TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There was this Seinfeld episode where Jerry said that women’s bodies are like curvy little Ferraris and men’s bodies are like Jeeps.

….Functional, Standard, Industrial, Yadda Yadda.

(He was making a point that women should be encouraged to walk around his apartment naked, while men…shouldn’t.)

Ben, this complete tool that my friend Jessica went on a date with, didn’t have that same mindset.

He seemed to think that his male parts should absolutely be center stage, and in fact, SHE should be lucky to have a big Jeep like him.

(OK Ben, like there aren’t other big Jeeps in this world….geez. Go to a locker room.)

 Ben and Jessica met in the most unfortunate way: online. He was new to town and wasn’t even as cute as his online picture suggested. She wasn’t feeling him at all, but he kept flirting and grabbing her and trying to make out.

It was a fourth of July event , and Jessica was looking for ways to slink out of there because if she was going to play grab-ass, it wasn’t going to be with this guy.

She held out for exactly two beers and then quickly thought of something.

“Hey, I actually have to leave and go home to wash my hair feed my dog,” she said. Perfect.

Ben answered quickly.

“Well, I’ll go home with you…I’d love to meet your dog,” he said.

Dammit.

“Ummmm…no…I don’t think so…I’ll just catch up with you later…maybe..” Jessica said, and bolted.

She went home and pet her well-fed dog.

Twenty minutes later, she got a text message from Ben.

“Oh, so you’re not interested in me?” he wrote. “You just LEAVE me here?”

It was an awkward situation. She didn’t want to be rude, but he wasn’t at all her type.

“Well, I had to feed my dog,” she texted back. “But now that you mention it, I don’t think this is going to work out.” She added “You’re new to town and I’m over the touristy thing,” just so she could throw in a realistic excuse.

That’s when the Jeep went into overdrive.

Like, OMG.

Ben sent Jessica a PICTURE TEXT MESSAGE of his HARD PENIS, with a message: “Good luck finding a guy whose dick is this big."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who texts a perfect stranger that??? 

And where was he?? Still at the party??? 

Was she supposed to look at the picture and fall in love and put her hand over her forehead and say, “OHHH LOOK! MY PRINCE CHARMING!”??

No. 

The picture was horrifying.

“Excuse me???” Jessica wrote back.

Ben was ready.

“Yea, have fun dating other guys who can’t even get it up, or satisfy you,” he wrote.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

What a horny bastard.

I mean, first off, what the F does HE know about her love life and/or what satisfies her?

Second off, a big d*ck doesn’t excuse someone’s general repulsiveness.

AND AGAIN: Like you’re the only Big Jeep in the world. Gimmie an effing break.

Jessica didn’t write him back, since this guy was certifiable and seemed to think his d*ck was the Messiah.

But she got another text from him a half hour later.

“By the way, that picture is MY property and you may not share it.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Drive away as fast as possible.

-Jenny