Wednesday, September 7, 2011

My fantasy

If there was a fantasy league for women’s gymnastics, I’m sure a lot of guys would pick gymnasts based on their looks.

(At least the guys who don’t follow stats for how often they stick their landings would.)

You might not know anything about the sport, but at least you could make it fun.
Uneven bar specialist? I dunno. I'll pick her. She’s hot.”

This is the method I used for picking my fantasy football team: Players based on who I thought were the most attractive. (I don't care about stats or what a tight end does. Or who was spotted on an "anti gravity" treadmill.)

Here’s how it works:

1.) Go to and ignore all the distracting icons and put “fantasy football cheat sheet” into the search engine bar.

2.) Click on the first link that comes up.

3.) On that page, look all the way to the right and click on “Top 300” link.

4.) Start with player No. 1 and click on each name in blue to see their head shots. When you find a player that you would totally make out with at a bar, pick them. If you would NOT make out with them at a bar, move down the list, completely ignoring their rankings.

5.) Repeat step 4 until everyone has picked players.

6.) Rake in your winnings.


So, here is my fantasy team. Literally! Ahahaha. Good-looking, NOT AFRAID TO SMILE IN A PHOTO and each earning a billion dollars a year.*

Drew Brees – Quarterback

Look at those nice white teeth! Those friendly eyes!! Also, he can walk on water.

C.J. Spiller - Running back
I'd pinch those cheeks and press my palms against that jawline all day.

Fred Jackson – Wide receiver

Mmmm. Another nice jawline. And what tasteful facial hair you have!

Larry Fitzgerald – Wide receiver

AWWWW Look how happy he looks!!! I can just imagine how cute he would be in person, laughing at all my hilarious jokes. And there’s nothing wrong with a man who can rock the jewelry.

Calvin Johnson – Wide receiver

He looks a little naughty in this photo, no? I'm certainly not one to complain about frisky.

Lance Moore – Wide receiver

Moore is more!!! At least that’s what it says on dem black and gold T-shirts. He’s adorable. Also, I overheard a waitress say he was the most attractive person she’d ever seen in real life. So...jealously points. Score.

Owen Daniels – Tight end

Doesn’t he look like the cutest high school history teacher ever?? I can see him in khaki pants and a distressed leather belt. I wonder if he has a sexy pair of glasses he can try on for bed.

Mason Crosby – kicker

To be honest, none of the kickers really did it for me. And this guy does have a Teen Wolf thing going on...but regardless...I want our baby to have his eyes.

Chad Ochocinco – Wide receiver

Google him. Shirtless.

Sam Bradford – Quarterback

Look how innocent!!! The cutest eighth grader ever!!! With great hair!!! Awww, Sam, let's get carded at R rated movies together.

Ben Tate – Running back

He looks chill. He doesn’t have a steroid face. He actually has quite a symmetrical face, if you stare at him…for hours.

Ronnie Brown – Running back

He looks sweet, like he'd keep a secret and write poetry. (He is also a sub for Rashad Jennings, who was my original pick but got injured. I learned how to trade.)

Jacoby Ford – Wide receiver

“The other Reggie Bush” a.k.a the guy who looks a lot like him, only not a pansy.

Chris Cooley – Tight end

Ahhhh! The frat boy I never dated! With blue eyes!!


I did pretty good, huh? They’re all tight ends in my book!!! Ahahaha
(Sorry, bad Cathy comic joke. Yes, Cathy comic. ACK!)


After showing my fantasy picks to my football fanatic friends, I’ve been told I made some critical mistakes (despite the fact that it's the best-looking team in the draft).

Most notably, the fact that I picked "shitty" running backs.

(It’s not MY fault that wide receivers in this league are a better-looking group!!!)

Also, people say it’s not a good idea to have two running backs from the same team on a fantasy team.

I tried to defend my picks: “But if you have two of the same players, than that means at least one of them is definitely getting the ball!”


The truth is, I didn't even notice they were on the same team, let alone held the same position when I picked them.

Basically, I'm making a mockery of the sport.

No matter!!! Let’s get this show on the road!!!

I want big plays!! Touchdown dances!!!

Take your helmet off and wink at the camera as often as possible!!!!

Game on.


*If by chance you are one of these players reading this, CALL ME! I promise I won’t write about you in a Toolbag Tuesday.


  1. I actually told my roommate to do that exact thing last night! She decided to pick by cities/states that she liked. Not nearly as pleasing to the eye. :-(

  2. ummm....where oh where is shockey?

  3. Garrett Hartley doesn't do it for you???

  4. Calvin Johnson is...well he's a God.

    On the other hand, Mark Sanchez is a more attractive QB in my opinion, but Drew Brees is a great guy. I'd probably throw a Cam Newton (yummy young one), Tim Tebow, Colt Mccoy, Aaron Rodgers or cocky ass Tom Brady in there too...I must have a thing for QBs.

    Also, Percy Harvin, Braylon Edwards, Adrian Peterson (even though he looks a little doofy), Brandon Marshall, Mark Ingram (because he cried when he won the Heisman), LT, Dustin Keller, and Jason Snelling.

    God I love football, seriously. SERIOUSLY.

  5. This has to be the best approach to a Fantasy Draft that I have EVER seen. Kudos.

  6. CJ Spiller is a real sweetheart! My friend Kat was at the pool with her kids in Upstate SC and they spotted him(used to play for Clemson) and they ran over to him, were all over him, and he took bunches of pics with her kids!xxoo Great Pick!


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