Tuesday, October 7, 2014


Boys can be so MEAN. (FYI: I just realized that “mean” is really “men” with an extra vowel hahaha)

Also mean? Massive work deadlines that I’m under, so I CAN’T write a long Toolbag Tuesday story today with a moral and everything.

I know...I’m so mean.

But what I CAN do is post notes from Toolbag Tuesday submissions I’ve received that have NO moral.

The ones with a certain WTF quality about them...you know, where I don’t want any more information.

So without further ado, I give you: MEAN BOYS COMPILATION, TAKE 1:

1.) He dutch-ovened me on a one-night stand and then stole my shoes. (Ed note: hahahahaha I actually should get more information about this.)

2.) Immediately said
"don't tell Britney about this" after we hooked up (Britney is my best friend.)

3.) I planned a very sexy celebration weekend for his birthday and found out at dinner that he had actually gone out for his birthday (on the actual day) but I was not invited.

4.) Flew back to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the holidays after almost six months away and asked him, “So what are we doing for New Years?" And he said, "As of now, I’m going hunting."

5.) He had a ticket to go to France and then broke the news the day before he left that he was actually going to visit his ex-girlfriend there. He promised they were just friends and he’d email me all the time. I got one email from him, of a photo of a busted statue from a museum with no subject, note or description. He never called me again even after he returned.

6.) Picked a fight with me because he said I “cut green onions wrong” when I was making us nachos and it made him question our entire relationship.

7.) Found out he was picking up men AND women on Craig’s List, only because I got a notification that he changed our Craig’s List password. He was using the same account we had used to sell our sofa.

8.) Hooked up with a guy and the next day had a mutual friend/co-worker of his find out if he liked me, and he told her that he was actually secretly in love with her and asked her out to dinner that night.

...I mean, can there possibly be a moral to any of these??? 

Other than....just DON’T do any of these things, because they're really, really mean??

It’s common sense, really:

Don’t steal your one-night stand's shoes.
Don’t pick up people on Craig’s List.

..And make your own damn nachos.

Got a Toolbag Tuesday story? 

Email me at JennyJenny504@gmail.com


Tuesday, September 30, 2014


No, I don’t know what couples do with their finances when they get married.

I mean, I guess stay-at-home moms spend their husband’s money (side note: Luuuucky) but I don’t know what people with two incomes do.

Do they have separate accounts AND a joint account, like my twin sister and I did when we first bought a house together?

Or do they throw everything in one account and keep a hawk-like eye on each other’s purchases??

I don’t know, but the second one sounds pretty miserable.

Tara, my friend who was married to this guy Jeffrey, was in that miserable situation.  

She said she and Jeffrey had a shared account and he was adamant that she couldn’t spend ANY money on anything. 

She was basically working for HIM and HE controlled all the finances, paid all the bills, blah blah blah.

Tara said Jeffrey was so stingy with their money that OMG...he told her that they couldn’t afford for her to buy...uhhh...products for her time of the month.


It was like a bizarre Seinfeld soup Nazi: 


Did they NOT teach him about female reproduction in school??
Because the feminine products aisle isn’t optional, D-bag (hehe see what I did there, same aisle.)

But Jeffrey was insistent that they couldn’t "afford" it because they were “in over their head” on their mortgage.

“It got to the point that my mom was sending me care packages with tampons in them,” Tara said. “It was so embarrassing.”


No, WHAT GUY, period, says a female can’t buy that??


Sacrifice something else!! It's like $6!!!

(And run away as far as possible!!!!!!)

No surprise, their relationship went downhill very quickly, and Tara filed for divorce.

And Tara’s no bullsh*t lawyer found out that OH!!! They were broke and couldn’t afford tampons NOT because of their mortgage...





Seriously. A cheater!!! Spending $40 on lunch dates five days a week, putting them into debt.

>Jaw drop<
>head shake<
>side eye<



A cheating loser who told his wife they were too broke to buy what she needed from Walgreens because he was spending it on another woman’s lunch!


He should never be allowed to have a bank account again!

Or, speak to a female.

Or, you know, BREATHE. 



Tuesday, September 23, 2014


Isn’t a relationship about making someone else happy? 

About seeing their face light up with joy over, say, a surprise home-cooked dinner, tickets to a concert or basically any effort at all?

And what’s happier than the happiest place on earth?

Answer: The Harry Potter theme park, also located in Orlando, Florida.

Short PSA announcement: if you’re dating a Harry Potter enthusiast, yes, they’d LOVE to go to the Harry Potter theme park, ThankYouVeryMuch. There’s a dueling dragon ride, Hogwarts castle (omg), butter beer with alcohol and wands and shit.

(For those of you making fun of this, you know if there was a Star Wars theme park you’d pee your pants, so stop.)

My friend Katie, for her part, was making her boyfriend, Andy, happy: she was going on a road trip to Florida with him to meet his mom for the first time. 

Katie and Andy both lived in Texas, but Andy grew up in Orlando. His mom worked at Disney World and she was really excited to meet Katie and give them free tickets to the Disney parks for the whole week.

Free tickets for a whole week in Disney World! A free place to stay!!

Katie was happy.

She met Andy’s mom and they got along great.

His mom brought them to Disney World the first day and she spent the whole day showing them cool things that the average visitor wouldn’t know. Katie was super impressed and took all of his mom’s advice about what parks to visit, what to ride, etc. for the rest of the week.

She said Andy was annoyingly uninterested and cranky, leaving her to pick up 100 percent of the conversation with his mom.

HEY, EEYORE, help a girl out!!

Katie said his mom was so sweet and so happy to be hosting them for a Disney vacation and they were talking on end about how much fun it all was but Andy remained a stick-in-the-mud about the trip...the trip HE suggested they go on.

Katie ignored him, because Snow White ain’t got time for that.

But really, who scowls at their girlfriend meeting-the-parents trip??? That’s best behavior time.

Especially at the happiest place on earth.

The second to last day of their week-long trip, Katie saw that the Harry Potter theme park had just opened nearby.

It wasn’t Disney, but it was a stone’s throw away and she was a massive fan.

“I’d LOVE to go to that!” she told Andy. “Maybe we can go tomorrow, on our last day here?”

Katie figured it would be a break from Disney and his mom. And they could stand to spend SOME money, since practically everything they had done was free or comped.

...Oh, and she had read every single book and watched every single movie and she was almost giddy at the possibility. Andy knew this.

“WHAT?? NO!” Andy said immediately. “No, we’re NOT going to Harry Potter theme park.”



Katie was taken aback.

“Wait...why?” she said. “You know I love Harry Potter and we’re already in Orlando...”

“BECAUSE I HATE THEME PARKS AND I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THEM!” he said, putting his hand up to his eyebrow, like a salute.

Uhhhh ...this was all new information to Katie.

“Well, it was your idea to come here-“ Katie snapped.



Wait...all for her???! 
Was she supposed to be grateful for having to put up with cranky-ass EEYORE all week?

What happened to Prince Charming??

“Ummm you’re also doing this for your mom, who is really excited to hang with us and be able to give us tickets-“

Andy then threw a fit.


Basically, he was throwing a tantrum like he was still a toddler in Orlando.

Katie didn’t mention that uh, HELLO, the Harry Potter park JUST OPENED and NO ONE has been there before, not even him when he was growing up. 

(I say growing up loosely).

Katie tried to explain that she was there in the first place to try and make HIM happy by meeting his mom and that she would really appreciate it if he went with her.

NO NO NO! he kept repeating.


Katie didn’t want to go alone, so she sadly threw away the Harry Potter theme park brochure, sadder than Neville Longbottom when he lost his toad.


One more day of a theme park and rides that would make his girlfriend happy and that was really too hard??

What kind of creature WAS he??? (NAGINI??!?!)

The annoying part is that Andy knew that if he had said yes, Katie’s face would LIGHT UP WITH JOY. He knew that.

Did he care?

Could he suck it up?


He turned Katie into a sad Neville Longbottom.

They broke up shortly after they returned to Texas, because who wants to go out with an angry toddler who can’t even ENJOY LIFE for a day to make his girlfriend happy?

It was a perfect example of a much bigger issue in their relationship.

So she Avada Kedavra-d his ass and left. 

And if Andy had gone to the Harry Potter theme park, he’d know exactly what that means.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014


I love when an “F U” idea blows up in a person’s face.

It’s hilarious.

It's like stepping on your own flaming bag of dog poo.

SUCKKKA!!! (insert made up gang sign) THAT’S WHAT YOU GET! 


Charles, this shithead who dated my friend Ashley, thought he had a great “F U” idea for her.

They had a son together and were in a nasty custody battle over him. Despite Charles moving 500 miles away from Ashley (and New Orleans), he wanted their son full-time.

But he couldn’t find anything damning about Ashley not being fit for motherhood, so Charles came up with what he thought was a great idea. 

He mandated that Ashley take drug tests whenever he snapped his finger.


That'll get her, he thought.

(Ya’ll. This actually exists.) 

“How about THAT!!?” Charles snarled when Ashley called him about it.

“You DO know this applies to YOU TOO, right?” Ashley retorted. 

“I can make YOU to take a drug test whenever I want, too.”

Charles was too busy cackling about the whole thing to listen.

The next day (obviously the next day) Charles invoked his new power and ordered Ashely to take a drug test.

“FINE,” She said.

Ashley calmly re-arranged her schedule and took time off work to go to a licensed clinic and get the test.

Flying colors.

“I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO DO ANOTHER ONE!” Charles demanded the next month.

Ashley was annoyed.


“BECAUSE I SAID SO!” he yelled.

Again she showed up to do the test and passed.

It was now his turn.

Ashley sent the request; he had 24 hours to comply.

But Charles decided that he wasn’t going to take a drug test, and ignored it.






HE'S GONE!!!!! 







Yes, because of HIS great idea, 24 hours a day there are people trying to find him and serve him papers for contempt of court.

If he’s pulled over by a cop and identified, he’s going to jail.



(Also: good luck getting custody of your kid when you’re a fugitive, idiot.)

Yet, right when Ashley was feeling satisfied with how this all went down, she got an email.

From Charles’ dad.

“We’re going to need you to go ahead and take another drug test,” he wrote.





(ED. NOTE: TWO TOOLBAGS!! What father backs his fugitive son like that???)


Ashley’s lawyer responded that she’s NOT taking another drug test until Charles takes the one she ordered for him five months ago.

Or, at the very least, until he SHOWS BACK UP IN SOCIETY.

I MEAN, WTF!?!!!!

On what planet is it OK to ask your ex to take a drug test when you refuse to do one yourself and are now hiding out from law enforcement somewhere?



Now THAT'S one hell of a drug.


Tuesday, September 9, 2014


Also  a toolbag: the lack of content in the Google search "Ray Rice Asshole"

Ugh. Society.


Friday, September 5, 2014

Kirstie Alley is a liar and other things I learned when my best friend had a baby

I would say the most surprising thing was that I was able to find things to talk about with my best friend and her husband for 11 straight hours, in the same tiny room, without alcohol.

...Oh, and the baby she birthed was cool, too.


(What?? Did you think I was talking about a jail cell????)


My best friend had a baby!!!!!

I guess we really ARE growing up. 


Pun intended.

When I walked into the labor and delivery hospital room on June 20, the first thing I remember was the squishy, frog-like sound, on repeat, on surround sound.

It’s very similar to the noise I used to make in elementary school (uhhhh, last week brushing my teeth) where I put water in the pockets of my cheeks and swish it back and forth really loudly, intentionally making a funny fart sound.

Squishy squishy, squishy squishy, squishy squishy

That was the baby’s heartbeat.

I squealed.

It was perfect timing that I had moved back to South Carolina right as my best friend Kristin got pregnant.  

I was there to see her belly grow for all nine months, half-thinking that the day wouldn’t ever come, that she’d just be pregnant forever in this little time warp bubble, and then BOOM.

Birth. day.

I arrived at the hospital thinking that it would be like the movies, a lot of screaming and yelling and cursing at her husband, Doug, but that was not the case at all, thanks HOLLYWOOD. YA DUMB ASSES.

Actually, Kristin’s birth made me feel a lot better about the whole “giving birth” thing.

Remember the line in Look Who’s Talking, “Why don't YOU try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot YOU look??”

Well. Kirstie Alley lied! Babies are NOT born the size of watermelons.

I mean, even now, almost two months later, baby Rhett is definitely not the size of a watermelon. Not even close.

Oh, and, FACT: The cervix expands to WELL over the size of a lemon.


I know this because I read the entire “explaining your baby’s birth” packet the hospital gave her while we were waiting in the room.

“Did you know that RIGHT NOW your cervix is, like, the size of the top of a Miller High Life bottle, and it’s going to be the size of the BOTTOM OF A MASON JAR???” I asked thoughtfully, using real-world examples.



The hardest part, well, before the pushing, was passing the time.

Thankfully, the World Cup was still on and we got to watch a few games as Kristin clung to the side of the hospital bed whenever a contraction came.

“Hey look!” I offered. “That guy just took a cleat to the face! You think he’s in more pain than you right now?”

(No he wasn't)

Another thing they don’t show you in STUPID HOLLYWOOD MOVIES is how, when you are going into labor, you’re attached to every machine in the world.

An IV drip, a blood pressure monitor, a belt with sonar capabilities to hear the baby’s heartbeat.


Whenever Kristin would adjust her position in bed and the sonar belt would slip down her belly and the heartbeat sound stopped, I yelped.


Eleven hours flew by, like WOAH, and then suddenly, the nurse came in and...uh...checked her MASON JAR...(you picture that) and was very nonchalant when she said, “Ok, we’re ready.”



Yes, just like that.

It was like when I was told to jump off the high dive at the YMCA as a child. 



Kristin was going to give birth right there, in the very room we had been hanging out in the whole time.

(I think Family Guy was on at this point.)

It was shockingly all-of-a-sudden. But that’s how life goes: super-fast—everything can change in one minute.

And suddenly here came this little guy who we had waited for all damn day (well, nine months, technically, but you know what I mean...)

And he was HERE for everyone to see and he was crying and cold and confused and SO SWEET AND TINY and Kristin went from being a cute pregnant person to a mom.

A mom!


(yes, this is all about ME)

RHETT WILLIAM was the cutest, tiniest thing I had ever seen. 20 minutes old.

“Hi Rhett!” I said softly as he laid in Kristin’s arms, and I teared up because I was so unbelievably happy for their little family (FAMILY!!!) and knew their lives would now be wonderfully and forever changed.

And then I didn’t know what else to say to Rhett. 

“Welcome to the world!” I whispered, touching his little clenched fist. 

“The year is two-thousand-fourteen...Barack Obama is the president...”

Seriously, I said that. 

Then we both started crying.


It’s true that you don’t really know what you’re doing when you’re around a newborn. (Correction: I. I don't know what I'm doing around a newborn.)

In these past two months, it has become clear that since I don’t produce milk, I am a disappointment to Rhett when I show up wearing tight shirts. 


But I’ve been trying to be useful in other ways. Kristin and Doug have been showing me how to soothe him when he’s crying, how to burp him (Tip: Do NOT WHACK him on the back.)

“That’s where his lungs are,” Doug informed me.

“I’M SORRY RHETT! WE’RE BOTH LEARNING ABOUT LIFE HERE!!!” is always my dramatic line. “I’m NEW at being an AUNT!”

With my nervousness of not knowing what to do with a baby and not wanting to breathe on him wrong, I never really got the big picture.

But two weeks ago, I was in a terrible mood from an obnoxious work day and came over to visit with a bottle of wine.

And as I sat there across the room, observing, I just melted when I saw Kristin soothe and rock Rhett, and I could just feel how much love she has for him—this reach-out-and-grab-it kind of love. 

I’ve never seen that before.

(Well maybe from people who are too obsessed with their dogs.)

I melted that day, making my horrible work day turn into a speck of dirt in comparison. 

My best friend, my former roommate, who I'd stay up with until the wee hours drinking and dancing, living in Spain together in college and raising hell, is now a mom. A perfect, wonderful mom.

As I sat there watching her with Rhett with a goofy grin on my face, (wine!) I would say the most wonderfully surprising thing is how beautiful and natural Kristin is, how this stage in life isn't as scary as it once was. 

And love like I have never seen before is happening every second of every day.

...Oh, and the baby she birthed was cool, too.


Love you, Rhett!!

-(Aunt) Jenny

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


RULE #1: Single people don’t have rules.


There’s an eCard that explains this perfectly:

If there’s an eCard it MUST be true!!

You may think I’m joking but I’m not.

Go ahead! Call me at 4:45 a.m.!!! Buy me a ticket to the Bahamas, leaving in an hour!


So basically, you can always tell someone isn’t really single when they throw around rules for you:

No, I can NEVER hang out on weekends....

No, you can’t come visit me at my apartment. You can only visit me at my FRIEND’S apartment.


Today, my friend Kelli gave me a new one.

“Don’t call me after 5 p.m.”


These specific instructions came from Rob, this guy she met at a bar who was in town on vacation. 

Rob, who spent the night at her place. (Whoops).

Rob and his friend had followed Kelli (SINGLE!) and her roommate (SINGLE!) home to their apartment after a night of drinking and chatting and laughing and making out.

Rob was quick to show off his super toned body (with shirtless pics on Kelli’s phone to prove it) and then jumped into her bed, naked.

Kelli told him that it's one thing to make out all over town, but she wasn’t interested in sleeping with him right away. He grudgingly passed out. 

Then Rob woke up an hour later and walked into her roommate’s room, naked, and tried to get under her covers.

After a weird NO, DUDE and an umm...you were making out with my FRIEND, creep, Rob slept on the floor.

The next day, Rob and his couch-surfing friend drove two hours back home. Kelli got a text message from him.

“Hey! Call me! But don’t call me after 5 p.m.” Rob instructed.



Kelli called him at 3 p.m.

“Don’t call after 5 p.m.? What, do you have a girlfriend?” Kelli asked, half-joking.

“Well...actually...” he said. “I have a fiancée.”


“...and we live together.”


I mean...DUH. 

“So I can’t talk to you anymore!” Rob said. “You can NOT contact me anymore!”


Rules, rules RULES!

(FYI: HE gave her HIS number.)

“Don’t worry, you definitely won’t be hearing from me again,” Kelli said.

Then she and her roommate talked shit about both of them for the rest of the hour—Rob for being a massive cheater...side note: WHY AREN’T GUYS REQUIRED TO WEAR ENGAGEMENT RINGS??!?!—and also his friend, for letting him.

(Tool by association.)



Kelli kept her promise and hasn’t contacted Rob again. But she did keep the picture of his hot body. Which she forwarded to all her girl friends.

Because she can do whatever the F*ck she wants.



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