Thursday, March 25, 2010

Jackholes and wet hens

I’m a big fan of good quotes.

I’m not talking about movie quotes, motivational quotes or even Mitch Hedberg quotes (although, Mitch Hedberg quotes never get old).

I’m talking about standout quotes from everyday people who are mad about something, happy about something or just talking about life.

It’s the newspaper reporter in me; I hear a good quote and my ears perk up. My hand starts scribbling down every word as if its got a mind of its own. The more bizarre a quote, the happier I get.

Take this one woman, who called our office because she wanted to organize a city-wide “prayer day” to pray for all the people who are in jail.
“Can you put something in the paper about it??” she asked.
I had a few questions.
“They may be locked in, but they’re not locked out from God’s love!” she exclaimed.
Then she hung up.

This week, I spoke with the sheriff of the small town where I work, about dancers at a club showing too much skin. You may remember I went undercover to check out the bar myself and found it terribly raunchy.

The old, Southern sheriff was giving me general quotes about what his undercover officers saw when they went in the bar, but nothing the sheriff said was very interesting.

“In my opinion, it was stripping,” he said.

“They were naked?” I asked.

“No, but their panty lines were really low, especially in the back.”

“Low? Like really low? How low would you say?” I asked.

“One girl had panties down below her butt cheeks and the crack of her backside was showing!”
He paused.
“Great, that’ll do it,” I said.

Hearing the sheriff say the words cheeks, crack and backside was just one of many *gems* I’ve heard over the years.
I follow a basic rule of thumb: If it makes me laugh, it’s getting printed.

Several years ago, I had to cover a meeting where a group of residents were mad that they couldn’t take their dogs out on the beach without a leash anymore.
The month before, a dog (who nobody claimed) had bitten a tourist and the council enforced a strict “leash only” policy.

One openly gay man led the fight for “leash-off” time, and he served as a spokesperson for the group.

“Look!” he said to the council. A slight flick of the wrist. “We just want to play with our pooches! (Although, with his fluctuation, it sounded like "pew-chiz”)
“Is there something wrong with wanting to throw the ball around with our pew-chiz??” he exclaimed.

He wore shorts and loafers with no socks. The council settled on leash off time from 5-7 p.m. on weekdays.

I covered a beach town for several years, and wrote about a neighborhood bar that started a game called the “Crabby 500.” It pitted hermit crabs against other hermit crabs to see which one could get to the edge of the table first.

A council member was playing the game one night, and I asked him to weigh in.
“As a single guy, I would recommend the crabby 500 as a great first date,” he said.
Oh yea? Why's that? I asked.
“Because It’s very socially active.”
His quote was helped by the fact that he was short with a high-pitched voice like a cartoon character.

I’m just scratching the surface here. I hear new quotes everyday. I wish I could record them and put them all together in a montage. Here are a few I remember, all said by old men at council meetings:

“I’m as mad as a wet hen!” (Are wet hens mad? Really?)

“This is Malarkey! Malarkey I tell you!”

“Lend me your ear.” (This was seriously used in a sentence.)

Jackhole!” (Jackass and asshole combined? Or did he say “Jackel?” I can never tell with these accents.)

“Now look who’s wagging the dog’s tail!”

“You’re all just a bunch of birdbrains!” (Pretty sure this insult was used in a Full House episode once)

“I never met a hog I didn’t like.” (A judge in a BBQ competition)

“Oh, look at Captain Underpants over here!!” (The name given to an unpopular council member. I have no idea what this means.)

Unfortuantely, we can't print all good quotes.
One letter I received made me laugh considerably, although it was a letter in response to an error in our paper (NOBODY’S PERFECT, PEOPLE!!)

The article stated (incorrectly): “The issue arouse when…”
instead of: “The issue arose when...”

I got a handwritten letter in the mail two days after the paper printed, addressed to me in black permanent marker.
Inside was my article, cut out of the newspaper and marked up with a red pen like an English paper.
The offending paragraph was circled and the word “arouse” was underlined with two X’s on either side and the word NO!!!!! scribbled above it.

The accompanying note (and underlined words) said,

“Dear Jenny, I was so aroused when I read your article that I arose from the table to write this letter.
Oh well, as Alexander Pope said, ‘To err is human, to forgive is divine.’”

Thanks. Jackhole.

Just kiddin



  1. I plan to use the word jackhole on a daily basis now!

  2. I'd have written back asking why he stands up to write letters.


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