TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I think Urban Dictionary is screwing guys up, because they don’t know what “bitch” or “whore” means anymore.

Wait, let me re-phrase. They don’t know when it’s appropriate to call someone those things. 

To be fair, I’d be confused, too, with 337 entries for the word “bitch" on there. 

337 entries!!! (In related news: That apple on the counter is acting like such a bitch.)

Now, I’m not one to condone name-calling to a significant other, but if you’re going to do it, you might as well say something that makes sense, right?? (Ideally something more helpful like ‘selfish’ or ‘discourteous.’) 

Charles, this guy my friend Sophie dated, routinely used the wrong insults when yelling at her. They dated on and off for a year.

Charles was funny and loud, but he drank too much and had a short fuse and when he’d get mad, he would start with these insults that didn’t make sense, and weren’t even warranted. 

Like when Mr. Bigglesworth's dad in Austin Powers would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. Haha.

Sort of the same thing. Only with curse words.

The first time Charles, uh, missed the mark was when they were out singing karaoke. It was a fun atmosphere and he and Sophie were very much together and being flirty with each other.

One guy that they didn’t know was up on stage singing a heavy metal song and was really getting into it. He was actually headbanging. Everyone was laughing.

His song ended right when Sophie stood up to go to the bar for another drink, and as she passed him she said, “Hey, man, nice air guitar!” 

“Thanks!” he laughed and walked back to his group.

When Sophie got back to the table, Charles was visibly annoyed.

“What's wrong?” she asked.

“Why do you have to be such a whore????” he asked.

????

“WHAT?” Sophie said. 

“Oh, nice ‘air guitar,’” he mocked her. “WHORE.”

Hahahahahahaha

WHAT!

Isn’t a “whore” someone who sleeps around with a lot of people (urban dictionary??) 

Since when is a “whore” someone who compliments a guy’s bitchin air guitar and then politely walks away? 

Did she black out, take her clothes off and hump this guy without realizing it?? 

Did she offer to sleep with him for money?

No. 

It was confusing. 

Sophie remembers, “he would always get drunk and accuse me of being a whore for no reason."

(Side note: If that’s his definition of a whore, I’d really hate to see what he calls uhhhhhhh…everyone else in the world.)

Sophie and Charles would get into fights over his ridiculous outbursts but they’d always make up the next day.

The final straw came a few months later, when Charles got upset and reached into his brain for another insult that made no sense.

He was supposed to meet Sophie and other people at one of their friend’s going-away party.

The party was at a bar that Charles and Sophie had been to many, many times with these same friends. “The one we ALWAYS went to,” she recalls.

“Meet me there at ten because we’re all grabbing dinner before,” Sophie told him.

“Ok, see you then,” Charles said.

When Charles wasn’t at the bar by 10:30, Sophie called him.

“I’m at the bar, where are you?” Charles asked.

“I’m here! I’m looking around, I don’t see you!” Sophie said.

“I’m downtown,” he said. 

“Downtown?? Why are you downtown? I haven’t been to their downtown location in two years!” Sophie said. “We’re all all the uptown one.”

That’s when Charles lost his shit. 

He tried his best to use his words.

“You're…A STUPID BITCH!” he said. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  

(Let’s check Urban Dictionary…is she a female dog? Is she Paris Hilton??)

Because I don't see an entry for "stupid bitch" that means someone else went to the wrong place.

“How am I a bitch? OR STUPID??" Sophie yelled. "We always go to this location, I didn’t need to specify.”

That’s when Charles accused her of “tricking him" into going to the wrong location and “lying to him" for her own “shady” agenda.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Excuse me?? Baking power???

Tricking, lying and "being shady" didn't apply here at all. 

In fact, it would have been more shady if they were at the downtown location and she hadn’t specified.

Charles assuming they were downtown and now being an hour late is even more shady than what really happened.

He eventually showed up at the right location but didn’t let it go, and put an even bigger damper on the going-away party. 

They broke up soon after that, Charles no doubt still believing that she was, is and will always be, a whore.

I told her to imagine him being as lazy as a chestnut.

-Jenny