The (artificially) sweetest breakup

I’ve done something I thought I’d never do. Something I didn’t even think was possible: I gave up Diet Coke.

Diet Coke!!! My bread and butter! (Umm...wait, that’s not right...)

For the past ten years, maybe more, but definitely an entire DECADE, I’ve drank two cans of Diet Coke a day, sometimes three when I was feeling particularly hungover tired.

I would regularly buy fridge packs and every weekday morning I’d take two cold, beautiful cans out of the box; one for my drive to work and one for lunch, panicking when I noticed I was running low.

...Buying a big gulp for 89 cents at the gas station when I was really desperate.

I used it as a coffee replacement (since coffee is BLECH) and drank it before 9 a.m. which is gross, and I learned to enjoy the sweet, metallic taste knowing that alertness was on the other side.

I ignored everyone’s warnings about sugar substitutes, about how Diet Coke can burn battery acid off a corroded car battery, how it causes cellulite, how it’s really green “EWWWWWWW” before they add all their fake colors to it, but I didn’t care.

2 cans a day, doctors orders.

Drinking this as I'm late to work #irony #dietcoke #canistillhaveit

A photo posted by Genevieve (@jennyjenny504) on Jul 18, 2014 at 6:43am PDT

But then, one day last month, I realized my heart wasn’t into it anymore. 

No, like, literally. Diet Coke gave me heartburn.

It was all of a sudden, too, one day there I was minding my own business as I drank my morning CRACK and the next thing I knew I was howling because I felt like ASS(partame).

  

What was this horrible feeling in my gut? This BURNING (like a corroded car battery) INSIDE MY STOMACH?!?!?!

And, because I have no concept of cause-and-effect, I decided to drink another Diet Coke because I thought that was going to fix it.

But that made it worse. I was only able to take three sips of it and dumped the rest of the can out. (Blasphemy.)

I soon realized the problem was Diet Coke. And no amount of Diet Coke could solve it.

And then something else happened that I didn’t think was possible: I don’t even miss it.

It has been a totally unremarkable change in my life. It turns out that DIET COKE NEEDED ME MORE THAN I NEEDED IT.

The opposite of I’LL NEVER LET GO JACK. I let go. And it has saved me $4.95 a week in fridge packs.

My caffeine intake now comes from Chai tea, because it says right there on the box that it has more caffeine than soda and it makes your breath—no your whole FACE, actually—smell like cinnamon.

I brewed an entire pitcher of it the other day (South Carolina, ya’ll) and I’ve been pouring it over ice with milk in the mornings. 

The best part is that it looks like iced coffee!!! 

LOOK I’M NO LONGER GROSS AND DRINKING SODAS AT 9 A.M.!

I’M AN ADULT!!!!

And adult faces smell like cinnamon.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY (sort of)

I used to write a lot about how odd and hilarious (well, hilarious in retrospect) things regularly happen to me and my twin sister, Joy.

How we sometimes think we’re on The Truman Show and situations have been specifically planted in our lives for audiences’ viewing pleasure.

Like when Joy had to return an air mattress to Wal Mart because it was too short in length.

It was bought specifically for our visiting guy friend (who wasn’t THAT tall) to sleep on for a few days, but his calves hung over the edge of the mattress nightly.

But when Joy brought the mattress back to Wal Mart, a dwarf person was working the customer service counter and Joy struggled to explain that the problem was that the mattress was too short.

She ended up with a very eloquent, “It...er...well, it doesn’t fit a normal-sized person” and then she left red-faced, much more embarrassed than the dwarf person, who didn’t even really need a reason for returning.

Hahaha

I took one for The Truman Show team last week when I was at a work thing with a photographer taking photos of a large group of men for a newspaper spread, and my shoe broke.

UGH

Broke badly. Not just a heel...but the single strap that kept the shoe on my foot broke.

WHILE THEY WERE ALL STARING RIGHT AT ME, POSING FOR THE PHOTO. 

I didn’t know what to do, so I pretended nothing happened at all and raised one foot up like a flamingo (only  less gracefully) and stood one-legged as the photographer kept snapping pictures, my lone abandoned shoe on the ground.

And no one said anything!!

Not one person said anything!!!

Not when I stood one-footed in the hot concrete parking lot, not when I scooped up my shoe from the ground after the shoot was over, not after I had to transfer my shoe to the other hand in order to shake the hand of the president of the company.

AHAHAHA 

Nice to meet you sir!!!

Not when I hobbled one-footed back to my car on tiptoe, the hot concrete scorching the delicate pad of my foot.

“No one helped you??” my aunt asked when I recapped my day to her on the phone.

“No,” I said. “No one even mentioned it!”

“There were 20 guys there and not ONE of them helped you when your shoe broke???” she said. “Well, that’s ridiculous!”

“What were they supposed to do? Give me a piggyback ride?” I asked. “It was pretty much the most unprofessional thing that could have happened. Maybe they were just being nice to ignore it.”

“You know, men don’t even notice women’s shoes,” my mom pointed out. “I bet they didn’t even notice that you weren’t wearing one.”

Maybe she was right. It was strange that no one said anything. 

No one even laughed!

I DON’T KNOW WHY THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME.

THIS IS WHY I HAVE A WINE ADDICTION.

But I guess that’s just the title of this episode of The Truman Show: How I burned the bottom of my foot in a parking lot with nearly two dozen men as witnesses.

Also, when in doubt...offer a girl a piggyback ride.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

EVERYONE DELETE TINDER!

THE CREEPS HAVE INFILTRATED!

(I know, this might not be new information to some people)

Creeps: people who just want to collect naked pictures from girls online and who have NO interest in checking out that new wine shop that opened down the street.

Most recently, this creeper named Chris. My friend Jessica matched up with Chris on Tinder. He was seemingly a nice guy and his Tinder profile specifically stated that he was “ready to settle down with the right person.”

LOLLOL

Jessica was hopeful because she, too, wanted to settle down with the right person. 

But then when they moved from Tinder chatting to real life texting, all Chris wanted was for her to send him an underwear picture.

Ummmm.....after-school special!!

Don’t do it Jessica!!

Jessica said Chris was seemingly a catch: he was cute, he wrote that he was a DOCTOR (LOL, sure) and they had plans to go out that Sunday evening when he got back into town. She gave him her phone number.

But then, his first text asked if she could send him “more pictures.”

Jessica, through her rose-colored glasses (which included blinders), thought maybe Chris just wanted to see if she looked like she did in her Tinder photos, so she sent him a picture of her at a concert from the week before.

He didn’t respond.

LOL

Then she said, “Send me a picture from New York City!”

Chris sent her a photo of the skyline.

“So pretty!” she wrote.

Jessica was admiring the skyscrapers photo, when Chris sent her another photo...of a hotel room suite.

HAHAHAHAHA

And then a picture of A HOTEL ROOM BED.

And then a picture of his abs.

OMG.

Who asked for a picture of his abs?!?!?

 LOL

(ED NOTE: AFTER FURTHER INSPECTION, THAT IS NOT A PICTURE TAKEN IN A HOTEL ROOM, HOTEL ROOMS DON’T HAVE CEILING FANS. 

I CALL FAKE ABS!!!)

Then he wrote, “I wish you were here. I’d take you out tonight to the XX lounge it’s hot.”

Um what?

I wish you were here??

(Clarification: he wishes she was there...in his bed)

Jessica didn’t know how to respond to any of the pictures.

There was nothing in her Tinder profile or otherwise that made it seem like she was into greasy ab pics OR hotel room beds.

She said something like “well have fun at a cool bar, I’m at work. It’s boring here”

...which Chris obviously didn’t read because he wrote, “Your turn to send a photo."

Jessica sent him another picture of her at the concert, hahaha

“That doesn’t count at all” Chris wrote.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

“That doesn’t count at all.”

DOESN’T COUNT!!!

Who tells a girl that a cute photo of her at a concert DOESN’T COUNT?!?!

CHRIS doesn’t count!!!!!!!!

When she realized that all he wanted was a nudie picture, she stopped texting him immediately.

And once Chris realized that she wasn’t going to text him a nudie picture, he too, stopped texting immediately.

!!!

HAHAHA

SEE YA!!!

Seriously, their 10-text total exchange ended with a cute photo of her and then his super thoughtful, “that doesn’t count at all” 

A week passed and their Sunday night plans were never mentioned as the weekend came and went.

LOL

What a douche!

Even more devastating, Jessica told her friends at the gym about it thinking it was an isolated douche incident, but then kept hearing story after story from girls who said the same thing happened to them!

Creep-trolls on Tinder only looking for naked pics!!!

Under the guise of saying they are “ready to settle down with the right person.”

(Also acting like a shirtless abs pic with no face is the equivalent of a girl in her bra and panties.)

UGH

This is an infiltration!!!

EVERYONE DELETE TINDER!!!

Make it count.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I was thinking of what could possibly be the worst birthday gift in the world since I recently learned that there are guys out there (UHHH  in their 30s...kill me) who think it’s OK to NOT get A BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR THE GIRL THEY ARE DATING.

AND I FIGURED IT OUT!!

I figured out the worst possible gift in the world, worse than getting nothing at all.

A losing lottery ticket.

No, not a lottery ticket, period. Which the odds say would likely be a losing lottery ticket.

No, an actual LOSING lottery ticket, like the DRAWING HAD ALREADY HAPPENED and the ticket was a loser (Huh. Ironic)

HAHAHAHAHA

A LOSING LOTTERY TICKET!!!

LOL 

LOL

Basically a scrap piece of paper that should be put in the trash.

HAHA

WHO GIVES A GIRL A LOSING LOTTERY TICKET?

(Answer: A loser.)

“Who gives a girl a losing lottery ticket?” asked Jessica, my friend who received this unfortunate present on her 30^th birthday.

“Oh, well, I bought it for you a week ago when we were supposed to go to dinner,” said Jason. “But then we got into that fight so I wasn’t able to give it to you.”

LOL

HE COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO BUY A NEW LOTTERY TICEKT?

P.S. IF YOU GOT INTO A FIGHT, THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD GET HER A BIGGER, BETTER GIFT NOW. 

DUH.

But Jason thought that a scrap piece of paper was completely sufficient, seriously.

Jessica said to make matters worse, he brought this "gift" to her birthday house party. 

He didn’t even have a CLUE to bring a bottle of wine or anything! 

He showed up at a birthday house party for the girl he was dating empty-handed. 

Worse than empty-handed!! He brought trash.

Why on Earth would someone do that? Was it laziness? Was he that cheap??

Because even a current lottery ticket by itself is a shitty gift for a girl you are dating. It's $2...and an afterthought for when you buy a Twix bar.

Was he REALLY that big of a dud?

EARTH TO JASON: The point of an EFFING lottery ticket is to at least have the anticipation of being a winner. 

Which I guess could be an analogy for anyone you’re dating: Is he a winner? Will I hit the jackpot this time???

No, Jessica did not hit the jackpot. 

Jason was the OPPOSITE of the jackpot.

And it kept getting more insulting.

When Jessica dumped him, for reasons other than the stupid gift (but really, the gift played the lottery), Jason’s response was that she was “too needy.”

OMG

AHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TOO NEEDY!!!

Yea I guess so. 

In that she NEEDS to find a winner.

And the lottery ticket isn't the only thing that needs to go into the trash.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There are times when it’s really not cool, man, to date someone if you have a shit ton of baggage.

Baggage: If you’re living with someone, if you’re engaged, if THERE IS SOMEONE IN YOUR BED RIGHT NOW.

Seriously, in South Carolina, you have to be divorced for an entire year WITH NO NEW "KNOWN" RELATIONSHIPS in order to be properly divorced and not annulled for fraud or something.

But that wasn’t the case with this guy David, who my friend Stephanie went on exactly one date with. 

He didn’t have baggage like beating a dead horse and then waiting a year for it to die because the law says so.

He just had baggage.

No, like literally, baggage....in that he was leaving the next day for Cabo, Mexico with his “ex” girlfriend to go to a wedding that they both still had to attend together for some reason.

And the “ex” girlfriend was at his house that very moment (?) because she had a key to his place because they weren’t really broken up. 

And during David and Stephanie’s date, this girl blew up his phone texting him all night about how she’s in love with him and why can’t they work it out and where the F was he??

Answer: he was on a Tinder date. 

UHHH 

PACK YOUR BAGS, DAVID, and please don’t come back to this country.

How did Stephanie know about all of his baggage?

Because when she saw his phone blow up, in the way you can tell when someone is texting someone over and over and you see a LIST of messages on their display, she asked him about it.

And he told her the whole story, like it WASN’T a hot mess!

He actually showed her the text messages! From his very sad "ex"-girlfriend who was IN HIS BED AT THAT MOMENT.

David must have been very drunk, because he told Stephanie that he and that girl had broken up a “few days before” without thinking that Stephanie could do math.

Because they had “matched up” and chatted online well before a “few days ago.”

Ugh.

WHAT WAS HE DOING ONLINE DATING???

...Other than I guess hoping Stephanie would invite him home????

But Stephanie did NOT invite him home. Quite the opposite: She left him at the bar, telling him to go home to his girlfriend and to never talk to her again. 

And then she drove home pissed. What a waste of time.

But what did David do then??? He texted her the next day!!!

“I had to walk home from River Street ,” he wrote.

Bahahaha boo hoo.

“I must have been bad,” he wrote.

Hahahaha bad.

Did he even remember? Remember that he was a hot mess?

“Try you have a girlfriend and you were out with another girl. I would say that was bad,” Stephanie wrote back.

Ha

Then David got mysterious: “You don’t know my situation…”

Wrong. She did know his situation. He had showed her all the text messages from this poor, sad girl.

...WHO WAS IN HIS BED.

Translation: Adios.

AND DON'T COME BACK TO THIS COUNTRY.

I hope he got lost.

Along with his baggage.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Fun with lists!!

Because, as Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

Or, as Buzzfeed says, “We have successfully managed to limit your attention span to the length of lists."

(P.S. “You won’t BELIEVE number 4...”)

And, as I say, “I’m up to my ass in deadlines for work I actually get paid to do and don’t have a lot of time for toolbags right now.”

But, let’s just go with the brevity-soul-wit thing:

Below are my favorite one-to-two sentence descriptions from my friends who have submitted a Toolbag Tuesday story.

They may be expanded later into their own special posts, but just standing alone, they get the point across.

Just for clarification....

THESE ARE DON’TS.

Especially #4...jerk

1.) He lectured me in bed about how my apartment was a mess and I need to clean up my life while he himself has no place to live and has been a professional bed-surfer for three years.

2.) After four great dates and two sleepovers, he disappeared for a week and then texted me with a witty and urbane, "Hi."

3.) I invited my ex to my 28th birthday party. He texts back that he really wishes he could make it but has to work. He then asks me if I am seeing anyone. I say, "no" and then ask him why. His reply was "I'm engaged." WTF why do that do me the day before my birthday?

4.) After three months of dating, he didn’t get me anything for my birthday.

5.) I don't know how common it is to have a guy tell you a girl has cancer to get away with attempting to cheat with her.

6.) Follow up to the same guy from #5: He indicated I deserve to be punished because I told my friends what happened and made “everyone think poorly of him.”

7.) When the liquor shot set in, the guy I just met begins doing this nod thing towards the door and slurring "So, do you want to, like, go somewhere and...make out or something"

8.) This guy says two words to me at a party and goes in for a kiss without even being introduced. When I said, ummmm no, his response was, “So, you’re just going to reject me all night?”

9.) I would text him and say "I want to see you tonight." But he was too busy sitting at home with his cat and would see me the next day at his convenience.

10.) He tells me that for him to give me my stuff back I need to unblock him on Facebook because that's the NICE thing to do.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“What a piece of work is a man” -Shakespeare

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Any guy who has ever had a girlfriend (or has ever read an effing CATHY comic) knows it’s NOT OK to talk about how pretty other girls are because society sucks and it makes us feel bad about ourselves.

I mean...have there not been enough Tyler Perry movies going over this?

Besides...do you REALLY want to be on the receiving end of: “Oh, you think Keira Knightly is the hottest person in the world??  Basically someone who looks the complete opposite of me?? Well, then what are you doing dating ME for??!?!?!?

Um.

For example.

But it’s one thing to carelessly mention in passing that a particular actress or singer is attractive, or maybe even the copy store girl (R.I.P.....F.R.I.E.N.D.S).

...It’s quite another to go OUT OF YOUR WAY to tell someone that another girl is “hot” when nobody asked your opinion, ThankYouVeryMuch.

But to be fair, nobody ever accused Kurt of NOT being a sleaze. (sleeze??)

Kurt was a rich and successful banker, attractive enough, and had the asshole aura to prove it.

My friend Sara knew him as a colleague, when she did marketing for a firm that worked in finance. 

It was part of her job to schmooze with bankers and Sara had had met Kurt at a number of work and networking functions and they chatted many times.

Of all the sleazy bankers she dealt with, Kurt was the one who would routinely come up to her and make flirty talk while staring at her chest. 

While wearing a wedding ring.

Kurt enjoyed every second of the attention Sara gave him, even though his bank never used her firm’s services.

Ugh. That guy.

After four years, Sara moved jobs to one NOT in finance and enjoyed her new-found freedom of not having to schmooze with A-holes.

But then, she found herself face to face with the biggest one two weeks later on a weekend night at the end of a very long pub crawl.

Sara had been out with her friends and was at the bar trying to order a drink when Kurt came up to her and tapped her on the shoulder.

“Oh, hey!” Sara said. “Long time no see!”

It was a time for Kurt to ask her how her new job was going, make a joke about banking, ask what she was doing now, I don't know... ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

But he decided to lead off with this:

“I met your replacement,” he said smugly. 

“...She is SO. HOT.”

His wedding ring gleamed in the dimly-lit bar.

“Um...Ok,” Sara said. She didn't know the firm had even hired a replacement.

“I mean....just....really. Hot,” Kurt said, again. Smugly. Again.

He searched Sara’s face for a reaction.

The sad truth was that Sara actually felt a sting of jealousy because society sucks and statements like that make women feel bad themselves.

But ALSO, when you hold a job somewhere for years and years, you don’t want to hear about your replacement being the hottest new thing on the block.

Like..."Yea, the minute she started, everyone forgot your name!!!”

So...doubly offensive.

Sara tried to steer the conversation to professionalism, not appearances.  

“Well, how did she do at that big convention in New York? Did she go?” Sara asked, remembering the biggest marketing event of the year.

“Yea she went...and everyone was just OBSESSED WITH HER because she is so GORGEOUS."

"Like, all the bankers are just in LOVE with her. She's going to do really well.”

UGH.

Sara didn’t know how to respond because COLD POTATOES DON'T TALK.

But it didn't matter anyway because Kurt then walked away. 

Walked away!!!

He didn't say bye, he didn't ask her how her new job was, he didn't even ask her where she was working now.

WTF!

Did he really just come over to specifically tell her about her super hot replacement??

NO FEMALE WOULD EVER SAY THAT TO A GUY. EVER.

The annoying part was that it worked. 

At that moment Sara wished she was taller, and thinner and looked down at her outfit, frowning.

It was so sad.

...all thanks to a sleazy DOUCHE....WHO WAS MARRIED.

UGH.

What did Kurt possibly hope to get out of that conversation??

More smugness??

Was he expecting a, "Oh, KURT, I feel so self-conscious now...let's have sex"  ???????

??????

It’s not very often that I wish I could punch someone in the face, but I’ll make an exception for Kurt.

And now that I think about it, I wish I could call his wife and tell her to leave his stupid, sexist ass.

And then glue Cathy comics to his face.

-Jenny