or if there was even a proposition at all, but you really have to be off your rocker to think that saying you’ve been offered a $5 blow job by some crackhead at a bar will make your ex jealous and come running after you.

Thanks, Angelo, for making it NOT so hard to say goodbye.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Dating online? 
You're doing it wrong.

No, sorry, that wasn't directed at you.

If you're dating online and meeting only completely horrendous people, then you're doing it right, unfortunately.

That comment was directed at Dennis, this completely delusional guy my friend Erica went on one date with, years ago.

Dennis sent Erica a message on MySpace (hahahahahaha) and told her she was cute, and asked if she wanted to go out with him.

Erica had just moved to Boston and was looking to meet new people. Dennis had a cute profile picture and Erica saw that he was also in the banking profession. She accepted the date.

On the day of their date, however, Dennis texted her saying he HAD to tell her something. Erica couldn't get away from work so she told him to call her later.

Later, for Dennis, meant TEN minutes before their date.

TEN minutes before their date, that is, to drop the classic online dating BOMB:

"I'm not the person in my Myspace photo," he said. "That's my cousin."




"Um…what?" Erica said, jaw dropped. "Why…would you...have a picture of your cousin?"

"There's a really good reason. See you soon," Dennis said and hung up.



What "really good" reason could someone have to use a fake picture??

Was this guy a celebrity?



Erica was completely put-off by the news, but seeing as she was already dressed, she agreed to still meet him.

And Dennis showed up, a normal-looking person!!

Erica said he, uh, definitely wasn't as cute as his "cousin," but he wasn't hideous. 

But she remained confused when throughout dinner he never said anything to explain the fake picture as promised. She was too embarrassed to ask.

After dinner, Erica politely said thank you and went back to her apartment.

The next day, Dennis texted her about going out again.

"I don't think so," Erica wrote back. "I didn't like how you misrepresented yourself."

Hahahahaha misrepresented.

"EXCUSE ME??” he wrote back “I DID NO SUCH THING!"



He had a picture of somebody else saying it was him!!!

Erica tried to be reasonable.

She recalls: "I said, 'look, you called me 10 minutes before the date and told me you're not the guy in the picture. That was a big deal to me.'"

Then Delusional Dennis got angry.

This wasn't about him being a liar or committing picture fraud. (Or thinking that 10 minutes before a date is a perfect time to throw a curveball.)

No. This was clearly Erica's fault.

"You know what?? You're just SUPERFICIAL!" Dennis wrote.



What an insecure loser.

Wait, was THAT supposed to be his "really good" reason for using his cousin's picture??

To weed out all the "superficial" chicks that don't want to go on a second date with him???

Oh man. Dennis.

You're doing it wrong.


Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I always find it hilarious when people in relationships say, "WHAT, YOU DON'T TRUST ME??" when they're caught in a sketchy situation.

It's not a matter of trust. It's a SKETCHY situation. 

It's the same thing as when your high school teacher found an answer key written on...your leg.
(Uh, for example.)

"What, you don't trust me?" 


Only cheaters say that. 

Case in point: Toby, this guy my friend Sarah dated for several months.

Sarah and Toby immediately got into an intense relationship, where Toby said and did all these wonderful things from the get-go. They went on vacation together and slept at each other's houses every night. He was pretty much perfect.

Sarah said she had never been with anyone who had been so sweet before.

But then she peeked at Toby's phone screen when it chirped early one morning and saw a text message from a number not saved in his phone.

“Good morning!” was the message from the stranger.


After some, ahem, digging, Sarah saw Toby's first and only text to this person: "I've been thinking about you all day"



A SKETCHY situation.

"Who is that??" Sarah demanded. 

And that's when Toby went into a very involved explanation.

"It's a girl I knew in college, who I just found out has cancer," he said. "I was telling her that I was thinking about her."


"Why isn't her number saved?" Sarah asked.

"Because my fraternity brother just sent me her number."


Could that be the explanation for an innocent situation? Sure.

But instead of proving it, or showing Sarah the messages between him and his fraternity brother, or even telling her the name of the girl, Toby became defensive.

"WHAT, YOU DON'T TRUST ME??" he asked.


And then Toby then flipped the switch from being super sweet to ignoring Sarah's calls and texts after that.


What kind of response is that???

Sarah said Toby then disappeared completely, not answering his phone three weekends in a row and then saying he "just fell asleep."


So basically sketchy on sketchy on sketchy.

A five-year-old could have seen right through him.



I'd say he gets an F, much like I did on my high school Spanish exam.

Wait, scratch that. Not an F. 

An S!!! S for sketchball.

Still, a fail.


Tuesday, October 8, 2013


I forget a lot of things. 

Where I put my glasses, for example. The name of that place I had a really good burger the other day. dignity

But what I don't forget is an invitation to a beach house with someone I'm interested in. 

That takes priority number one and I will rifle through my twin sister's closet to find her most flattering bikini. 

Tyler, this guy I dated years ago, invited me to a beach house with him and some friends who I also knew. It was about two hours away from where I lived.

He and I were in a months-long, long-distance flirtation and he not only asked me to go but repeatedly asked me to go. 

"Come up Friday for the weekend!" he told me on Monday. "It's going to be so much fun!"

I was excited. I "borrowed" my twin sister's bikini and everything. 

But then my super cute text message to him the next day went unanswered. 

Is he having too much fun at the beach house to check messages? I wondered. Did he forget his phone charger? 
It wasn't like him to not respond. 

But I waited. Nothing.

Wednesday, nothing.

THURSDAY, nothing.

I then began to panic, confused about why he wasn't following up with his invitation or you know, SENDING ME THE ADDRESS. 

Did he forget that he invited me???
I didn't know what to do. 

Then Friday….nothing. 


"F THAT GUY!" my roommates exclaimed and we all went out drinking. 

Maybe I should call him, I suggested, but even I knew that was too mortifying a conversation, asking why durrrrrrr I was no longer invited to the super fun party.  
"Don't text him!" my rooommates instructed. 

I remember I kept looking at my phone, staring at my last text to him, five days earlier. Did it not go through??? (Of course it did.)

I took their advice until beer took over, and then I texted Tyler a very simple and poignant message late Friday night: 


(I used the hyphens and everything, for emphasis. Slow spelling. To let it really sink in.) 

I woke up the next day and saw I had a text from him. 

So he DOES get service!!

I opened it.

"What's lame?" he wrote. 

That was it.




It was the most infuriating response to getting dicked over, ever. 

I should have added a pronoun. "WHO'S L-A-M-E?" Answer: Tyler. 

I wanted to scream, "YOU'RE LAME! YOU!!! LOOK IN A GOD DAMN MIRROR!!!!"

But I didn't respond.

Was he serious? Did he think I forgot that he had repeatedly invited me to the beach house? 

(Newsflash: No one forgets an invitation to a beach house.)

A week later, I got answers when I ran into one of our mutual friends.

"You look tan," I said. 

"Yea, I was at the beach house with everyone," he said. (I knew that)

"Oh, yea? I was supposed to go. Tyler invited me, but then I never heard from him."

My friend looked at me like I was crazy. 

"Tyler invited you?"


"Well, I don't know why he did that. His…ex-girlfriend was there and they were pretty cozy."






I confronted Tyler about it shortly after, who said that he didn't know his ex-girlfriend was going to be there, and admitted he didn't know how to tell me about it. 

So he just thought that not following up would just…you know, solve the problem. 

Yea, solve HIS problem. 

Meanwhile, I'm getting sad-drunk checking my phone every five minutes for a Google map.


Lame AND selfish!

So I forgot his phone number.


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