Earth to Jenny

I’m trying to do yoga, but think I’m too cynical for it. It's literally impossible for me to clear my mind and chill out.

I even lit a candle and everything!

In my defense, it’s been a stressful week. I said goodbye to my twin sister, Joy, as she moved out of our house and in with her fiancé on Sunday, I’ve been up all night working on deadlines and I haven’t slept well.

I keep dreaming I’m crashing cars. 

WHO KEEPS GIVING ME CARS TO DRIVE WHEN I KEEP CRASHING THEM? I don’t know. 

But every night, I’m driving another car. And another.

In my dreams, I actually leave the scene of a car crash that I caused only to get into another car and I crash that one, too.

(I may have a budding second career in an arena, the kind where people have to wear protective ear wear.)

ANYWAY.

Yesterday, I decided to do yoga.

It calms you down, people said. You’ll be ‘one with yourself,’ people said.

And since I have a phobia of group exercise classes (and vividly remember the time I was dragged to a yoga class once and someone farted and everyone had to pretend they didn’t hear it and I couldn’t focus on anything else), I did an online yoga video.

The free kind. In my bedroom. By myself.

OM.

Since it was for beginners, the moves were pretty much all stretches, and yes, they felt really, really good, but I couldn’t get over the yogi talk.

The crunchy yogi talk that people parody in Hollywood movies. 

The online instructor was a living, (heavy) breathing stereotype.

Right when I was feeling good about my pretzel-like contortion, she told me that I only have integrity of my body when my heart is over my pelvis and my pelvis is over my feet.

“What?” I thought to myself as the candle began to flicker. When is my heart ever NOT over my pelvis, and over my feet?

(And P.S., I thought integrity of my body was telling a dude on a first date that I WASN'T going to be sleeping at his house...hey-ooooooo.)

The instructor also abandoned the word “ground” for the word “Earth.” For the whole 28 minutes.

Rise up from the Earth. Keep your feet planted on the Earth. Feel the Earth in the four corners of your feet.

I bet she believes in fairies.

I looked down at the Earth my rug, noticed dog hair, and frowned. 

Then I spent the next five minutes thinking about dog hair, whether or not I should cut my own hair and whether or not I should start wearing makeup.

GREAT, NOW I HAVE NO INTEGRITY OF MY BODY, I thought as I bent over and my heart was well below my pelvis. (It is possible!)

After the video was over, I was warm and loose, but only physically. I was unconvinced about my place in the world.

Also...SHOULD I cut my hair????

People the internet says that I should do yoga for a full seven days before deciding if it’s right for me, which I found suspicious because the website I used has a six-day free trial period.

Ha

But last night I didn’t dream about crashing a car! It was a Ford Mercury miracle!

So back to the dog-hair-rug-Earth I go.

Namaste, ya'll.

-Jenny