TOOLBAG TUESDAY

You know the people who hate going-away parties the most??

The people who are in love with the person who’s leaving.

(Please exclude military deployments or, uh, prison.)  

I’m talking about studying abroad, getting a master’s degree in “Anaconda studies” in the Amazon, backpacking through Europe for however long it takes to run out of money, moving to New York City to be a STAR, etc.

This is a move that generally people in their 20s and 30s do, and yes, it leaves the person they’re dating shit outta luck.

But if someone is supportive of the person they love's new life goals, or trusts that it’s the right thing for them to move, they’ll let them go like a bird and hope they fly back, or whatever.

True story: The guy who was dating my twin sister Joy in college, sent her off halfway across the country with a stack of self-addressed stamped envelopes and notebook paper and told her to write. Aw.

Angelo, this guy my friend Jessica dated, did not have that sweet side.

In fact, Angelo turned into a complete asshole upon hearing the news of Jessica's departure and completely ruined her going-away party.

Jessica is an artist with an art degree, which is one of the hardest professions to find a good-paying, steady job. 

She had been living in South Carolina trying to find work, when she found an opportunity several states away. 

Angelo and Jessica dated for six months . He had everything lined up for him in South Carolina, and was unable move with her.

It’s wasn’t a SURPRISE that she was moving (she couldn't find a job), and they agreed to be off-and-on, but Angelo chose to act out at her party in front of everyone.

The going-away party was at a dive bar that Jessica loved, and everyone saw when Angelo was clearly hitting on an unkown woman at the bar who was a bit older and, um, rougher around the edges.

Um, was Jessica supposed to be jealous?

Everyone tried to ignore Angelo, but as they were telling Jessica goodbye and sharing memories, he announced…TO THE ENTIRE TABLE…that he was leaving with the woman.

!!!!!

Ugh, how embarassing.

Jessica pulled him aside and snapped at him.

“You’re leaving my going-away party?? What’s the matter with you?” she asked.

Angelo then accessed the dumbass  portion of his brain. 

No. Beyond dumbass. 

“Yea,” Angelo said. “She told me she’d give me a blow job for $5…and I want to see if she is for real.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“WHAT?!?” Jessica screamed.

“You’re leaving to do WHAT?” she asked.

“Yea well what do YOU care, you’re moving away,” he said nonchalantly.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, that’s rich.

Angelo then ACTUALLY LEFT with this woman, as everyone’s jaw dropped.

We don’t think he went through with the proposition, or if there was even a proposition at all, but you really have to be off your rocker to think that saying you’ve been offered a $5 blow job by some crackhead at a bar will make your ex jealous and come running after you.

Thanks, Angelo, for making it NOT so hard to say goodbye.

-Jenny