TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Dating online? 
You're doing it wrong.

No, sorry, that wasn't directed at you.

If you're dating online and meeting only completely horrendous people, then you're doing it right, unfortunately.

That comment was directed at Dennis, this completely delusional guy my friend Erica went on one date with, years ago.

Dennis sent Erica a message on MySpace (hahahahahaha) and told her she was cute, and asked if she wanted to go out with him.

Erica had just moved to Boston and was looking to meet new people. Dennis had a cute profile picture and Erica saw that he was also in the banking profession. She accepted the date.

On the day of their date, however, Dennis texted her saying he HAD to tell her something. Erica couldn't get away from work so she told him to call her later.

Later, for Dennis, meant TEN minutes before their date.

TEN minutes before their date, that is, to drop the classic online dating BOMB:

"I'm not the person in my Myspace photo," he said. "That's my cousin."

!!!!!!!!!!

??????

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

"Um…what?" Erica said, jaw dropped. "Why…would you...have a picture of your cousin?"

"There's a really good reason. See you soon," Dennis said and hung up.

!!!!!!!!!

?????

What "really good" reason could someone have to use a fake picture??

Was this guy a celebrity?

A...girl?

...Quasimodo??

Erica was completely put-off by the news, but seeing as she was already dressed, she agreed to still meet him.

And Dennis showed up, a normal-looking person!!

Erica said he, uh, definitely wasn't as cute as his "cousin," but he wasn't hideous. 

But she remained confused when throughout dinner he never said anything to explain the fake picture as promised. She was too embarrassed to ask.

After dinner, Erica politely said thank you and went back to her apartment.

The next day, Dennis texted her about going out again.

"I don't think so," Erica wrote back. "I didn't like how you misrepresented yourself."

Hahahahaha misrepresented.

"EXCUSE ME??” he wrote back “I DID NO SUCH THING!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NO SUCH THING???!!

He had a picture of somebody else saying it was him!!!

Erica tried to be reasonable.

She recalls: "I said, 'look, you called me 10 minutes before the date and told me you're not the guy in the picture. That was a big deal to me.'"

Then Delusional Dennis got angry.

This wasn't about him being a liar or committing picture fraud. (Or thinking that 10 minutes before a date is a perfect time to throw a curveball.)

No. This was clearly Erica's fault.

"You know what?? You're just SUPERFICIAL!" Dennis wrote.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Superficial!!!

What an insecure loser.

Wait, was THAT supposed to be his "really good" reason for using his cousin's picture??

To weed out all the "superficial" chicks that don't want to go on a second date with him???

Oh man. Dennis.

You're doing it wrong.

-Jenny