Wednesday, November 19, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Add this to the ever-crumbling wall of dating standards: guys don't want to take girls out anymore, they just want to come over to a girl’s apartment or vice-versa.

Because that's closer to the bedroom than a bar. Duh.

Ugh.

And guys don’t understand the problem!

(Wait, you don't LOVE going over to strangers' houses alone???!! What??!!)

...like we haven’t seen horror movies or after-school specials.

Seriously.

Also a major problem: guys today don’t know how to read. Text messages.

Exhibit A: from my friend Aimee who sent me these screen shots between her and Sam, a guy she met at a bar one night and he got her number.

(This conversation was over the course of an hour.)


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

Have a nice life





THIS IS WHAT LADIES DEAL WITH!

"not sure what I did to piss you off.”

Hahahahahaha

Like she didn't explain it twice.

Jesus.

"Are you SURE he graduated from college?" I asked Aimee. "Because he can't read. And his reasoning skills are very poor."

I mean....Ur weird...really? for not wanting to come over to a random dude's house?

And who doesn’t know the proper definition of creepy???!?!

(Hint: IT'S GOT YOUR PICTURE NEXT TO IT IN THE DICTIONARY, SAM. Heyoooooo)

Hahahaha

So, yea....that crumbling wall?

Let’s slam Sam into it.

-Jenny

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

First of all, happy Veterans Day to everyone who has ever worn a military uniform. 
Every year, I find it more poignant what military men and women go through and what they sacrifice for their country, and they have my utmost respect. 

Speaking of respect.....

Let’s talk about this complete HORNBALL CREEP my friend Katie went out with a few weeks ago.

Chris was really cute and nice for about four minutes until he grabbed HER ASS and pulled her towards him to try and kiss her.

UGH.

And NO, THEY DID NOT MEET ON TINDER!!!

They actually met in the cutest way possible—at the grocery store. 

It could have been a perfect story for their grandchildren: Katie saw him in produce....she walked over and asked him about radishes...they talked and he got her number.

Happily ever after, right???!!?

UGH.

Katie was so excited to meet Chris at this cozy little wine bar a few days later on a cold Saturday night and was pleasantly surprised to find he was as good-looking as he was standing among the organic fruit. 

She sat next to him and ordered a glass of wine and FOUR MINUTES LATER, right as they started chatting about real things like jobs and where they were each from, Chris started getting hands-y.

Katie said he put his HAND ON HER ASS to move her body and her chair closer to him and kept side-hugging her.

“Ummm...ok let’s slow down,” Katie said, as she pulled away.

Then he tried to make out with her.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEWSFLASH: A girl does not want to make out with you after meeting you for 30 seconds. 

She can think you’re cute, or be interested in getting to know you more after 30 seconds, but she’s not interested in making out.

(If she is interested in making out with you after 30 seconds, she’s drunk.)

Katie was not drunk. Barely four sips into her wine and she was growing more and more disappointed in what she thought would be a nice connection with a cute guy who shops organic.

She kept pulling away from him, trying to get the message across, but another NEWSFLASH: Hornball creeps don't get messages.

She kept bringing the conversation back to non-sexualized territory...oh, you’re from Connecticut? but it always came back to his hand on her ASS. 

And he just parked it there!! His hand resting on her ass.

(I envision the cringe-worthy couples who would put their hands in each other’s back pockets from the 80s).

How awkward

Katie said that any conversation was completely USELESS when she realized this 31-YEAR-OLD GUY couldn’t keep his hands off of her, like he’s been in prison for the past ten years or something. 

And she said he wasn’t even drunk!

How disrespectful!
Did he do this with everyone???

...Because she gave him zero indication that she was interested in that type of behavior. 

She was wearing long sleeves for crying out loud.

That’s when she said Chris gave her yet ANOTHER random side-hug but this time his hand found its way to her left boob instead of her waist. 

HE GRABBED HER BOOB!!!!

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Katie yelled pushing him off immediately and fixing her shirt. “You can’t just GRAB MY BOOBS!”

“But they’re so...big!” Chris said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He didn't even try and deny it!!

“THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN GRAB THEM!” Katie shouted. “THAT’S ASSAULT!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH

WHO DOES THAT??? 

Was he a high school guy at prom?!?!? 

He was 31 years old!!!

The cops could very well have been called.

Katie told him she was going to leave when Chris—the HORNBALL CREEP WHO DOESN’T GET MESSAGES—actually said....actually said, “Well, do you want to come to my place for a nightcap?”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“NO,” Katie said and she should have left right then, but she waited to make sure Chris was going to pay the tab for her one glass of wine. 

(Was he cheap AND a creep?)

He did pay, but not surprisingly, Katie said Chris asked her 13 more times if she was “sure she didn’t want to come over.”

“I’m not exaggerating, he asked me 13 more times after I initially said no,” Katie recalls.

Chris then asked her, “Why not? Did you have a bad experience going over to some guy’s house?”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...LIKE THAT’S ANY OF HIS BUSINESS.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGGGHHHHHHHH

And then: “Please come over. I’m BEGGING YOU at this point,” he said.

BEGGING!!

Riiight, super hard decision. THEY’D KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 35 MINUTES. And he groped her for 31.

It was shocking. 

SHOCKING that Chris was walking around as this seemingly normal guy when he clearly has major problems.

Hornball creep problems.

GRABBING HER BOOB!?!?!

Jesus.

STICK A RADISH UP YOUR ASS, CHRIS!!

Or better yet...stick your...CARROT...into a food processor and put all the ladies out of their misery.

YUCK.

-Jenny

Friday, November 7, 2014

Earth to Jenny

I’m trying to do yoga, but think I’m too cynical for it. It's literally impossible for me to clear my mind and chill out.

I even lit a candle and everything!

In my defense, it’s been a stressful week. I said goodbye to my twin sister, Joy, as she moved out of our house and in with her fiancé on Sunday, I’ve been up all night working on deadlines and I haven’t slept well.

I keep dreaming I’m crashing cars. 

WHO KEEPS GIVING ME CARS TO DRIVE WHEN I KEEP CRASHING THEM? I don’t know. 

But every night, I’m driving another car. And another.

In my dreams, I actually leave the scene of a car crash that I caused only to get into another car and I crash that one, too.

(I may have a budding second career in an arena, the kind where people have to wear protective ear wear.)

ANYWAY.

Yesterday, I decided to do yoga.

It calms you down, people said. You’ll be ‘one with yourself,’ people said.

And since I have a phobia of group exercise classes (and vividly remember the time I was dragged to a yoga class once and someone farted and everyone had to pretend they didn’t hear it and I couldn’t focus on anything else), I did an online yoga video.

The free kind. In my bedroom. By myself.

OM.

Since it was for beginners, the moves were pretty much all stretches, and yes, they felt really, really good, but I couldn’t get over the yogi talk.

The crunchy yogi talk that people parody in Hollywood movies. 

The online instructor was a living, (heavy) breathing stereotype.

Right when I was feeling good about my pretzel-like contortion, she told me that I only have integrity of my body when my heart is over my pelvis and my pelvis is over my feet.

“What?” I thought to myself as the candle began to flicker. When is my heart ever NOT over my pelvis, and over my feet?

(And P.S., I thought integrity of my body was telling a dude on a first date that I WASN'T going to be sleeping at his house...hey-ooooooo.)

The instructor also abandoned the word “ground” for the word “Earth.” For the whole 28 minutes.

Rise up from the Earth. Keep your feet planted on the Earth. Feel the Earth in the four corners of your feet.

I bet she believes in fairies.

I looked down at the Earth my rug, noticed dog hair, and frowned. 

Then I spent the next five minutes thinking about dog hair, whether or not I should cut my own hair and whether or not I should start wearing makeup.

GREAT, NOW I HAVE NO INTEGRITY OF MY BODY, I thought as I bent over and my heart was well below my pelvis. (It is possible!)

After the video was over, I was warm and loose, but only physically. I was unconvinced about my place in the world.

Also...SHOULD I cut my hair????

People the internet says that I should do yoga for a full seven days before deciding if it’s right for me, which I found suspicious because the website I used has a six-day free trial period.

Ha

But last night I didn’t dream about crashing a car! It was a Ford Mercury miracle!

So back to the dog-hair-rug-Earth I go.

Namaste, ya'll.

-Jenny 
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