Friday, October 29, 2010


The worst Halloween I ever had was the time I dressed up as Bob Marley and everyone thought I was Whoppi Goldberg.

“But I’m wearing a RASTA HAT!” I protested. “I’M WEARING WHITE LINEN!!!

“But you’re a GIRL,” people said. That was a poor argument. People cross dress all the time during Halloween; that’s part of the fun.

I was so angry since I spent more than I wanted to on a stupid dreadlock wig and RASTA HAT only to fail as the reggae legend, that I proceeded to get drunk and tell people that, “If I was Whoppi Goldberg, then I would be wearing round purple sunglasses and have a “Celebrity Squares” cardboard box around me! DO YOU SEE A BOX?? GAW!!”

That was the only time I left Halloween early to go home.

I tend to have non-mainstream costumes for Halloween, a combination of:

a.) trying to be original and funny
b.) really liking wigs and
c.) being too lazy to go to the costume shop a MONTH in advance, before everything is picked over and sold out.

This turns out some odd costume choices year after year, some successful, some not. A major success was an ELECTRIC jellyfish.

(clear umbrella + glow sticks bought on Ebay, bubble tape from the post office)

A failure was the tooth fairy gone bad. (goodwill dress + lace "gauze" headband, odd, ablong “tooth” shapes cut out of construction paper+ scary hair roots, uh, part of the costume)


Yes, it was an artistic fail, and I ended up losing the “teeth” pliers throughout the night but I still think I looked better than Paris Hilton’s boyfriend, ThankYouVeryMuch).


Two weeks ago, I was talking to someone about my Halloween costume history, including the “Whoppi” disaster, and he said I should think about “just being a witch.”

NO! I told him that I had planned to dress up as Vodka this year. Yes, vodka, my best friend.

I envisioned this costume as a potato sack dress (vodka is made from potatoes after all) and I would have arm floaties that were filled with vodka (and soda) and I’d put a straw in it and offer people sips all night.

And then I’d have an “air mail”-type stamp on the potato sack that said, “Smirnoff or Bust” and I’d pin little love notes on me from “Orange Juice” and “Red Bull,” like “can’t wait to screw” and “Frat boys are waiting for you” (respectively).

But, alas, the vodka costume will not make its debut this year, for a variety of reasons:
a.) I am flying back to South Carolina from New Orleans this Halloween weekend and I’d have to have the costume assembled by, uh, today
b.) I’m lazy
c.) Whole Foods doesn’t have any potato sacks because their potatoes come in boxes (no fun.)
d.) I’m too lazy to call anyplace else for a potato sack

So, I’m going to just repeat a costume from three years ago. Shhh don’t tell.

It’s a cute one — a Broadway dancer — and all of the pieces are still in South Carolina so I don’t have to pack anything other than tights and shoes.


And since I’m not wearing a mustache or pants no one will confuse me with someone else…like Charlie Chaplin.

Or, uh, Hitler.
Which may or may not be better than Whoppi. ha


P.S. Looking forward to seeing some Chilean miner costumes!!!

1 comment:

  1. i love the comparison between you and paris hilton's boyfriend!!!! hilarious. looking forward to the hot broadway dancer here in charleston. owwoww.


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