Tuesday, August 9, 2011

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I’ve heard of this thing guys do where instead of being normal and breaking up with someone they’re not into, they decide instead to deliberately be assholes so the girls will break up with them.

Whoever thought of this idea should be shot.

I don’t think it was Steve who thought of the idea, but he could very well be its poster child.

My friend Heather went on exactly four dates with Steve before he decided to be a world-class asshole out of nowhere, for no apparent reason.

He decided after four dates and a sleepover that he, uh, just wasn’t that into her. As she woke up in his bed.

But of course he didn’t tell her that. He didn’t tell her anything.

As in, he ignored her completely.

They had met in a very adorable way. They were both on vacation in Cabo, and found out they both lived in New York –COINCIDENCE!– and they could continue their flirtation when they got back to the East Coast.

They went on a handful of dates, complete with a hot and heavy sleepover. So when he asked her to come over and sleep at his house on a school night, she agreed.

Heather remembered that their, uh, chemistry was a bit off that night, which she didn’t know at the time was indicative of the future of their relationship.

She woke up the next morning and said "he pretty much hated me.”

Instead of being cute and saying good morning and caressing her face like guys do in the movies, Steve got out of bed without speaking and got in the shower.

“Can I take a shower?” Heather asked when he came out.

“I guess,” he said.

“Where are the towels?” she asked.

“In the closet,” Steve said, without specifying which closet and without getting her one.

When she got out of the shower, she found him eating breakfast by himself, not offering her any of his cereal. She stood there uncomfortably, hair wet.

“Do you have a brush?” she asked. In silence, he walked over to another closet and fetched a brush from the back of the shelf.

“Woah, back of the closet, so you never brush your hair?” Heather asked jokingly.

“No, I do. I use a different brush than that one,” he said snottily.

Heather was visibly offended. She wasn't worthy of using his brush?? Was he grossed out by her hair germs? This wasn’t a toothbrush after all.

And, uh, they had slept together the night before.

He really did hate her!

She decided she hated him, too, and was happy when they got into his car so he could drop her off at the train back into town.

“I’m getting coffee at Dunkin Donuts,” Steve said aloud in the car. “Do you want a cup?”

Finally! A thread of decency! Heather thought. (She still hadn’t eaten breakfast.)

“Sure, I’d love one!” she said as he pulled into the parking lot.

She’d order a donut, too, and maybe they could talk about all this weirdness, Heather thought.

“Look, I’ll even pay for it!” she said jokingly, as she held out a quarter, grinning. "This will cover it, right?" (haha?)

Without laughing, Steve said, “I’ll be right back,” and TOOK THE QUARTER, and slammed the door leaving Heather by herself.

So they weren’t going to have a nice conversation after all.
Or a donut.

Fuming, Heather didn’t say anything to Steve when he returned with the coffee. She stared out the window.

“Shit!” Steve said after five minutes of driving. “I missed the turn for the train station. Do you mind if I just drop you off a few blocks away?”

Heather did mind because it was cold out and her hair was wet, but she wanted to get out of his car as soon as possible.

He pulled up to the curb.

“Wait…which way is the train station from here?” she asked.

Steve didn’t look at her.

“Follow those people,” he said and Heather slammed the door.

Heather canceled their plans for later that week and Steve didn’t mind at all.

His plan worked, after all. No messy "I'm not that into you" talk!

If this was a test, Steve would have gotten a capital A.

-Jenny

1 comment:

  1. Who does that? And right after sleeping together? He sure does take the cake in douchebaggery. The breaking up tactic I'm very familiar with (sadly) is the I'll ignore you for a week or two, not answering any of your texts or calls, so you'll take a hint and be prepared for when I finally do call (or talk to you on MSN!!)to tell me you have 'bad news'. Men, all cowards!

    ReplyDelete

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