Tuesday, August 23, 2011

That time I compared applying for jobs to dating

My twin sister, Joy, has this theory that everyone our age (20-30) is going to be diagnosed with severe anger issues because of today’s job market.

I think she has a point. Applying for jobs in 2011 is like being in a relationship with someone who continues to play the sh*t out of you.

I mean, I’m not looking for perfection here people!!!
I don’t expect to find the job equivalent of say, Matthew McConaughey. Or David Beckham.

All I want is something decent (with benefits)!!! And something that I’m not embarrassed to introduce to my parents.

Remember that guy who shot all these women in a gym in Pennsylvania because he was bitter none of them would give him the time of day??

Could that mentality also apply to the unemployment office?? (Just kidding big brother. Don’t put me on a watch list.)

The sad thing about job hunting in today’s economy is that the whole thing is a big tease.
All these attractive companies post these so-called “open positions” and make you spend an hour primping your resume and impressing them with your cover letter.

And so you throw yourself out there, get butterflies in your stomach when you hit “SEND” and wait impatiently, checking your phone and voicemail every hour to see if you’re going to get a face-to-face date.

It always starts out with so much hope and enthusiasm, resumes being sent with such confidence, visions of seeing yourself at a particular job dancing in your head.

But, like my last major relationship, applying for a job in today’s market usually ends up being a massive disappointment.
And a kick to the ego.

It’s because none of them ever bother to even call you back. Not even to tell you they’re not interested.

What am I? Cold potatoes?

Not good enough to work at your museum that’s only open three days a week? I HAVE JOURNALISM AWARDS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

Uh...for example.

It’s incredibly frustrating. Because didn’t it used to be that if you were a college graduate and had work experience (and, ahem, several journalism writing awards) then you’d at least have a chance at an interview?

After two weeks of not hearing from people you’re interested in, you start to get depressed and desperate.

You lose confidence in your skills and start applying for jobs halfheartedly, do dumb things like TURN YOUR RESUME INTO A PIE CHART SO PEOPLE WILL NOTICE YOU.

(By the way, still nothing. Not even a “nice pie chart” email.)

Comparatively, it’s like if you made a Match.com profile and find out that no one viewed it or even “winked” at you. After a whole month. (FML.)

And while you’re waiting for your dream man job to rescue you from your un-productive rut of sleeping till noon and eating string cheese on the couch in your underwear, you’re again teased with another relationship called the unemployment office.

Unemployment is more unreliable than your dumb ex-boyfriend.
They say they’ll love you pay you and they don’t.

You have to wait 40 minutes to talk to someone, and that person never says what the other person said two days before and they can’t seem to understand why you’re so frustrated.


After a few weeks of getting ignored, I broke down and asked for help.

I CAN’T DO THIS BY MYSELF, I declared. I’m picking the wrong men jobs! I’m choosing places that don’t appreciate me!
(This is why people sign up for EHarmony).

So I emailed my resume to a temp agency, along with friends, family, old co-workers.

“Please pass this along!” I said. “I need something to DO!” (that’s what she said).

But then, one day, as I sulked on the couch in my underwear eating string cheese, my mom called to say a colleague looked over my (non-pie-chart version) resume and wants to talk face-to face.


So that’s how after five weeks of sulking, I got a job doing marketing and scheduling for an adorable non-profit organization that puts artists in schools to help them better understand their subjects.

(I mean, if my school used pottery to help me learn math, maybe I’d know how to do fractions.)

I’m now in my second week of my new (work) relationship, and like any new relationship, I again need to figure out my job expectations, my co-workers…and find out what the dress code is for Saints games.

Sure I’m nervous, but as things get more comfortable on both ends (and a paycheck is deposited) I’m going to appreciate this new relationship more and more.

It’s not David Beckham perfect, but I can’t complain about having roped in a steady, reliable sensitive artist who likes kids.



P.S. I am also freelancing and….BIG NEWS…starting my own NEWS WEBSITE, which I will market and shove down your throats ad naseum when it’s ready. Entrepreneurs unite!!! It will also be the new home for Toolbag Tuesday.

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations! This gives me hope, as I will be searching for the same in two weeks. Good luck with the news website... I'll read it.


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