Tuesday, January 8, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

What’s the deal with guys sending girls picture text messages of their naked penises??

…TO GIRLS THEY JUST MET??

Don’t they know they’ll never be in a Mr. USA pageant with incriminating evidence like that???

It’s also insulting. Like…what…you think I’m a slut?? Ohhh !!!! A PENIS!!! I’ll come running!!!!

Really, this is becoming an epidemic. Someone tell MTV to start aiming their public service announcements about the embarrassment of sexting nudie shots towards boys, not girls.

I mentioned this before, (and so has Seinfeld): guys don’t have attractive parts. There’s a reason why there aren’t pin-up calendars of dudes with their junk hanging out, all lopsided.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about this dude who sent my friend a picture of his junk after she pretty much dumped him.

“GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMEONE THIS BIG!” he wrote, along with a photo.

His gross factor doubled.

Certainly, there are exceptions to this rule. I imagine a long-distance relationship and/or a frisky Skype session would warrant peen exposure. Perhaps you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) who likes that sort of thing. Great.

But don’t expect someone you JUST MET to be interested. Because more than likely, they will be grossed out, and they will show it to their friends. (MTV was right!!!)

This guy Casey, our second naked picture offender, decided to send a nude picture of himself to my friend Haley, someone he had gone on two dates with who he HADN’T EVEN KISSED.

Right.

They met at a bar and went to dinner and aside from a long, lingering hug, they hadn’t had any romantic contact. Not that Haley didn’t want any. He was cute and a firefighter. Swoon.

The way this SHOULD have played out is when Haley texted him that she’d have to cancel dinner plans because she was terribly sick, he should have brought her some soup or crackers or a Red Box movie rental.

Not texting her: “Really? You don’t want to hook up?”

(Um. No.)

“I have a 100 degree fever,” she replied. She said later that she thought he meant ‘hook up’ like ‘meet up.’

He did not.

Haley got another text from him and looked in horror at the screen of a picture of his lower body, from the neck down, PANTS DOWN reflected in his bathroom mirror with his penis out. (um…shaved. TMI)

“maybe this will make you feel better,” he wrote.

!!!!!
!!!!!

WHAT!!!!

SOUP, CASEY. SOUP.

It was shocking to see the pornography period, especially since she hadn’t even seen him with his shirt off. She didn't even know his last name! Why would the penis of a stranger make her feel better??

It was actually violating to the eyes, which were already swollen and burning as it is.

After a minute she wrote, “Maybe there was some miscommunication.”

Haley expected him to apologize or something. SHE WAS A LADY G-DAMMIT!

She had a terrible medicine head cold and was dizzy and this just made her feel worse, and dirty.

“Well, nevermind then” he wrote back.

!!!!!!!!
NEVERMIND!!!

And that was it. She never heard from him again.

What a dick.

-Jenny 

2 comments:

  1. "naked penis"
    As opposed to one with a little hat?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah men, clearly they have forgotten a thing or two about 'wooing' in the last few decades.

    ReplyDelete

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