The airline lost my camera! (Left it on a park bench before
my flight.)
I got caught by that stupid train!! (Overslept)
My cat was throwing up all night and I had to bring her to
the vet!!! (Overslept)
In relationships, though, blaming someone else is tricky,
because there’s only one other person to blame (And he’s an asshole.)
Some people go the annoying route, and blame the other
person for their very clear transgressions.
“You MADE me sleep with your best friend!”
But even in that case, people who wrong still manage to
stand by their statements. Which makes it very hard (uh, supposedly) to
determine who exactly is to blame.
“You MADE it so I couldn’t tell you!!”
Ugh.
Jared, this guy who dated my friend Natalie, was the KING of
blaming everything on her. EVERYTHING.
Including things that were absolutely, unequivocally, 1000%
NOT her fault.
Here’s my favorite one:
Jared, an alcoholic, had too much to drink one night and
while Natalie was talking to other friends at the bar, he got thrown out by the
bartender for doing TRUST
FALLS
“You’re gonna bring him home?” the bartender asked Natalie,
after he alerted her to Jared’s faceplant.
“Oh…yea, sorry,” Natalie said and picked Jared up and led
him outside. Jared was confused about why he was thrown out and (obviously) blamed the bartender.
“Ok, right,” Natalie said when they approached his car.
“He’s an asshole. Oh, and I’m definitely driving home.”
“NO YOU’RE NOT!” Jared screamed. “IT’S MY FRIEND’S CAR AND
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DRIVE IT!”
“Um…babe, you just got thrown out of the bar for being too
drunk,” Natalie said. “I’m driving home.”
Jared was incensed, but Natalie refused to get into the car
and refused to let him drive.
“OK, FINE!” Jared said. “BUT IF YOU STALL THE CAR AT ALL, I’M DRIVING!”
“Done,” Natalie said, since driving a stick shift was her
hidden talent and there was no way she’d stall out.
She backed the pickup truck out of the parking space and
started the 2-mile drive back to her place. She didn’t stall out once or go
over the speed limit. But Jared still had to pick a fight.
“YOU’RE WEARING OUT
THE CLUTCH!” he yelled. “YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN IT!”
“Really? I’m going
to ruin a piece of shit pickup truck?” Natalie asked, irritated beyond belief
that Jared didn’t appreciate her leaving the bar on his behalf and driving him home.
Maybe it was the “piece of shit” comment that set him off,
even though it wasn’t even his truck.
That’s when, at 1 a.m., Jared decided to JUMP OUT OF THE
MOVING VEHICLE.
Natalie was just shifting from first to second gear and
about to turn onto a busy road when Jared opened the door and FACEPLANTED onto
the street. Natalie slammed on the brakes, horrified.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!?” she wanted to yell. “I could have
rolled over your F-ing neck! I would have gotten DUI manslaughter!!”
(Yes, this is something that could be blamed on him.)
But before she had the chance to scream, Jared stood up and
walked back to the open car door and showed Natalie his palms.
“LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU MADE MY HANDS BLEED!” he screamed.
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Natalie made his
hands bleed???
Oh yes, He blamed this on her. Not the fact that he exited
the moving car on his own. NOT. HIS. FAULT. Never his fault.
He might as well have said, “YOU MADE IT SO I HAD TO EJECT MYSELF FROM THE CAR!!!...WITH YOUR…PERFECT DRIVING. HOW DARE YOU!!”
Perhaps Jared can blame gravity for them braking up.
Or Toyota .
-Jenny
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