Tuesday, July 19, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I love when a guy you’re dating can teach you things, like the rules of basketball or how to do an Irish Car Bomb.

Sometimes, though, these lessons go much deeper. 

My friend Willa and and this guy Greg dated for almost a year and slowly, Willa found herself staying at his house all the time.

It wasn't an official “move in” together, it was more of a “she's there all the time” situation, and he gave her a few drawers so she had clothes and other girly possessions there permanently.

So, it became them living together organically without a "lets move in" conversation.

Willa and Greg did, however, start talking about her renting out her house out, because they both acknowledged that she spent no time there.

But about three weeks after having the conversation of how much to rent her house for and HIM telling her to move her CAT into his place, he decided that all the stuff that he suggested was "too much."

LOL

But, no, he didn’t want to stop dating altogether...

He only wanted to date her on the WEEKENDS.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???

Selfish prick.

So, within a month, their relationship goes from a full-on cohabitation with HER CAT scenario to Saturdays only.

So Willa said she was leaving him.

Yet, every time she went by his house DURING THE WEEK, DESPITE HIM to get her things back, he’d say sorry, and keep her there for dinner and she’d spend the night.

She couldn’t leave him.

It was only when the situation finally began wearing her down that she told him that it had to go one way or another. 

"Either have me seven days a week or zero days a week."

Greg would flip-flop his answer and then bring her back to bed and she still couldn't leave him.

But she kept pressing him about the "weekend only" thing.

He finally told her, exasperated, that her problem is that she, “always knew when to come around, but never knew when to leave.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that's how Greg taught her how to leave. For good.

A++

-Jenny


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Job descriptions always talk about the unimportant things about working there, like "dental insurance," "flexible hours" and “leadership opportunities.”

They don’t mention the really important things, like how the job comes with resident office CREEPS, guys who you’ll have to put up with every day.

It wouldn’t kill employer XYZ to casually mention in the job description: “In addition to 15 days of paid vacation a year, you’ll be sitting at a very spacious corner desk with Phil, who likes to talk about how women should wear the highest heels possible, because he really likes calves.”

I used to work at a very large office years and years ago, and had the unfortunate luck to work with a very creepy IT guy who mistook my being impressed with his IT skills (uhhh…he figured out my forgotten password) as a green light to hack me.

HACK me.

...Because THAT’S what girls like.

One day he casually strolled by my desk and said, “You should really turn off your Bluetooth.”

I didn’t’ even know what Bluetooth was at the time.

“Why?”

“Because you leave yourself WIIIIIIDE open,” he said.

UM.

(Where's the escape button??)

“For example,” he continued. “I don’t want to know that you just checked UPS tracking to see when your new perfume shipment was coming.”

!!!!!!!!!!

I gulped wide-eyed. I had just done that. From my phone, from the privacy of my desk.

SINCE WHEN WAS THIS PART OF HIS JOB DESCRIPTION?

…AND WHY WASN’T THIS MENTIONED IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION?

"…Very competitive salary, plus an in-house technician that thoughtfully spies on you through your iPhone!”

“I don’t…want…you to know that either,” I said, feeling violated. But rather than pick up on my sarcasm, he cackled and walked away, thinking he did me some sort of favor.

Every day, there would be another creepy encounter that involved technology.

He “joked” that he was going to put cameras up in the hallway to the bathroom that only me and another female co-worker used. 

Seriously, we took out a broom and used the handle to push up the square ceiling tiles to make sure there wasn’t one hidden up there.

DEFINITELY NOT PART OF HIS JOB DESCRIPTION.

Then came the final straw.

He was troubleshooting a problem with me over the phone when he casually commented that I should “be careful” or else he’d HACK INTO MY COMPUTER'S CAMERA and watch me as I typed at the computer all day.

“Why…would you do that?” I asked. “I feel like I would need to 'OK’ that on my end.”

“Because I can!” he said, and then hung up.

I immediately put a Post-It note over the little dot on the camera and tried to shake off his creepy, slimy comment.

The next day, I found him sitting at my desk, at my computer, on the phone.

“Err….updating Adobe,” he said when I walked in, and then immediately got up.

It was fishy. I was using a bootleg copy of Adobe and it wasn't update-able. Even I knew that.

Then I saw it: The post-it note had disappeared. Of course.

That was it.

I went to our boss and told him how creeped out I was and asked to file a formal complaint.

“Wait…WHAT is he doing in the bathrooms???” the boss said.

I handed him the broom.

The next day, I was called back to the boss’ office.

He had spoken with the in-house creep/hacker who admitted he did all of those things and that it was a “joke.”

“Well, I told him that we don’t 'joke' like that here,” the boss told me, as if the matter was finished. 

“He’s just someone we all deal with, best to not let him think that you think these things are funny.”

!!!!!!!!!

My mouth dropped.

TWO TOOLBAGS!

It was the absolute worst job I ever had, and it had nothing to do with the actual work. 

No wonder they couldn't find quality employees! They had a creep on the payroll.

I quit a short time later, and haven’t heard from either person since (maybe because I turned off my Bluetooth.)

UGH. 

The silver lining, though, is that now employers think I’m really comprehensive when they ask me if I have any questions during a job interview.

Tell me about your IT department...

Also...where are your brooms located?

-Jenny

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I didn’t think guys had any standards stipulations for dating, ever, until my friend Samantha told me that a guy on a first date told her that “he didn’t want to have any physical intimacy” for 90 days.

90 days!

Like a deadline.

Oh and that includes kissing/making out.

Uhhhhhhh

I know, I know. 

That’s pretty ballsy.

LOL

Samantha was notably concerned about this rule.

If this was a religious statement of purity, then the relationship DEFINIETLY wouldn’t work.

Samantha and Louis met through a mutual friend and that friend didn’t mention anything about religion. 

Only that he was successful and cute. And a bit older, like 40.

She asked him his reason.

“I’ve started relationships with sex before and it’s gotten me nowhere,” Louis said, on their date. “And I really want to find ‘the one’ so then next time I am intimate with someone, it’s going to be with the person I’m going to be with forever.”

GULP.

NO PRESSURE!!!

Samantha responded to his stipulation with a stipulation:

“Well, I’m going to have to know that the person I’m going to marry is good in bed, so….”

LOL

“Do you want a list of references?” Louis asked.

UGH

That’s pretty ballsy.

Because Samantha was also ready to settle down and was having a hard time finding a single, cute, successful guy to date, she found Louis and his weird rule intriguing. 

So she agreed to a second date.

This then started a long and somewhat deep emotional relationship where they’d talk on the phone for over an hour each night before bed, see each other every free evening, text all day.

They got along, they had the same interests and aspirations and clicked on all levels. 

Louis was seemingly in it to win it (at least with his abstinence.)

But Samantha was frustrated that he’d put his arm around her and be flirty but they had YET to even peck after date FIVE. 

This was getting really weird, Louis.

Does 90 HOURS of talking on the phone count?

Plus, Samantha was getting really antsy in the pantsy area. 

LOL

Almost two months after their first date, Samantha flew to New York for work.

She and Louis still talked every night, even when she was at her hotel room. Even Saturday night for a few minutes, while he was hosting a dinner party.

“Wish you were here!” he told her.

On Sunday morning, Louis texted her about his plans for the day “maybe some brunch,” asking about her flight details.

She then got a text from her girl friend with something concerning.

“Check Louis’ Facebook page. I don’t think you’ll like it”

??????????

Samantha saw him tagged in several photos from his house party with him CANOODLING with a very pretty blonde at his house.

ughhhh

They were smushed together on his overstuffed chair, his arm around her, smiling nose-to-nose, PHYSICALLY CLOSER TO HER THAN HE HAD EVER BEEN WITH SAMANTHA.

UHHHHHH

He and Samantha had talked during the party. 

Did he call her when this other chick went to the bathroom?? 

That’s pretty ballsy.

Also: LOL 40-year-olds don’t know what tagging on Facebook means.

She ignored his texts and THEN SHE SAW A PICTURE OF HIM TAGGED AT BRUNCH WITH THE SAME CHICK.

The next morning.

It was a complete WTF.

“Are you…dating other people?” was Samantha’s first line to him when she got back into town.

“Well…kind of,” Louis said.

Samantha laid into him about how disappointing that was, asked him when did he have time to start seeing someone else with their 10 hours of phone calls a day????....And what, she goes out of town for one weekend and he suddenly has some other girl all ready to come over??

“OK OK FINE…” Louis said. “The truth is, I’m a recovering sex addict and I need female attention and I got really bored when you were out of town.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>bomb<<<<<

????????????????

THEN: "...but YOU'RE the person I really want to be with and when we sleep together I really do want it to be special."

UHHHHHHHHH

LOL
LOL
LOL

>>click<<<

Knee him in the balls(y).

-Jenny

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

After months of applying and waiting and proving she's a responsible adult and signing her name 5,000 times, my friend Aimee got approved for a loan to buy a house.

Her real estate agent, a cute, but married, guy named Hank, called her to tell her the good news.

Aimee and Hank had been in constant communication every day about the home buying and had developed a friendly relationship.

“We have to celebrate!” Hank texted her the day the news came in. 

“Meet me and my wife for drinks at the Pelican Bar after work tonight!”

Uhhhhh…

She wondered: Is it normally cool for married guys to buy a congratulatory drink for their hot, single lady clients on a Tuesday night?

The Pelican Bar was nowhere near where Aimee lived (or where she was about to live), but it was a bar she and Hank bonded over because even though it’s dingy and a hole in the wall, they both liked it.

Aimee had never met Hank's wife before, and hoped it wouldn’t be awkward.

LOL (foreshowing.)

Aimee assumed that since he invited his wife, it must be fine. She told herself she would even order a glass of champagne to celebrate the milestone.

But, when she got to the Pelican Bar, Hank was alone at the bar.

The bar. 

Not a three-person table.

“Cheers!” Hank said when he saw Aimee walk in the door. 

“Thanks,” Aimee said settling in. She figured his wife must still be on her way. It was the start of happy hour; she had just come from work herself.

An hour and three drinks later, Hank’s wife still didn’t show up. Aimee was having such a good time chatting with Hank, she didn’t think twice about it.

…Until his wife showed up.

OMG

“She came barreling into the bar making a huge scene,” Aimee recalls.

??????????????

Why would she make a scene when she was invited?

LOL

She came up to Hank, pointed at him and screamed, “I KNEW YOU’D BE HERE! “I KNEW you’d be here having drinks with a woman!” 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG

Mortifying.

Obviously Hank’s “invitation” for his wife to join them was not received.

Or mailed.

Aimee tried to pipe in with, “Wait, no….he’s my realtor…” in response to her, “I’M HIS WIFE!!!”

OMG.

Hank got up and quickly escorted his wife outside.

…Leaving Aimee to stare wide-eyed at the bartender and the rest of the Pelican Bar patrons.

“What the hell?” Aimee asked Hank when he returned to the bar, alone.

What did he do with his wife???

“God, she just overreacts all the time,” Hank said. “She’s so dramatic!”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT!!?!?!

People were still staring.

Aimee tried to make sense of the situation because she still had hope that he was innocent.

“Wait… why was she so confused about you being here? You said you invited her!” Aimee pointed out.

Hank waved the thought away as if it was meaningless and not a central and important fucking point.

“She just likes to overreact,” he said.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

NO ONE IS BUYING THAT HOUSE STORY, HANK.

But Aimee pressed on.

“But wait….how did she ‘know’ you would be here? Do you come here a lot after work without telling her?”

Hank kept deflecting Aimee’s questions.

And then he asked her if she wanted another drink.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL

Creep.

Aimee told him no thanks and then excused herself from the bar.

Unlike her home loan, Hank’s story just didn’t add up.

These realtors never tell you about these unforeseen closing costs!!!!

LOL

Let’s just hope they get divorced, and his wife gets their house.

-Jenny

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I have no idea what the proper mourning is after breaking up with someone after six years together. And an engagement. 

But I’m pretty sure that you’re a douchebag if TWO WEEKS after you and your fiancée decide to end things, you book a trip across the world with your female co-worker. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But this was exactly what Ryan, who was engaged to my friend Kathy, did. 

It’s not like Kathy was a horrible person who cheated on him and this was some "revenge" trip. 

They had just been fighting for a while and decided the last fight was the last straw. 

And while Kathy was sad and crying, moving her things out of his place, Ryan decided the best idea was to get busy making plans for a trip with a female co-worker. 

And he brought it to whole ‘nother shitty level: the flight he booked was to the location where he and Kathy got engaged. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL 

REALLY DUDE??!??!?? 

There really is no comforting someone whose ex is that inconsiderate.

Let’s ask the obvious question: How long exactly HAD he and his co-worker been secretly horny for each other??? 

Ugh

Newsflash: Engaged guys don’t usually have another chick ready to travel around the world with them two weeks after they break up with their fiancée.

Of course, Ryan hadn’t told Kathy about his travel plans. 

But this new chick (who apparently isn’t very considerate herself) decided to tag Ryan in her PUBLIC Facebook status with her flight itinerary“feeling EXCITED!—WITH RYAN!” 

For all of their Facebook friends to see.

How MORTIFYING! 

Kathy was so horrified, she hacked into Ryan’s account and changed his “relationship status” from engaged to widowed (LOL). 

Hahahahaha 

...And then she may or may not have posted a status update as him announcing what a tool he was. 

Of course Ryan called her “crazy” when he found out what she had done. 

Because that’s what assholes do when they book a flight to another hemisphere with another girl, and pretend like it shouldn’t piss off their ex-fiancée

HEY, RYAN: NO GIRL IN THE WORLD WOULD BE OK WITH THEIR EX GOING ON A TRIP TO THEIR ENGAGEMENT LOCATION WITH ANOTHER GIRL, TWO WEEKS AFTER THEY BREAK UP. 

RIGHT!?!?!? 

AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS???!!?? 

WHAT UNIVERSE IS THIS?

He’s LUCKY the worst that happened was that she made a Facebook status update about it. 

HE’S LUCKY SHE DIDN’T CALL TSA AND REPORT HIM AS A TERROR THREAT! 

It would be fitting you know...

She did after all, dodge a bullet. 

-Jenny

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There are some things in life that just sound way better than they actually are, like ordering coconut shrimp off a menu or buying a haircut through Groupon.

...It's the same thing as when you make a sex tape.

LOL

Because a sex tape may sound like all fun and games, but, like coconut shrimp, you’ll be all like, “yea...that wasn’t a good idea” once it’s in front of your face.

No wait, let me amend that: When it’s in front of someone else’s face.

I have heard three instances of my friends making sex videos with their boyfriends only to have the guys threaten to release said videos post-breakup.

WAY TO RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD TIME, GUYS.

The most recent case was the pickle (pun intended) my friend Jane found herself in with her loser boyfriend Paul.

Jane and Paul dated on and off for almost a year and decided to have some taped, X-rated fun. 


Paul seemed relatively normal, but when they broke up, Paul turned completely crazy.

They broke up for valid and mutual reasons, just fighting a lot, not being on the same life page, etc. etc. so Paul really had no reason to be spiteful or hateful.

But once Jane got a new boyfriend, Paul brought out the porn.

LOL

Right after Jane announced on social media that she was dating someone new and super happy about it, Paul started angry texting her.

Not angry texting like the classic curse words, but angry texting her links to amateur porn sites.

?????????

“Then he tells me that soon I’ll be famous,” Jane recalls.

“I. was. ill.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She called him in a tizzy asking him WTF and he responded all sinister saying, “The videos will be there soon enough and to keep an eye out.”

OMG.

“I stayed up all through the night - checking these sites - just absolutely mortified - truly - truly mortified,” she said.

The next day, Jane drove over to Paul's house to confront him face to face, as she describes, “to tell him what an effed up individual he was, and to make sure he wasn’t that sick of a pervert.”

But that, too, turned out to be a regrettable decision, since Paul didn’t let her see his computer or phone to prove he had the video or not.

Paul then accused her of coming over because she still wanted to be with him.

WTF.

Realizing she was getting nowhere, Jane decided to forget the whole thing and move on with her life. 

But when she texted her new boyfriend about hanging out later, he told her it was over between them, out of the blue.

“What?” Why?”

HAD HE SEEN THE SEX VIDEO?

WAS IT RELEASED???

Jane hadn’t told her new boyfriend about the sex video drama, and hoped she never would have to.

“Were you at your ex-boyfriend’s house just now?” he asked.

“Ummmm…” Jane said.

WAS HE FOLLOWING HER???

The new boyfriend told her that….OMG….no, PAUL had just messaged him on Facebook—someone he had never met—about how Jane had been at his house all afternoon because she was begging him to take her back.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY??!?!?

HOW DID THAT VISIT GO AGAIN, PAUL???

What a fucking psycho.

Jane didn’t know what to say.

“How could I tell him, ‘BUT I WAS ONLY THERE TO SAVE MY NUDES!!!!’ (Ed note: LOL) without coming off as crazy??” she asks.

She feebly tried to tell him that Paul was a liar and that she just had to “take care of something,” but apparently Paul was very convincing about her wanting to take him back.

UGH.

If only Jane had made the bad decision to get a haircut from Groupon instead of make a sex tape.

Because those bangs will eventually grow up out.

-Jenny

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

People submit Toolbag Tuesday stories to me pretty frequently and I laugh my ass off (just in case you were wondering...not all 285 posts are just about me...) 

But sometimes, these stories are funnier when you break it down into one sentence, rather than a full-on post. 

(Errrr...it's also easier to copy and paste when you're busy with other stuff...)

So today I give you a compilation!
Toolbag Tuesday condensed! Each one I got a chuckle out of....

- We finalized our divorce on the 17th, he was remarried by the 28th.

- I had just bought him dinner, bought him this amazing cat tree thing for his cats and offered to help with some of the vet bills because he doesn't make a lot of money. And the following day he said I was "being selfish" because I wanted to spend time with him when "I knew he had to practice for his music gig." LOL (Ed note: don't worry, girl, the cats know you're not selfish!!)

- The guy I was hooking up with went out of the country for several months and left me his fish to take care of, forwarded his mail to me and gave me some other things to keep safe. Then one day I sent him a sexy picture and he asked me not to do that anymore because his girlfriend wouldn’t think it was appropriate.

- …When he came back, he actually tried to get sympathy because his girlfriend had cheated on him while he was travelling.

- This guy I was sleeping with had talked about doing a movie and dinner. The day came and I didn’t hear from him until 20 minutes before the movie was supposed to start. I told him I didn’t think we had time for the movie, and did he want to just get dinner. He flipped out on me and started yelling saying, “what do you think this is, a date? Next thing you’re going to say is you have feelings for me!”

- He brought a date to a Superbowl party with all our friends the day after we had sex.

- I asked my boyfriend if he needed help moving out of his apartment and he gave me the task of snaking his bathtub drain which had a ton of long, obviously girl hair in it that wasn't mine and asked me to pack up a drawer where he kept mementos of all of his past relationships.

-The guys I've written about on this blog who said they're going to sue me. 

LOL

-Jenny

Send me your Toolbag stories!!! 
JennyJenny504@gmail.com

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