Tuesday, May 26, 2015


I was thinking of what could possibly be the worst birthday gift in the world since I recently learned that there are guys out there (UHHH  in their 30s...kill me) who think it’s OK to NOT get A BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR THE GIRL THEY ARE DATING.


I figured out the worst possible gift in the world, worse than getting nothing at all.

A losing lottery ticket.

No, not a lottery ticket, period. Which the odds say would likely be a losing lottery ticket.

No, an actual LOSING lottery ticket, like the DRAWING HAD ALREADY HAPPENED and the ticket was a loser (Huh. Ironic)





Basically a scrap piece of paper that should be put in the trash.



(Answer: A loser.)

“Who gives a girl a losing lottery ticket?” asked Jessica, my friend who received this unfortunate present on her 30th birthday.

“Oh, well, I bought it for you a week ago when we were supposed to go to dinner,” said Jason. “But then we got into that fight so I wasn’t able to give it to you.”





But Jason thought that a scrap piece of paper was completely sufficient, seriously.

Jessica said to make matters worse, he brought this "gift" to her birthday house party. 

He didn’t even have a CLUE to bring a bottle of wine or anything! 

He showed up at a birthday house party for the girl he was dating empty-handed. 

Worse than empty-handed!! He brought trash.

Why on Earth would someone do that? Was it laziness? Was he that cheap??

Because even a current lottery ticket by itself is a shitty gift for a girl you are dating. It's $2...and an afterthought for when you buy a Twix bar.

Was he REALLY that big of a dud?

EARTH TO JASON: The point of an EFFING lottery ticket is to at least have the anticipation of being a winner. 

Which I guess could be an analogy for anyone you’re dating: Is he a winner? Will I hit the jackpot this time???

No, Jessica did not hit the jackpot. 

Jason was the OPPOSITE of the jackpot.

And it kept getting more insulting.

When Jessica dumped him, for reasons other than the stupid gift (but really, the gift played the lottery), Jason’s response was that she was “too needy.”





Yea I guess so. 

In that she NEEDS to find a winner.

And the lottery ticket isn't the only thing that needs to go into the trash.


Thursday, May 21, 2015


There are times when it’s really not cool, man, to date someone if you have a shit ton of baggage.

Baggage: If you’re living with someone, if you’re engaged, if THERE IS SOMEONE IN YOUR BED RIGHT NOW.

Seriously, in South Carolina, you have to be divorced for an entire year WITH NO NEW "KNOWN" RELATIONSHIPS in order to be properly divorced and not annulled for fraud or something.

But that wasn’t the case with this guy David, who my friend Stephanie went on exactly one date with. 

He didn’t have baggage like beating a dead horse and then waiting a year for it to die because the law says so.

He just had baggage.

No, like literally, baggage....in that he was leaving the next day for CaboMexico with his “ex” girlfriend to go to a wedding that they both still had to attend together for some reason.

And the “ex” girlfriend was at his house that very moment (?) because she had a key to his place because they weren’t really broken up. 

And during David and Stephanie’s date, this girl blew up his phone texting him all night about how she’s in love with him and why can’t they work it out and where the F was he??

Answer: he was on a Tinder date. 


PACK YOUR BAGS, DAVID, and please don’t come back to this country.

How did Stephanie know about all of his baggage?

Because when she saw his phone blow up, in the way you can tell when someone is texting someone over and over and you see a LIST of messages on their display, she asked him about it.

And he told her the whole story, like it WASN’T a hot mess!

He actually showed her the text messages! From his very sad "ex"-girlfriend who was IN HIS BED AT THAT MOMENT.

David must have been very drunk, because he told Stephanie that he and that girl had broken up a “few days before” without thinking that Stephanie could do math.

Because they had “matched up” and chatted online well before a “few days ago.”



...Other than I guess hoping Stephanie would invite him home????

But Stephanie did NOT invite him home. Quite the opposite: She left him at the bar, telling him to go home to his girlfriend and to never talk to her again. 

And then she drove home pissed. What a waste of time.

But what did David do then??? He texted her the next day!!!

“I had to walk home from River Street ,” he wrote.

Bahahaha boo hoo.

“I must have been bad,” he wrote.

Hahahaha bad.

Did he even remember? Remember that he was a hot mess?

“Try you have a girlfriend and you were out with another girl. I would say that was bad,” Stephanie wrote back.


Then David got mysterious: “You don’t know my situation…”

Wrong. She did know his situation. He had showed her all the text messages from this poor, sad girl.


Translation: Adios.


I hope he got lost.

Along with his baggage.


Tuesday, May 12, 2015


Fun with lists!!

Because, as Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

Or, as Buzzfeed says, “We have successfully managed to limit your attention span to the length of lists."

(P.S. “You won’t BELIEVE number 4...”)

And, as I say, “I’m up to my ass in deadlines for work I actually get paid to do and don’t have a lot of time for toolbags right now.”

But, let’s just go with the brevity-soul-wit thing:

Below are my favorite one-to-two sentence descriptions from my friends who have submitted a Toolbag Tuesday story.

They may be expanded later into their own special posts, but just standing alone, they get the point across.

Just for clarification....


Especially #4...jerk

1.) He lectured me in bed about how my apartment was a mess and I need to clean up my life while he himself has no place to live and has been a professional bed-surfer for three years.

2.) After four great dates and two sleepovers, he disappeared for a week and then texted me with a witty and urbane, "Hi."

3.) I invited my ex to my 28th birthday party. He texts back that he really wishes he could make it but has to work. He then asks me if I am seeing anyone. I say, "no" and then ask him why. His reply was "I'm engaged." WTF why do that do me the day before my birthday?

4.) After three months of dating, he didn’t get me anything for my birthday.

5.) I don't know how common it is to have a guy tell you a girl has cancer to get away with attempting to cheat with her.

6.) Follow up to the same guy from #5: He indicated I deserve to be punished because I told my friends what happened and made “everyone think poorly of him.”

7.) When the liquor shot set in, the guy I just met begins doing this nod thing towards the door and slurring "So, do you want to, like, go somewhere and...make out or something"

8.) This guy says two words to me at a party and goes in for a kiss without even being introduced. When I said, ummmm no, his response was, “So, you’re just going to reject me all night?”

9.) I would text him and say "I want to see you tonight." But he was too busy sitting at home with his cat and would see me the next day at his convenience.

10.) He tells me that for him to give me my stuff back I need to unblock him on Facebook because that's the NICE thing to do.


“What a piece of work is a man” -Shakespeare


Tuesday, May 5, 2015


Any guy who has ever had a girlfriend (or has ever read an effing CATHY comic) knows it’s NOT OK to talk about how pretty other girls are because society sucks and it makes us feel bad about ourselves.

I mean...have there not been enough Tyler Perry movies going over this?

Besides...do you REALLY want to be on the receiving end of: “Oh, you think Keira Knightly is the hottest person in the world??  Basically someone who looks the complete opposite of me?? Well, then what are you doing dating ME for??!?!?!?


For example.

But it’s one thing to carelessly mention in passing that a particular actress or singer is attractive, or maybe even the copy store girl (R.I.P.....F.R.I.E.N.D.S).

...It’s quite another to go OUT OF YOUR WAY to tell someone that another girl is “hot” when nobody asked your opinion, ThankYouVeryMuch.

But to be fair, nobody ever accused Kurt of NOT being a sleaze. (sleeze??)

Kurt was a rich and successful banker, attractive enough, and had the asshole aura to prove it.

My friend Sara knew him as a colleague, when she did marketing for a firm that worked in finance. 

It was part of her job to schmooze with bankers and Sara had had met Kurt at a number of work and networking functions and they chatted many times.

Of all the sleazy bankers she dealt with, Kurt was the one who would routinely come up to her and make flirty talk while staring at her chest. 

While wearing a wedding ring.

Kurt enjoyed every second of the attention Sara gave him, even though his bank never used her firm’s services.

Ugh. That guy.

After four years, Sara moved jobs to one NOT in finance and enjoyed her new-found freedom of not having to schmooze with A-holes.

But then, she found herself face to face with the biggest one two weeks later on a weekend night at the end of a very long pub crawl.

Sara had been out with her friends and was at the bar trying to order a drink when Kurt came up to her and tapped her on the shoulder.

“Oh, hey!” Sara said. “Long time no see!”

It was a time for Kurt to ask her how her new job was going, make a joke about banking, ask what she was doing now, I don't know... ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

But he decided to lead off with this:

“I met your replacement,” he said smugly. 

“...She is SO. HOT.”

His wedding ring gleamed in the dimly-lit bar.

“Um...Ok,” Sara said. She didn't know the firm had even hired a replacement.

“I mean....just....really. Hot,” Kurt said, again. Smugly. Again.

He searched Sara’s face for a reaction.

The sad truth was that Sara actually felt a sting of jealousy because society sucks and statements like that make women feel bad themselves.

But ALSO, when you hold a job somewhere for years and years, you don’t want to hear about your replacement being the hottest new thing on the block.

Like..."Yea, the minute she started, everyone forgot your name!!!”

So...doubly offensive.

Sara tried to steer the conversation to professionalism, not appearances.  

“Well, how did she do at that big convention in New York? Did she go?” Sara asked, remembering the biggest marketing event of the year.

“Yea she went...and everyone was just OBSESSED WITH HER because she is so GORGEOUS."

"Like, all the bankers are just in LOVE with her. She's going to do really well.”


Sara didn’t know how to respond because COLD POTATOES DON'T TALK.

But it didn't matter anyway because Kurt then walked away. 

Walked away!!!

He didn't say bye, he didn't ask her how her new job was, he didn't even ask her where she was working now.


Did he really just come over to specifically tell her about her super hot replacement??


The annoying part was that it worked. 

At that moment Sara wished she was taller, and thinner and looked down at her outfit, frowning.

It was so sad.

...all thanks to a sleazy DOUCHE....WHO WAS MARRIED.


What did Kurt possibly hope to get out of that conversation??

More smugness??

Was he expecting a, "Oh, KURT, I feel so self-conscious now...let's have sex"  ???????


It’s not very often that I wish I could punch someone in the face, but I’ll make an exception for Kurt.

And now that I think about it, I wish I could call his wife and tell her to leave his stupid, sexist ass.

And then glue Cathy comics to his face.


Tuesday, April 28, 2015


In the dating world in 2015, you haven’t really lived unless you’ve been on a terrible Tinder online date.

But my friend Martha wins for most terrible (well, winning here is really losing) because her date LEFT THE BAR WHEN SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

Oh yes.

Left the bar. When she went to the bathroom.

I suppose I don’t need any more elaboration than that, but it gets worse.

(Oh dear.)

Yes, Nathan, our strapping young suitor with the manners of...an ASSHOLE...thought it would be totally acceptable to NOT say goodbye, not even attempt a “nice to meet you” and decided to bolt when Martha went to pee.

Newsflash: People are not like video games where you can just hit the off button and walk away when you decide you don’t like it. People have feelings....DOUCHE.

Seriously, it would be less mortifying if she was just stood up completely.

Not that Martha particularly liked Nathan anyway. But still, it was a date, one where she took time out of her life to get ready, drive to the bar, meet him and give him a chance. 

And even though she didn’t like him, she was fully prepared to SAY GOODBYE.

It's not like they got into a fight or anything. 

But instead, she found herself walking out of the bathroom like normal but finding no one sitting at the bar, just Nathan’s EMPTY BEER GLASS.

At first, she thought Nathan may have been in the bathroom, too, because how could someone possibly be that rude?

Was he outside? Martha wondered. Was he at his car?

Getting more concerned, Martha waited for TWO WHOLE MINUTES looking around when it dawned on her that no, he left. HE EFFING LEFT.

She had never experienced such blatantly rude behavior in her life.

It was at that moment when the bartender got her attention.

“You want me to close out your tab, too?”




Of COURSE Nathan couldn’t have paid for her beer, not even as a $4.50 consolation prize for getting ditched.

Martha was embarrassed and furious at the same time and was closing out her tab when she ran into a guy friend who played on her kickball team.

Martha had never been so happy to see a friendly face in her life.

She gave him the one-sentence summary: “THIS DUDE LEFT WHEN I WAS IN THE BATHROOM!!!” and they laughed about it over drinks. (Well...she tried to laugh about it.)

It was about 15 minutes later, Martha said (“one beer later”) when she saw the unthinkable: NATHAN WALKED BACK INTO THE BAR.


Martha said Nathan’s face drained of all its color when he saw her still sitting there.


And then, he did the most typical thing one would expect a guy like him to do: HE DID A COMPLETE 180 and walked right back outside.




I guess he thought 15 minutes was enough time for her to be mortified enough to leave, so he could come BACK?!?!?

And did he think she didn't see him????!





What an amazing douche.

I personally wish Martha would have screamed, “I’M STILL HERE MOTHERF*CKER!!!” at him while making some sort of threatening gang sign.

...But that would have been rude.

No, she should have locked him in the bathroom.

And then left.


Tuesday, April 21, 2015


There are just some people that really need to turn their iPhones back in to society and get issued a carrier pigeon or something. 

For bat-shit crazy abuse of Instagram and social media. 


The toolbag  I wrote about a few weeks ago who kept sending his ex-girlfriend photos of Tinder girls or porn stars and pretending that he was hooking up with them should certainly be included in the confiscated phone group.

But Harrison, this guy my friend Shannon dated, would be the poster child. 

He’d be the face...no, the inspiration behind the “we need to take away your phone” movement.

It would be like the Rob Lowe Direct TV ads. 

“Don’t be like Harrison,” the posters would say, and then there would be an outline of his phone in his hand, like a dead body at a crime scene. 

And this is why:

Harrison and my friend Shannon dated for almost a year, until she found out that he was cheating on her and she promptly dumped him. 

It was one of those embarrassing revelations, where the “other woman”—a stranger—contacted her with the news and it all came tumbling down.

When Shannon told him that IT WAS OVER, Harrison wouldn’t stop harassing her through his iPhone. 

He’d text saying that he missed her, he’d text saying that he wanted to marry her (vom) and then he texted her this gem the other day:





I mean W.T.F.



That’s an abuse of texting AND Instagram.

(Also note to self: User Ecards_adulthumor is neither adult, nor humorous)

Shannon was supremely offended and mortified and responded brilliantly:

Then she went to bed that night feeling GROSS and woke up to THIS gem:




A “walking along the sand” photo and seemingly sweet message sent 12 hours after the last Instagram proposition of choking her from the back.




“Sorry for last night” 



What a freak.

After getting the morning text, Shannon cautiously opened Instagram and searched for his account. 

More abuse!

Five minutes after her sent her the stupid walking-in-the-sand photo telling her I love you, he had uploaded a photo of himself at the gym with the hashtags #singlelife #Ilovemyself

LOL single life.

LOL I love myself!!!!!!!!

Yea, right.



Don't be like Harrison.

Now, please place your iPhone in the box to the right.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015


There are several acceptable reasons why someone would use the phrase, “No one is going to marry you if....”

And here are some:

“...If you keep smoking crack.”

“...If you keep sleeping with your friend’s husband.”

“...If you keep telling people your favorite movie of all-time is Friday.”

(Um. For example.)

But the exceptions are very few and far between. 

There are very few cases where that line is acceptable. 

Because not ONLY is it a completely mean and rude thing to say, but no one knows EVERYONE in the world so they can’t even really MAKE that claim.

Like, SOME people don’t mind that the movie Friday has all the action, romance and comedy one needs in a 90-minute film.


But in all seriousness, that’s a shitty thing to hear from anyone. 

Especially someone you’re dating.

(Hearing that line from someone you’re dating is the moment where you realize that you’ve wasted all your time with a person.)

But WASTES of times happen, and in this case, the WASTE OF TIME was George, this guy my friend Sarah dated.

George and Sarah met in a small Georgia town where she was from, and they dated for almost a year when Sarah had an epiphany about her purpose in life: she wanted to be a lawyer. 

She was super smart (well, except the part about dating George) and she was good at English and writing. 

She made the decision to apply to an in-state law school when George decided that he had something to tell her.

“You know, no one is going to marry you if you become a lawyer,” he said.






I MEAN....WHAT????

Sarah was so taken aback she fell right into the 1950s, or maybe the 1850s.

“EXCUSE ME?” Sarah asked, ink on her face from her application.

“What does being a lawyer have to do with me not being marry-able?” she asked.

It was a chance for George to dig himself out of this sexist hole by maybe saying that law school takes a long time, and marriage would take a back seat and what about a family, blah blah blah 

(Like guys UNDER 35 even give a shit about that, outside of PODUNK Georgia.)

But instead of making his bullsh*t statement about them and their future, George responded with, “I’m just traditional.”



Like it’s traditional for women to NOT be rich and successful.

Female lawyers can’t very well be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, now can they????? 

Seriously. A 20-something guy honestly had these thoughts on the place of females in society. This century.

Oi Vey. 

Let’s blow up Georgia.


How about, "No one is going to marry you if you don't get your HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS?"


Obviously, we didn’t last very long after that,” Sarah THE LAWYER told me last week, before she went to a hearing where she was going to make $7,000 for one week of work.


Oh, and she’s been proposed to three times. 


...And that’s why, kids, you always always screw tradition.

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