TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Maybe it’s my fault.
Maybe I shouldn’t live with such attractive roommates.

Maybe if I lived with ugly people then a guy I was interested in wouldn’t come over and think he’s a kid at a freaking candy store, acting like can choose or something.

HELLO! This isn’t an eenie-meeny-miney-moe situation.

What kills me the most about guys hitting on the roommate of the girl they’re supposed to be interested in is that she’s DEFINITELY telling her roommate about you, dumbass.

It’s not like you’re some sexy stranger who happens to be sitting at the same table at a bar. She’s already heard about you, knows your name and probably knows what you look like naked.

HA!

Even if it’s not a serious relationship, it’s not very nice to hit on someone you’re “into”’s roommate, especially if you have spent the night at the apartment already. A week before.

So was the case with me and Sam, and it wasn’t even THAT serious.

He and I did hang out very late one night and had been texting about doing it again.

He was cute, good on paper, and (like most toolbags) seemed very sweet.

We both planned to be at a bar for someone’s birthday and I invited my roommate. I casually pointed him out to her when she got there, SEEING AS I TOLD HER ABOUT HIM, and we both agreed that he was cute but we played it cool and mingled with everyone in attendance.

I then made the grave mistake of walking a separate friend back to her apartment a few blocks away and told Sam to “talk to my roommate” while I was gone.
It would be no more than 15 minutes, I promised.

When I came back, my roommate pulled me aside.

“Let’s go to the bathroom together,” she said, looking serious.

Once we got away from the crowd, she broke the news.

“OK, Sam is an asshole,” she said.

“What?”

“He just asked me if I wanted to MAKE OUT WITH HIM, and asked me to go to another bar with him, just the two of us.”

“WHAT!? AND LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF??”

“WHAT!?” I immediately said to Sam when we got out of the bathroom. “You just hit on my roommate?” (She ran to the other side of the bar.)

“No way,” Sam said. “I just said that it was really crowded and maybe we could all go somewhere else.”

I was drunk at that point, (uh maybe my fault) and Sam was so convincing that it was all a “misunderstanding,” that I sort of forgave him.

We were all drinking, who knows what kinds of things could have been taken out of context?

(By the way, I really need to stop giving guys the benefit of the doubt.)

The next day, Sam tried to turn the tables.

“Man, you were so mad at me last night!” he said.

“Yea, well, you hit on my roommate,” I said, which is as specific as I could remember.

“Look, all I said was that maybe we should go somewhere more quiet. I mean, you were talking to all these other people and leaving the bar to walk your friend home and I just wanted to go somewhere where it wasn’t so crowded.”

“Well, that’s not what she told me in the bathroom,” is all I could say, noting that his tone made it sound as if I had done something wrong, like neglected him or something.

Later that day, I consulted my roommate about what happened. While sober.

“OH MY GOD HE SAID HE WANTED TO MAKE OUT,” she said, as the words from the bathroom the night before suddenly came flooding back to me. “HOW IS THAT A MISUNDERSTANDING?” she asked.

We agreed. It wasn’t.

“TOOLBAG!!!” we declared, and I cut off contact with Sam completely.

The next time I saw him, about a week later, he asked me if I was mad at him.

“I’m not mad,” I said with a sour tone. It wasn’t like we had been anything other than glorified makeout buddies.
“I just don’t like to be embarrassed like that,” I said.

“This was all just a big misunderstanding,” he said.

“Sam, you asked her to MAKE OUT with you!” I said, more sternly.

“OK, look,” he said angrily. “I just have a lot going on in my life right now, and I just…”

(Um, was he “breaking up” with me??)

“Whatever,” I said and began to walk away.

“Wait!” he pleaded. “I don’t want you to think I’m that kind of guy!”

I didn't turn around.

Uhhhh of course he’s that kind of guy. Which is why neither me nor my rooomate will be speaking to him ever again.

NO CANDY FOR YOU. SHOP’S CLOSED.

-Jenny