This guy I went out with once, on our first date, told me he used to be addicted to meth and was actually
a meth dealer for a while, plus he dated a stripper.
Awesome, I thought
to myself. Please don’t come near me
without a hazmat suit on.
Who the HELL would
reveal that on a first date?
Newsflash: you’re supposed to be as appealing as possible on
a first date, like a dog up for adoption at the pound.
(i.e. don’t be annoying
until you get to your new home.)
Ha
(Wait...this sounds familiar.)
I’ve written about a lot of bad first dates, but when I
heard about how this douche William behaved on a date with my friend Kelli, my
jaw dropped.
She WISHED he had
been a meth dealer.
Ha
Just kidding mom.
Just kidding mom.
Even though they met on the horrible dating website (they’re
all horrible, really) Tinder, he was cute, had a proper job and he suggested they
meet at a cool new hot spot in town.
Kelli stalked his Facebook page (research!) before their date
and his pictures were fun, happy—48 likes on a profile picture! Hello Mr. Popular!!!
(Second newsflash: Facebook is not reality.)
Kelli said the minute she saw him, she got excited.
But then
the minute he started talking, she wanted to slam her head against the
beautiful copper bar top.
If I were the editor of Urban Dictionary, his picture
would be under the definition for “douche.”
First, over a bottle of wine that SHE PAID THE BILL FOR (I can’t even), he asked her about her religion, which is a DON'T on a
first date.
But Kelli responded anyway, saying she was raised Catholic and went to
Catholic School, like most people in New Orleans.
William wasn’t a good listener.
“So, are you Jewish?”
he asked her TEN minutes later.
WHAT??!?
Oy vey.
William then decided to show off his sensitive side by telling
her that he was with his ex-girlfriend for too long because right when he
wanted to break up with her, her dad “dropped dead” and man, TIMING SUCKS.
Uhhh that’s not the only thing that sucks.
Newsflash #34729342895: Worse than talking about religion on a first date is talking
about parents dying, because IT’S REAL,
YA’LL.
And it just so happened that Kelli’s mom had passed away the
previous year, and she was heartbroken.
“Yea, so her dad DROPPED DEAD and I had to go with her to the FUNERAL,”
William said.
“I hated having to be NICE to her because I really couldn't stand her.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!?!?!?!?!?!?!
What an insensitive prick.
Kelli said William kept using the phrase “dropped dead.”
It was gross.
DROP DEAD, WILLIAM.
Kelli tried to keep it together, but all she could think
about was her own mom’s death and going to her own mom’s funeral and thinking
about the guy she was dating at the
time and she teared up right there at the bar.
“I’m sorry, I have to leave,” Kelli said.
It was then that William finally got around to paying attention to her, and saw
she was upset.
Did he care?
No, he didn’t care.
Movie scene time!!!!!
Seriously:
"I'm sorry, I have to leave," Kelli said.
“Good, see ya, I ran into
another ex-girlfriend before our date and we are going out tomorrow and I’m
still in love with her,” he responded.
!!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(Ed note: Yea right. That's probably what he says to every girl who walks away from him.)
William didn't even ask her if she was OK!
Or even ask her what was wrong!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Who DOES that??!?
48 Facebook DISLIKES!!
I mean, were there hidden
cameras somewhere?
Did she really pay $30 to sit at a bar with a douche who
made her cry?
Ugh.
"Do you want the number
for the former meth dealer?" I offered.
Hahahahaha
Oy vey.
-Jenny