TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I bet there are a lot of guys excited about quarantine dating for the simple fact that they don’t have to pay for a first date.

LOL

(Baller move: Getting restaurant delivery to a girl’s house, and then having a zoom date.)

But let’s be real. No guy is doing that.

It’s hard enough to get a guy to pay for half your happy hour-priced tacos.

There are several ways guys justify this cheap dating behavior, many of which I’ve written about:

-“Girls just meet guys online to get a ‘free dinner’ and I just want to make sure you’re not one of them.”

-“I lost my debit card a week ago when I was drunk so I don’t have any money.” (Read more)

-“Don’t women want to be treated equal??” (Read more)

LOL

(The last one is my personal favorite.)

The thing about these excuses is that—while they are all hilariously bad—they reek of an element of “I would pay but…”

Like, I would pay but I want to make sure you’re not one of those gold-digging b*tches who is only in this for a free half a pizza!

Or, I would pay if I wasn’t a drunk mess.

I would pay, but feminism.

LOL

But there are other guys who don’t even pretend to have a reason to be cheap.

Full on honesty!

Take Anthony, this guy my friend Lacy met online and met up with pre-quarantine at a bowling alley.

(OMG I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I MISSED BOWLING ALLEYS UNTIL JUST NOW)

It was a seemingly adorable and creative first date.

It was at one of those hip bowling alley/bar combinations that was open really late and a fun scene.

So when Anthony asked Lacy if she wanted to meet him at 10 pm for their date, it didn’t seem unusual to meet up so late.

That’s when the alley started going!!! This guy was COOL.

Lacy arrived about 15 minutes early and saw Anthony at the bar. Brown hair, red shirt. Not as cute as his online picture, but cute enough.

They had their awkward hellos and Lacy was excited to get to bowling to break the ice.
Anthony hesitated.

“Well...let’s have a drink at the bar first,” Anthony said.

“Oh, we can drink while we bowl,” Lacy said, having been there before. “Servers come around, actually.”

Anthony hesitated again.

“Well...it’s ladies night at 10 pm so I’d like to wait until then, so you can bowl for free and I don’t have to pay for you,” he said.

SO I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR YOU!

“Seriously?” Lacy asked.

Anthony then laughed about being a “cheapskate.”

That’s why he wanted to meet up so late! Not to have a cool scene, but so he could get out of paying for her!

GUTTER BALL!

The bright side is, Lacy didn’t even have to remove her shoes before ending the date.

This is the kind of guy who makes you want to be in quarantine.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

All the hope and wonder and excitement of a first date can be ruined by several sentences:

Do you think the waitress would want to go out with me? (Read more)

I have a job interview, can I use your urine? (Read more)

I once dated my girlfriend's stepmom. (Read more)

These are all true stories.

I learned about one more gem this past weekend.

My friend, Julia, said it was the worst first date she had ever been on, ever. His name was Joel, he was 35, and they met online.

Joel was seemingly normal (they always seemingly are) over Bumble messages and texts on a real phone. He was in accounting and appeared to have it together. She agreed to meet him at this trendy tapas place that weekend.

She was already nervous. It was her first date following a very long relationship. 

Her first time getting out there, meeting someone new, all the feelings of anticipation: Will he look like his picture? Will he pay for the bill and not be annoying about it? Will they kiss at the end of the night?

It turns out, Joel also had questions.

Well, just one.

YA’LL. 

HIS OPENING LINE.

“So…am I going to have sex later?" he asked.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julia assured me that Joel wasn’t joking. 

It was especially grotesque because it was her first date in a very long time and she hadn’t even entertained the possibility of anything other than a goodnight kiss. MAYBE.

Despite being mortified, she managed an amazing response: "Not unless you have another date later," she said.

LOL

ZING!

Julia said they just kind of sat there awkwardly in silence in the high-top table by the bar.

"I’m going to take off,” Julia said and got up. 

Joel didn’t try and stop her, didn’t say anything else.

Fifteen words total and the date was over!!

Just her luck to get this guy after a decade of being in a relationship!

Why couldn’t he have just been a guy who looked nothing like his picture?

Why couldn't he have asked her for her urine?

LOL

-Jenny

Waiting for you, babe

We never thought she’d get here.

This wasn’t labor for 8 hours, like when I was there for my friend Kristin.

This was 24 hours of labor.

Actually 24 hours in the hospital, in a bed, hooked up to monitors, waiting around.

I was there with her husband, Daniel, the whole time, waiting.

Waiting for my first niece.

The niece from my identical twin sister, Joy.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For nine months, I wondered if she’d look like me.

For a month straight, I waited with my phone NOT on silent, waiting for the call that Joy was in labor.

We waited as her due date crept up.

Once we were at the hospital, we were all ready.

And then she made us wait an entire extra day.

It was really fitting, I suppose, all this waiting because there hasn’t been a baby in our close-knit family for 35 years, since when Joy and I were born.

No one had ever changed a diaper.

This baby was significant.

Especially to me, because it’s my first time being an aunt.

(Well, OK, I suppose it was significant to Daniel, too.)

But she was also significant to Daniel’s family, because it was the only girl in that family for years.

A tribe of boys all on that side.

We waited.

We waited for our whole lives to be different.

From midnight to 5 a.m., things were slow and uneventful. 

Then after on-and-off naps from 6-9 a.m., it remained...slow and uneventful.

At 10 a.m., we got news that she was halfway to the point of delivery.

We put out the word to friends and family.

And then we all waited.

“I feel like she’s never going to get here,” Joy said at 1:22 p.m.

We talked and chatted. We told jokes and watched bad television. We perked up whenever the nurse came in, hoping she’d magically birth the baby.

Everything was ready and in place at 7:30 p.m.

But still, she didn’t want to come out.

COME ON, BABY! I wanted to scream. DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE WAITING FOR YOU, WAITING TO LOVE YOU??

The candles that were distributed to close girlfriends to light during Joy’s labor had long gone out. (Haha...HIPPIES.)

It was now 20 hours in labor.

At 8 p.m., the nurse said we were done waiting for the baby and told Joy that she had to push this baby out on her own, with no help from the baby who was apparently allergic to the birth canal.

Joy had to make it happen.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever spent 20 hours in labor, but imagine competing in a Strongman competition that you didn’t at all train for.

And then once you’re done, they tell you there’s a last-minute event. Now it’s time to climb a mountain.

“I would quit!” I announced, mainly to make Joy laugh.

“Wait, do people quit?” I asked the nurse.

She replied, “I’ve seen…lots of things.”

Ha

But Joy wasn’t quitting.

No hesitation, she took every single ounce of her energy both mentally and physically to get the baby that we had all been waiting for into the world.

It was more pride than I’ve ever had for Joy that instead of breaking down and giving up about this situation, or deciding to quit pushing, or even being bratty (which happens when someone doesn’t eat or sleep for 20 hours) 

She didn’t give up once. 

Not even for a second.

I didn’t know that I was waiting to see Joy be so strong and so brave.

AND SHE PUSHED (think sit-ups with a 20-pound dumbbell on your stomach that is also thoughtfully pushing into a nerve in your back) for three entire hours.

THREE HOURS.

...coming off of 20 hours.

With each push we tried to make her laugh, tried to calm her breathing in between.

Daniel and I tried to muster even a fraction of the energy Joy was displaying.

And then, in a very dramatic fashion, she was born in the last hour of May 10, 2018.

And we all cried.

SHE HAD DARK HAIR!

(That’s not why we were crying.)

Elise Rose Farrae was the tiniest and cutest thing I had ever seen and I instantly fell in love with her.

“WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!” we cried. “ALREADY MAKING AN ENTRANCE, THIS ONE!”

The announcement went out to everyone waiting across multiple time zones.

Joy made the assessment that the labor was long and arduous because she had an easy pregnancy.

NO, JOY, IT’S BECAUSE WE WERE ALL WAITING FOR HER AND SHE KNEW IT.

Also, maybe because she’s a Taurus, who are known for their stubbornness. (Aunt Jenny has jokes!)

“Thanks for keeping us on our toes, precious one,” one friend wrote back.

The birth was beautiful and long and stressful, because when you wait for something so long, you want her to be born as soon as possible.

And now that she’s been in the world for exactly two weeks, I’m learning that waiting for her to be born was just the beginning.

I didn’t know that I was waiting to stare at her every second I was around her. 

I didn’t know I was waiting for this odd, unusual feeling like warm water being poured into my heart every time I see her.

I didn’t know I was waiting to see Daniel be the most doting dad in the world, connecting with his dark-haired mini-me daughter so immediately and profoundly.

This is just the beginning!

Now there’s another little person to carry on our family lineage, the first baby in 35 years.

A baby I’ve waited my entire life to meet.

And, I can't wait to see what life has in store for us, Elise.

-Jenny

I'VE MOVED!!!

Hi.

Sorry I've been gone from here.

My twin sister, Joy, bought me a domain name for Christmas (OMG it's almost this Christmas) and I've been posting Toolbag Tuesday there since February.

I haven't ghosted you!

Check me out at www.toolbagtuesday.com.

Also, how 2016 a gift was that??!?!?

XOXO

I'll post non-toolbag stories again soon. Maybe.

-Jenny

Valentine’s Day gifts you didn’t even know you wanted

It's Valentine’s Day again!!

And it’s time for another list of Valentine’s Day gifts!!

I know, errrrrrr, no one actually asked me to write a list of Valentine’s Day gifts for any of the years I’ve been writing these.

But there are a lot of clueless, scared people out there who need to get something for their significant other in FIVE DAYS.

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK.

This list follows my previous Valentine’s Day gift lists:

“Valentine’s Day gifts that sound lame but aren’t”

“Unisex Valentine’s Day Gifts”

“Valentine’s Day gifts under $50” and

“Oh shit, it’s Valentine’s Day in 2 days!!! 

(There’s bound to be something in one of those lists that will make your significant other take his or her clothes off on Tuesday!!)

I was having a hard time coming up with a “theme” for this year, so I thought about things I actually own or have experienced where I was like, I. HAD. NO. IDEA. I. NEEDED. THIS.

ME-TESTED!!!!

1.) iPhone air pods

Perhaps you don’t know anyone rich or fancy who got the new iPhone 7 and got the wireless earphones that come with it. TOO BAD FOR YOU. Once I put those little things in my ears I. HAD. NO. IDEA. that I could be so enveloped in music without huge earmuff headphones. They’re magical; no wires, so you can use them to work out without getting tangled in machines, crystal clear sound and bonus, it’s a great way to tune out your significant other. Ha.

2.) Amazon Echo (Alexa)

Perhaps you don’t know anyone rich or fancy who has an Alexa, BUT I DO, IT’S MY ROOMMATE. For the past four months I’ve been able to experience this much-nicer Siri basically be my electronic servant and answer anything I ask. You can ask her to stream WWOZ (I heart N.O.) or when the end of the world is. I honestly don’t know what life was like without her.

3.) Portable charger

So, if you aren’t rich or fancy, you probably have an old iPhone and it’s always dead. (I know...I'm psychic.) Make everyone's life easier with a portable charger! Yes, the secret here is to remember to charge your charger AND to remember to bring it with you. But this adorable charger fits on your key ring so that means you'll at least always have it whenever you have your keys. Baby steps...


4.) Groupon all-inclusive getaway

I used to be skinny

I know what you’re thinking. Booking a flight through Groupon?? Uh, ok idiot. But it’s legit! I swear! I went on an all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic in 2015 and it was one of the best vacations I’ve ever been on. And it was totally affordable for all you can eat and drink plus the flight and hotel on the beach for a week (like less than $100/day for all that) GO TO JAMAICA, MON. OR ICELAND. SHE’LL LOVE YOU.

5.) Hardcover photo book

Shutterfly lets you put up to 1,000 pictures into a book for $20 !!!!! Every time I go over to my sister’s house and see the photobook she made for her husband, I smile with every page turn. It's an easy way to shove your good time in people’s faces when they come over to visit. Keep it on your coffee table and everyone who comes over will look through it.

6.) Portable blender bottle

I’m in my 30s now and every diet book is all like, “MAKE SMOOTHIES!” “BUY PROTEIN POWDER!” “STOP DRINKING A BOTTLE OF WINE EVERY NIGHT!” Rude. I found that it’s much easier to make a smoothie when you can just blend it and take the bottle with you without having to do laborious things like "rinse it out" or "do the dishes." And it’s only $30! And you can get TWO water bottles if you choose the pink/blue option here. It is my most used kitchen appliance (aside from the wine key)

So there you have it. 

Valentine's Day gifts you didn't even know you wanted!!!

Valentine's Day gifts I didn't even know I wanted!!!

And, well, if all else fails, you can just take your own clothes off on Tuesday.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s hard not to complain about everything lately. There’s just so much material. 

Trump’s Twitter feed. A five-foot-tall Christmas tree costing $40. 

…The fact that my health insurance refuses to cover a typhoid vaccine from when I went to Guatemala because reimbursing customers for preventative health care is as foreign a concept as…Guatemala.

(Also, complaining about having first-world problems.)

But, in these seemingly DARK and DISMAL times, you know what is virtually impossible to complain about? 

S-e-x.

Or…so you think.

!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!

Apparently, there are GUYS out there who complain about sex, and I don’t mean complain about NOT getting it.

!!!!!!!!!!!

I KNOW!!!!!!

My friend Margie told me this mortifying story about this guy she dated, Griffin, who was nothing but a critic. UGH.

They went out several years ago, when they both worked at a restaurant. 

Griffin didn’t exactly get a good life review himself, since we’re on the subject of assessments.

He was in his early 30s, lived at home, wasn’t in great shape and he struggled with getting customers’ orders right. 

He also spent all his free time at the restaurant bar.

But Margie thought he was fun and harmless, so they went out for a few months. 

One day, there was a throwback “drive in movie” playing somewhere and they decided to go. Margie said in typical 1950s fashion, they totally did the hanky panky, grab-ass or whatever the cool kids call it, all in the privacy of the car.

Margie said it was the first time they had ever been that physical before, and it was all very exciting as Indiana Jones played on the big screen.

And, well, she didn’t do anything that uhhhhh Monica Lewisky hasn’t done before.

No complaints from Griffin there.

Margie felt a little sheepish on the way home about it, as most teenagers in the 1950s did, I imagine.

But as she looked to Griffin for some sort of comfort about it—Griffin, the guy who had absolutely ZERO going for him—he politely told her, "thanks for going out with me tonight" and then added….

“That was the eighth best B.J. I’ve ever had in my life."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCUSE ME?!??!?

THE WHAT-th BEST????

I don’t know what the bigger joke was, his B.S. line or pretending like he’s had eight B.J.s before.

Regardless, it was in poor taste, the worst of the worst in poor taste, and Margie ran out of his car mortified, 5000% regretting her decision.

WHO THE F SAYS THAT????

How about, "Baby, that was amazing, I'll never look at the Ark the same way!"?????

No, let's make up a rate system instead! Let's make the girl I'm dating feel **really good** about her life choices!!! 

Gross.

GROSS EIGHT TIMES OVER.

Now, how can we get him to contract typhoid…..

-Jenny

A December to remember

My twin sister Joy said a co-worker came into her office recently and asked how to pronounce her last name.

“That’s weird,” I said. “Our last name is, like, one of the top five most common names in America. What an idiot!” (Actually Census says it's number 65)

Joy paused.

Then I paused.

"OH DUH!!!!!!"

“Of course…your ‘married’ name.” 

(For the record, her new last name isn't even in the top 1,000 most common last names in the U.S.)

(I guess that coworker wasn't an idiot haha)

It feels like only yesterday that a such a major life-changing event occurred, but in fact, it was a year ago.

One year ago EXACTLY, in fact.

A YEAR AGO THAT MY TWIN SISTER GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!

I know it’s hard for most people to remember what they were doing a year ago.

(I’m not real clear about what I was doing a week ago.)

But on this day exactly a year ago, I know exactly what I was doing—getting scolded by my mom for my makeup.

“YOUR FACE LOOKS TOO ORANGE!” my mom said, across the large, airy room at a rented beach house on Folly Beach, South Carolina. “IT NEEDS TO BE BLENDED MORE!”

I took a sip of champagne (also met with displeasure by our mom haha) and apologized to the makeup artist for my whiteness.

Seven bridesmaids were all lined up to get our hair and makeup done and I felt like I was getting ready for the Academy Awards.

We all wore gorgeous matching silky robes Joy bought us and the day could have just ended right there and I would have been happy.

But then, we looked out the window and saw the group of men approaching.

All wearing matching charcoal gray suits walking up the wooden dock to the beach house, sticking out like sore thumbs against the sand and the shore.

“OMG there he is!” Joy said, seeing her soon-to-be-husband for the first time that day. 

And then she teared up.

THE MAKEUP ARTISTS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NOT TO APPLY THE MASCARA YET.

“Well of course there he is!” I said, confused. “There they all are!” 

(Some of the men included the husband/significant others of bridesmaids.)

But the married bridesmaids knew the importance of this moment. The moment you think about when you agree to say YES to someone.

And just for a second you forget about the wedding planning you've been stressing about for months and months.

Because all that matters is that there he is.

And there you are.

And there we ALL were.



(...errr some more orange than others.)

From that moment at the beach house, everything that happened on December 5, 2015 has been etched permanently into my brain.

The limo bus to the chapel, where I filled everyone glass with exactly two sips of champagne. 

Posing for every possible combination of photos for the photographer. Waiting in the “bridal suite,” at the chapel, peeking out to see all the guests arriving.

Even walking down the aisle, which felt like it was twice as long as it was the night before.

Tearing up as Joy walked down the aisle with our dad.



...And then holding her very heavy bouquet and realizing the terrible logistics of having to wipe tears from your eyes while holding a bouquet of flowers in each hand.

The entire thing was just perfect.

And then, if the day couldn’t have gotten any better, I had every single person I know and love, to hang out with for the rest of the night.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing all 130(ish) people at a party, but it’s amazing. You’re never in a corner, never at a table alone. No one turns you down for a dance. 

Everybody tells you how great you look (Lol). It was remarkable how many people I was able to catch up with in four very short hours. 

My maid of honor speech went over VERY well (thanks for asking) and after an insane amount of BEAMING from everyone on both sides of the new family, tons and tons of eating and dancing, memories and jokes, photos and singing, pans and pans of shrimp and grits later, it was time for the send-off.

I arranged a boat charter captain to meet at the dock right outside the venue so Joy and Daniel could leave the wedding on a boat. (Who needs wheels?)

We added battery-operated holiday lights on both sides of the boat, just like Cinderella’s carriage, only with…uhhh…different kind of horsepower.

And the saxophone played “When the Saints Go Marching In” and the boat puttered away into the distance, capping off the best December 5th I’ve ever had in my entire life. 

And then, just like that, everything went back to normal.

Well, except Joy’s new last name.

(Duh)

#hurrayFarrae

12.5.15

-Jenny

(Priscilla Thomas photography)