Tuesday, December 27, 2011

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Girls are good at using Facebook to make ex-boyfriends jealous.

(Everything I need to know I learned from my all-girls Catholic School!!)

Photoshopped zits!! A carefully placed good-looking stranger in the background!!

Tagging your friends at a bar with you to look popular even if your friends weren’t really there!!!

The best, though, is when GUYS use Facebook to make their exes jealous. It’s effing hilarious.

Because guys are so bad at it. And obvious.

Good to know: DON’T MAKE SUDDEN CHANGES TO YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE POST-BREAKUP. It’s…telling.

Case in point: My twin sister Joy’s ex-boyfriend. He NEVER used Facebook EVER. It was almost as if he didn’t have one.

He didn’t update anything, he didn’t upload anything.

He had one picture that was his profile picture and the most recent comment on his wall was from six months earlier, when someone wished him a belated happy birthday.

Yet, when they broke up, his page started blowing up.

It was a miracle!

We all laughed our asses off when THE WEEK AFTER THEY BROKE UP he uploaded a picture from his phone (He knew how to do that??) to his Facebook wall.

It was of plops of cookie dough on a pan.

Caption: “Baking cookies with the cutest girl!!! Thanks Kayla!!!” he wrote.

Ahahahahaha loser, we all said.

Joy said she wanted to vomit.

Brian, this guy who dated my friend Jill, took it a step further with the toolbag Facebooking.

They dated for about five months, and after another big fight, they decided to take a “break.”

The “break” was good timing because Brian was about to fly home to see his family for Christmas.

They lived in the Mid-West and Brian bitched about how boring the place was and how he did nothing the whole time.

But, that’s not what his Facebook page said.

Jill looked in horror during his vacation home to see girl, after girl, AFTER GIRL writing suggestive things on his Facebook wall.

“Last night was soooo crazy!” one wrote. “You were hilarious!!!”

“OMG Can’t wait to see you tonight!” wrote another.

It was odd because Brian wasn’t exactly a ladies’ man. A quick search saw that the girls had gone to high school with Brian, but he never talked about them before.

Or hung out with them.

Now they were telling him how crazy and fun he was???

Jill was livid. Here she was alone and sad about their “break” and he was running around with his entire graduating class!!

Then Jill saw the worst one:

“I have your clothes!!!” one girl wrote.

OH HELL NAW.

She called up Brian immediately.

“What the hell is going on?” she asked.

“What?” he asked casually. “A bunch of us all went camping together.”

“You went CAMPING with five girls? WITH NO CLOTHES?” she asked. “In the middle of winter?”

She screamed at him and told him it was definitely over now between the two of them, and that’s when Brian broke down and said it was all a lie.

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to make you jealous,” Brian cried. “I never saw any of them. I just messaged a bunch of girls from my high school asking them to write something flirty on my wall.”

“OMG YOU ARE SUCH A DORK!” Jill screamed. “That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard!”

Jillian hung up and fumed.

A few hours later she checked his page and saw that he had deleted each of the girls’ comments.

He tried to win her back when he came back to town after the holidays but Jill was over it.

She was clearly dating a 12-year-old girl.

Who ASKS people to do that???

She decided to play his game.

She immediately took her page and publicly made her relationship status “single.”

And then liked it.

And waited for all the boys to comment.

-Jenny

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