Friday, February 21, 2014

That time I won the Olympics

Spoiler alert: I won the team GOLD MEDAL at this year’s Winter Olympics.


(No, I did not eat the medal like a McDonald’s chicken nugget.)

I know, I know, you’re tired of hearing/watching/reading about the Olympics. 

As my twin sister, Joy, pointed out last night: “We’ve been watching this for a month.”

Also, she’s “over” ice skating. Haha

But back to MY medal. Sorry, the TEAM medal – Joy included.

This is the second time Joy and I have competed in the Winter Olympics, a hilarious party thrown every four years by friends who know the importance of athleticism and drinking.

At our Winter Olympic debut in 2010, we dressed as Swedish meatballs representing the motherland, which gave us zero competitive edge and we ended up in 10th place.

This year, the rules were slightly different. The Olympic Games party was combined with a birthday party for one of the organizers and held at a dive bar rather than a backyard.

In addition to athletic events, we needed to come up with a county name, flag and cheer that incorporated the birthday girl’s name and interests.

Which was pretty easy because her last name is Pew. Do you know how many things rhyme with Pew? (Uh…two.) Ha

Do you know how many dirty slang phrases can be made using PEW?

It made for a pretty funny opening ceremony. (Helped by the fact that there were craft supplies and cut-outs of the birthday girl’s face to put on the "flags.")

The islands of "Puff Puff Pew" took first for creativity/extracurricular activities.

OUR TEAM representing the country of Pew-topia. Official team motto:"Pew in the pink..."

While everyone was busy making their signs and fueling up on ORANGE GATORADE DAQUIRIS (!!!!!!!!) (for the electrolytes...duh) the first athletic event began. 

A jumprope competition.


Now, I don’t know if you know this because I’M WAY MODEST, but I’m a world champion jumproper. 

Really!!! The 1994 World Invitational jump rope skipping championship in Seattle, Washington. 


Yes, this actually happened. And jumping rope is like riding a bike. (well...figuratively.)

So, when the competition was to see who among the teams can jump the most number of times in a minute, I smiled big, took a shot of liquor and WON THAT SHIT THREE TIMES OVER.

I highly recommend putting yourself in a (positive) situation where people’s jaws drop. It makes you feel pretty badass.

And if it weren’t for my stupid non-sports bra falling down, down, down…OH GODdown with every jump, I would have pushed up it even more. 

Dammit BRA!!! Ruining the Olympics since 2014.

My final result was 153 revolutions in 60 seconds. Which, ahem math majors, is more than two jumps a second, for a minute straight. RAWR.

(Then I did another shot of liquor.)

My feat  feet were so impressive that the remaining countries’ athletes didn’t even attempt to beat that number (the team before me had an admirable 45-50 revolutions per minute).

Country “Puff Puff Pew” during their turn with the rope laid the rope on the ground and all four teammates jumped to the right and left of it as a joke.

Even though they forfeited, the referee announced that their jumps combined still weren't enough to beat my score. Ha. RAWR.

So we got a point for Pew-topia.

This trivia was centered around the birthday girl, like what country her dogs were bred, for example, how long is the Inca trail to Machu Picchu (which she hiked with the swine flu several years ago) and what percentage of pineapples are exported from Hawaii, her honeymoon destination.

We tied for first place, because a conditioned athlete on our team knew that the birthday girl once had sex in a deer stand.



The next event was hula hooping, in which Team Pew-topia failed miserably. Nothing to report. A Swedish meatball would have done better.

Then came the group cheer, also worth a point. 

Each country had to perform their special routine and add flair as needed. 

We won that one too, helped by a fellow countryman’s ACTUAL SPLIT and my attempt at twerking. 

(Also our Charlie’s Angels-style finish with guns that made a “PEW PEW PEW!” sound.)

It was close, but team Pew-topia won the 2014 Olympic Games and we graciously accepted our mini-bottles of Fireball.

And twerked some more.

the judges' final scores

WINNERS!!! Why yes that IS a picture of Kip from Napoleon Dynamite and "I'm Training to be a Cage Fighter" on my shirt.

What a comeback from 2010!!!!

After four long years of waiting for the glory, it finally arrived in the form of priceless Big Bird medals, and we took a bow in front of all the other worthy countries except the county of Puff Puff Pew, because they were out back doing something. 


So, no need to keep watching the winter Olympics on TV!

The winners have already been crowned!!!

I’m currently accepting sponsorships.  Either from Jump Rope for Heart, or Victoria’s Secret.


The Olympics are delicious!!! 


(Training now for 2018.)


No comments:

Post a Comment

You might like...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...