Tuesday, November 13, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

One of the good things about being in a relationship is that you can talk to that person about your problems.

For example, you can tell them about how you’re stressed about your job, your family, how you never made it as a child actor, etc, etc, and, if they do their boyfriend/girlfriend duties right, they should make you feel better about it.

It’s one of the good things about being in a relationship: You've got a rock.

Now, some people think they can still have that rock once they break up, but NO. WRONG. (Buzzer sound: EEEEEEEEEEEHHH).
That’s one of the rights you waive almost immediately.

This is especially the case if you’re the one doing (or causing) the breakup.
RIGHT??? DUH????

Tell that to Andrew.

Andrew, a repeat offender TOOLBAG (read his story here) continues to baffle with his dumbass-ery.

Andrew was married to my friend Rachel, and decided to not only cheat on her but fall in love with his mistress, who was also married. He kept all this a secret until he was caught red-handed, and now he and his mistress are engaged. Charming.

For some reason, Andrew continues to call Rachel DAILY, wanting to chat, catch up, shoot the shit, ask her how she likes her new apartment, i.e. things that aren’t his business.

Rachel does her best to ignore these calls, because really, WTF cheater loser, but one day Andrew left her a voicemail in a panic. He was actually crying.

“YOU HAVE TO CALL ME BACK RIGHT NOW!” he wailed.  “IT’S IMPORTANT!”

Rachel was concerned, thinking there was a huge tragedy. She called him back.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“IT’S…MELISSA!” he cried. Melissa was his little sister, also married.

“What happened??? What’s wrong with Melissa??” Rachel asked, now turning panicky herself.

“She….she…CHEATED on Peter! They’re getting a divorce!” Andrew sobbed, bursting into tears again.
“CAN YOU BELIEVE HER?? SHE’S SUCH A SLUT!!!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A SLUT!!!!

Um…hello kettle??? You’re black.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Rachel didn’t say anything for a long time.

“Seriously???” she finally said.  

Andrew didn’t pick up on the sarcasm.

“I KNOW!!!” He cried. “I’m so devastated! I can’t believe she did this!!! Mom and dad are so upset!”

(FYI…they must be very proud of both their cheater children.)

Rachel was fuming. Was Andrew really sitting here talking shit about his sister when he did THE VERY SAME THING?!!??  
Is he that far removed from reality???

AND IS HIS MISTRESS NOT HERSELF, A SLUT?

Either, way, it’s absolutely inappropriate to bitch about this information to your scorned ex-wife. 

Rachel offered no sympathy.

“Don’t you have a fiancé you can talk to about this?” she said.

“SHE DOESN’T KNOW ME LIKE YOU DO!” Andrew sobbed, crying again. “She doesn’t know the family! You’re the one who knows me best!”

Best? Please. He cheated on her for months behind her back.

“Don’t call me anymore,” Rachel said, and hung up.

Dude. For real.

(Divorce) paper covers rock.

-Jenny

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