Most of the things I drink are inappropriate. Diet Coke before 9 a.m., 5-hour energy shots Friday afternoons and a healthy supply of vodka.
Ok, I do drink a lot of water (my mom tells me that my bedroom looks like the movie Signs with all these half-drank water glasses) and I do enjoy orange juice…with my vodka. Ha.
But, the problem isn’t the things I like to drink. The problem is things I DON’T like to drink, which is pretty much anything AHH-ppropriate, such as: iced tea, Bloody Mary’s and coffee.
These are the three drinks that are most commonly drank at most polite functions, like luncheons, business meetings, baby showers and brunch.
Allow me to break this down:
1.) Iced tea. Hot tea is fine, but iced tea has this horrible aftertaste like lemonade gone bad. And then, most of the time, you get a straw-full of sugar granules when you add Sweet-and-Low to it and lemons make my face pucker.
But, iced tea is all the rage in South Carolina, where I lived for almost 10 years, and it’s just the puuuhfect companion to all that peanut brittle or benne wafers or whatever and I’m always the a-hole ordering a diet coke instead of iced tea, getting looks from Southern ladies staring at my too-dark drink.
I haven’t paid much attention to the iced tea supply in New Orleans, but my friend (and iced tea lover) tried to find some in the French Quarter last year, to no avail. I didn’t mind, haha.
2.) Bloody Mary’s. I think tomato juice tastes like vomit, and so do olives so I won’t be ordering these, thank you very much. I’d rather have iced tea.
But, aren’t Bloody Mary’s just the perfect brunch drink? They’ve got enough stuff in there to make it look like you’re not drinking anything alcoholic, too, which is great when your my parents are there, and checking you me out.
White Russians (uh, for example) don’t go over as well if you’re in the business of drinking under the radar, KnowWhatIMean?
“A White? Russian?” my mom embarassed me in front of a server one morning.
“TWO LIQUORS?!?” she responded, after hearing the ingredients.
"There's milk in there!" I pointed out.
(The dude abides.)
3.) Coffee. I’ve talked about my dislike for coffee before, but let me tell you, this is the beverage I’d most like to...like.
Then I could be all like, “Wanna get coffee?” “Let’s get coffee!” and make coffeeshop friends. I know people who actually keep up with their baristas and go to their weddings and tell them Happy Birthday.
Also, people don’t stare at you in the elevator going to work if you’re drinking a cup of coffee. They stare at you when you’re slurping on a Diet Coke.
How can you drink a Diet Coke so early in the morning? I’ve been asked.
Well, how can you drink…uh…poison?
(My boyfriend says I make really bad comparisons when it comes to things I don’t like the taste of, but really, coffee does taste like poison with its bitter aftertaste.) ANTHRAX, I TELL YOU! ANTHRAX!!
(I also think tonic tastes like B.O. --- horrible, smelly body odor and believe that if a big, fat guy were to wring out a sweaty gym shirt into a glass and add vodka, it would taste just the same. But that's another blog entry.)
And besides, I’m not alone on the coffee=poison charge. My grandmother really did used to say that coffee was poison for kids. And at age 25, she still considered me a kid. I didn’t mind, haha.
Speaking of grandmas, my boyfriend’s grandmother prides herself on her coffee and it’s kind of a big deal to be offered coffee and drink it at her house.
So, that is the only time I’ve ever drank an entire cup, for real. At age 27.
I know, I know, I was trying to be appropriate. So…yes Nana, I’ll take a cup and please pass me the vanilla flavoring.
Like, all of it.
No seconds, thanks, I’m good after just one cup.
But if you have any Diet Coke...holler.