Tuesday, October 30, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

You know you're having a bad day when you find out your husband is cheating on you.

Can it get any worse?

Yes.

...Even worse is when you find out this information from the chick he’s cheating on you WITH’s...husband.

Maury…Call me!

Yes, my friend Rachel’s life would make an excellent Maury Povich show, entitled, “Can it get any worse?”  with four people on stage.

Rachel and the whistleblower husband would get claps and cheers.

Rachel’s massive douche husband, Andrew, and his married mistress would get the booooooooooooooooooo’s.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Maury would spell out the facts.

Rachel, how long have you been married to Andrew?
Five years.

And how did you find out he was cheating on you?
I got a call from HER husband. 

OH UH-UH!!!!  The audience would scream. A close up of people shaking their heads.

Tell me what happened that day, Maury would say.

OK, Maury. Here it goes.

Rachel got a call from a number she didn’t recognize. It was a local number. It was a small town.

“Hello?”

“Is this Rachel?” asked a man on the other end.

“Yes.”

“Rachel, who’s married to Andrew?”

“Yes.”

“Oh good. Andrew is cheating on you with my wife, Lisa,” he said calmly.

???????????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel shook her head. What??? 
A stranger was telling her that her husband of five years was cheating on her??
Sure, he left town a lot for work, but he wasn’t cheating on her.

“I don’t think so,” Rachel said.

 “I have pictures, if you’d like to see them,” the man then said.

!!!!!!!!!!!

“PICTURES!!!” Maury would repeat the word to the crowd, who would stamp their feet and jeer.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh, there were pictures. The man got Rachel’s email address and sent her photos of Andrew and the woman…both NAKED…in bed…cuddling and posing for the camera like they were in high school.

It made her want to vomit.

Then Maury jumps in: "We asked Andrew if he was cheating on his wife with the woman on the iPhone pictures. His answer was yes, and the lie detector revealed that he was telling the truth."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Andrew would just sit there like a dope.

Then Rachel would reveal that she looked closer and recognized this woman….from their wedding day. At the time, Lisa was dating one of the groomsmen.

“WENT TO THEIR WEDDING!!!! Maury would stand up and shout. “ATE THEIR CATERED FOOD!!!” 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  OH NO, SHE DID N’T!!!!!! 

“Where…did you get this picture?” Rachel demanded after studying it.

“From Lisa’s phone,” the man said. “A few weeks ago, I tapped it.”

‘Tapped’ it??? Like…spying???

(At this point, the crowd doesn’t know if they should cheer or boo this information.)

Yes, this man took Lisa’s phone when she was in the shower one day and put SPYWARE on it so that every call, every text, every photo taken was automatically sent to a “cloud” that he could privately access from his computer.

(uhh….so that exists…yikes)

This man now had more than enough information to prove that Lisa and Andrew were ASS-DEEP in a long-standing affair.

It was mortifying.

Maury would then wave his hand to the crowd and they’d all ask in unison, “CAN IT GET ANY WORSE?”

Rachel would nod her head and recall her confrontation with Andrew.

“YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME???” she had screamed when he came home that day. “With HER??? Your best friend's ex-girlfriend?? And don’t lie to me, I have pictures and texts.”

Andrew was unfazed.

“Yes. I am cheating on you,” he said. “And we’re in LOVE.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN WHAT????

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(The large lady in the front row would pass out and need to get fanned.)

But Rachel is the one who really needed to get fanned.

Here she was, hours after her world was rocked by the news that her husband was cheating on her repeatedly….with an acquaintance…and now they’re in love?

And this shithead had to get caught cheating in order to convey this very pertinent information that he’s moved on and in love with someone else?

What a coward.

Thankfully, Rachel didn’t listen to his “explanation,” and she said they were getting a divorce immediately.

She went to stay at her parents’ house for the next week while she arranged a UHAUL to come get her things.

“Now, I have a very important question, Rachel,” Maury would say. “And so does the crowd…”

“CAN IT GET ANY WORSE?” everyone would chant. “CAN…IT…GET…ANY…WORSE?”

Yes.

Rachel got an email the next day from Verizon Wireless.

“CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW iPHONE PURCHASE!” was the subject line.

???

Rachel didn’t order a new iPhone. She called Andrew.

“Why am I getting an email about a new phone?” she asked.

“Yea, well I had to get a new one for Lisa,” Andrew said.

Rachel felt the blood rushing to her face. He just spent hundreds of dollars on a new phone for his mistress?!!!???

On RACHEL'S account?

“I HAD to….I mean, her phone is TAPPED, after all,” Andrew said.

Dude.
Rachel exploded.

“OH, I KNOW!” she screamed. “I AM VERY AWARE THAT HER PHONE IS TAPPED!

UGH.

Can it get any worse??? 

Oh yes.

Rachel just found out Andrew has since PROPOSED to Lisa and they’re getting married exactly one week after their divorce is finalized.

One week.

JESUS.

CAN…IT…GET..ANY…WORSE!!?!?!?!??????

Sure.

She could be Lisa.

-Jenny

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