Thursday, June 11, 2015

The (artificially) sweetest breakup

I’ve done something I thought I’d never do. Something I didn’t even think was possible: I gave up Diet Coke.

Diet Coke!!! My bread and butter! (Umm...wait, that’s not right...)

For the past ten years, maybe more, but definitely an entire DECADE, I’ve drank two cans of Diet Coke a day, sometimes three when I was feeling particularly hungover tired.

I would regularly buy fridge packs and every weekday morning I’d take two cold, beautiful cans out of the box; one for my drive to work and one for lunch, panicking when I noticed I was running low.

...Buying a big gulp for 89 cents at the gas station when I was really desperate.

I used it as a coffee replacement (since coffee is BLECH) and drank it before 9 a.m. which is gross, and I learned to enjoy the sweet, metallic taste knowing that alertness was on the other side.

I ignored everyone’s warnings about sugar substitutes, about how Diet Coke can burn battery acid off a corroded car battery, how it causes cellulite, how it’s really green “EWWWWWWW” before they add all their fake colors to it, but I didn’t care.

2 cans a day, doctors orders.

A photo posted by Genevieve (@jennyjenny504) on

But then, one day last month, I realized my heart wasn’t into it anymore. 

No, like, literally. Diet Coke gave me heartburn.

It was all of a sudden, too, one day there I was minding my own business as I drank my morning CRACK and the next thing I knew I was howling because I felt like ASS(partame).
What was this horrible feeling in my gut? This BURNING (like a corroded car battery) INSIDE MY STOMACH?!?!?!

And, because I have no concept of cause-and-effect, I decided to drink another Diet Coke because I thought that was going to fix it.

But that made it worse. I was only able to take three sips of it and dumped the rest of the can out. (Blasphemy.)

I soon realized the problem was Diet Coke. And no amount of Diet Coke could solve it.

And then something else happened that I didn’t think was possible: I don’t even miss it.

It has been a totally unremarkable change in my life. It turns out that DIET COKE NEEDED ME MORE THAN I NEEDED IT.

The opposite of I’LL NEVER LET GO JACK. I let go. And it has saved me $4.95 a week in fridge packs.

My caffeine intake now comes from Chai tea, because it says right there on the box that it has more caffeine than soda and it makes your breath—no your whole FACE, actuallysmell like cinnamon.

I brewed an entire pitcher of it the other day (South Carolina, ya’ll) and I’ve been pouring it over ice with milk in the mornings. 

The best part is that it looks like iced coffee!!! 



And adult faces smell like cinnamon.


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