Tuesday, January 28, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Now that I live back in South Carolina, I live with a dog for the first time in ten years.

It’s my twin sister’s dog named Roux, a beagle hound mix, and aside from the stuffed up nose every morning when I wake up (it goes away mom), she’s great.

I really love playing tug-of-war with Roux in the house because I get an arm workout pulling her from room to room, dragging her by the toy in her mouth.

But I found I also look forward to seeing what toy she’s going to choose from her pile the next day.
(And they say having a dog isn’t like having a child. Pssh.)

She has a toybox of, like, twelve toys of all shapes, sizes and consistencies (rubber, cloth, bone, rope knot, stupid sweaky thing) and for two days she’ll like one toy – say, the shark guy  and then she’ll be UN-interested in that toy for the rest of the week. It’s hilarious.

NOT hilarious? When she finds MY things to chew up, like my backup pair of glasses, a bottle of 5-hour energy and my sweet earmuffs.

Ugh.

Having a pet that likes to chew things can be a real B.

Especially in relationships. Haha

I have a question: Why do Pit Bulls like to chew up the BRASof girls who sleep over at their male owner’s house??
Why ??  

Are they deprived of toys that have hook and eyes??

AND WHY DO JACK RUSSELLS LIKE TO EAT TAMPONS??

This guy Andrew's cat, who acted like a dog, went one step further.

And I can’t believe I’m just now writing about it. I heard this story so long ago.

Andrew the cheater, whoose CAT ratted him out. (huh huh get it)

I’m not going to get into any details (mom), but Andrew and my friend Susan were in a relationship, and for whatever reason they were not using, uh…protection.

Susan said Andrew had been acting really distant and had conveniently not been available for about a WEEK, when they had the WTF is going on talk at his apartment. 

The apartment he lived in by himself.

I remember she said Andrew acted totally cool – nothing, nothing’s going on! – and she sat there for a good half hour trying to make him understand how sketchy he had been acting.

“Look, why can't I just go out on a Saturday without calling you or telling you what I’m doing??”

Ugh.

Susan said right as he was in the middle of this SPEECH of his, defending himself, the cat walked into the room...with, uh, PROTECTION. In his mouth.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DRAGGING IT! LIKE A WIENER DOG DRAGGING A SOCK!!!

Of course, neither of them knew immediately what it was, and Andrew stopped talking as he crept closer to see the cat's new toy.

And then Susan saw it. They both did.

The used condom the cat dragged in.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Uh, it wasn't THEIR used condom.)

"WHAT THE F---!!!” Susan said she screamed as Andrew held it in his hand. 

Of course, he said he didn’t know where it came from.

In his OWN apartment. 

Susan then gave us a dramatic replay of her speech (which I really hope was verbatim) about how Andrew was a piece of shit and a cheater and how she’d still believe his lies if it wasn’t for his CAT, the only NOBLE person in the house.

The NOBLE detective!

Hahahahahahahahahaha
Hahahahahahaha

We nearly died.

Wait, now that I think about it, I hope that cat lived after that.

Hmmm.

I’m buying Roux a new chew toy.

-Jenny

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