Tuesday, May 1, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

If you’ve ever lived with other people, it’s likely that you didn’t like at least one of their boyfriends or girlfriends.

It’s bound to happen.

Maybe they smell bad.
Maybe they leave their things strewn all over the apartment.

Maybe they YELLED AT YOU during a Mardi Gras crawfish boil in front of everyone...ugh.

(If you think that is bad, consider this classic Toolbag, my former roommate’s boyfriend who JACKED OFF on our couch.
No, really.)

Anyway.

The thing is, though, that unless your roommate’s significant other does something completely heinous like steal from you or take your LAST BEER or kick your dog, the “good roommate” thing to do is to just keep your mouth shut.

Because it’s not YOUR significant other.

And there’s no clause in a lease with a roommate that you must approve of their beloved.

Jared didn’t get that memo. He lived with Ben, who dated my friend Shannon. Jared despised Shannon and made her life miserable for over a year.

(We still don’t know what Shannon did to piss him off so much. Shannon certainly didn’t smell bad, she didn’t leave things all over the apartment and only sat on the couch when invited.)

Shannon's take is that Jared was jealous of her relationship with Ben, since he himself was a TROLL and lonely and Shannon was “taking away” his best friend.

So Jared did what any five-year-old boy person would do. He threw temper tantrums when she’d come over and tell lies to Ben about her.

It started off small.

He started out telling Ben that Shannon was running the apartment by “turning down the air conditioning all the time and making the bill go up,” when in reality Shannon didn’t even know where the thermostat was.

“YOU’RE COSTING ME MONEY!” Jared wailed. Shannon repeated that he was crazy and he turned down the A/C himself.

Ben stood by, saying nothing.
(TWO TOOLBAGS!!!)

When that plan didn’t get her out of the apartment, Jared got more desperate. He decided it would be a good idea to change the screen saver on the HUGE computer monitor in the living room…to an old PICTURE OF BEN AND HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND.

…LOUNGING ON BEN’S BED TOGETHER.

“What the hell is this?” Shannon asked, staring at the picture of another girl lying with HER boyfriend in his bed.

“Yeah, I just love that picture,” Jared said. “Ben’s ex was so cool.”

Hahahaha.
Dude.
I would have unplugged the computer immediately.

Ben for some reason didn’t make Jared take down the picture… (um, odd)…and Shannon was forced to stare at it every time she was in the living room.

After a year of dating, despite Jared’s attempts at breaking them up, Ben decided to move with Shannon to New York to take a job.

They loved each other, after all, and he was a chef, and every chef dreams of going to New York (so says Top Chef).

Of course, this decision didn’t go over well with Jared, who nearly had an aneurysm that he was consulted about it.

So he tried to break them up again.

A couple of weeks before Ben and Shannon were set to move to New York together, Jared pulled Shannon aside and told her that Bryan told him that he really didn’t want to go to New York, he didn’t like Shannon anymore and “he was going to back out at the last minute.”

Almost in tears, and stressed out from the impending cross-country move, Shannon confronted Ben.

“You’re going to back out last minute??” she said.

Ben said no, of course not, and he was “shocked” to hear that Jared would say something so false.

(I wasn’t surprised. The ex-girlfriend’s picture was still on the screen saver.)

Yet it must have been that bold-face lie that did Ben in. Because Jared got what was coming to him, in the form of a punch to the face, in a crowded bar.

It was one of many going-away parties for Shannon and Ben and Jared showed up angry and drunk and started making comments about how Shannon was stupid.

“You’re making the worst decision EVER,” Jared said loudly amongst the party-goers. Shannon gave him a death stare and then Ben shocked everyone by standing up and walking over to Jared and punching him in the face.

WHAT!!!
AHHHH!!!

“Finally Ben stood up for me and our relationship,” Shannon said. “That was a great moment.”

If only there was a picture of that, for the screensaver.

-Jenny

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...