TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I think only a big actor or movie star or swimsuit model could act the way Jerry did and still keep a girl.

But seeing that Jerry was none of the above (by a long shot), my friend Kristen broke up with him after a month of dating and literally told him "good luck."

I suppose I should actually thank Jerry, since after him, Kristen completely stopped trying to meet people online. 

Jerry was the final straw; the one who proved that no matter how many online filters you use to weed people out, you will get losers in your inbox.

Jerry and Kristen met in real life and hit it off. He was 34 and cute and they went to a bunch of concerts and other outdoor events together. 

But after three weeks, Jerry said nonchalantly that he was currently on probation for a cocaine charge. 

Hahahahahaha

"Oh, by the way….."

Kristen was completely turned off, since that's another scene completely from hers, and DAMMIT, she thought she had met a winner since he had an actual job.

"That's…kinda serious," she said.

Jerry agreed it was serious, and insisted that it "wasn't his" it was his friend's drugs and "the cops got it all wrong."

Hmmmm. OK.

Jerry talked about the hard-core "diversion program" he was in, saying he was totally committed to doing the right thing and getting it wiped off his record.

"Ok, cool," Kristen said. 

(WHY CAN'T OKSTUPID RUN BACKGROUND CHECKS BEFORE SUGGESTING SOMEONE'S A "MATCH?")

Things were going well again, but then Kristen didn't hear from Jerry for two days. 

He finally texted her one morning very early with, "I got a DUI and have been in jail for two days."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's…so not…the right track.

Kristen took him to dinner the next night and genuinely felt bad for him. 

He then threw himself into his work in order to pay all these new fees, which was a glimmer attractive. 

And when he told Kristen that he'd probably have to go to rehab four nights a week to battle both charges, she told him she'd support him in whatever he needed.

WHY she put so much effort into someone she had known for such a short time still confuses me, but she seemed to really like him and they had a good time together.

But then, Jerry started getting cocky about it - taking advantage of her nice-ness.

His driver's license was going to get suspended, and he told Kristen that he arranged for a female "friend" to drive him around town. 

UM, EXCUSE ME.

"Yea, she's unemployed right now and needs money," he said. 

"Cab drivers need money too," Kristen pointed out. 

Jerry ignored her. And he got even more obnoxious when he started making his legal issues Kristen's problem. 

Kristen was supposed to leave town for a long weekend, when Jerry texted her from a work function at 10 p.m. saying he actually wouldn't be able to come over as planned. 

"Sorry, I just noticed my license is getting suspended at midnight, so I can't drive anywhere," he wrote. 

Kristen stared at the phone.

WELL, HOW DID HE PLAN TO DRIVE HOME FROM THE EVENT??

"I'm disappointed," Kristen wrote back.

"Yea I'd love to see you," he replied, "but I'm REALLY trying to be responsible."

hahahahahahahaha

Loser says responsible.

Being responsible would be not getting a DUI or a "fake" coke charge. 
Or maybe noticing your license was going to be suspended BEFORE 10 p.m., Am I Wrong?

Jerry also didn't suggest he take a cab over to Kristen's house (or even have his pay-a-hoe to drive him). 

No, it was just like, "Sorry, can't make it. You understand." 

Kristen was furious, and took that anger with her out of town, dampening her weekend.

She didn't call or text Jerry the next day, until HE texted HER very late Saturday night telling her where he was located and to come pick him up.

"Me?" she wrote. 

"Oops, that was for Rachel," he said. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kristen had enough; she didn't want to be dating someone who didn't know how to treat someone. And an ever-growing rap sheet.

And she didn't know him well enough to put up with this shit.

When Kristen got back to town she called him ready to end it all, but he was the one with concerns about her lack of "support" for "his situation."

Hahahahaahahaha

"If you want to see me, you're going to have to come over to MY apartment," he said.

Hahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahaha

Who did this guy think he was? 

She was REALLY supposed to follow this LOSER around town? 

Heaven forbid SHE get swept off her feet here, being taken out and courted. 

HELL NO. This was clearly NOT going to work.

"You know what, I actually think is just really…bad timing…for us," Kristen said. 

(She said she held her tongue on how his apartment has no air-conditioning, not even window units, and it was approaching summer in New Orleans.) 

"Yea…I'm kind of a mess," Jerry finally admitted. 

Jerry then told her that he'd still call her and text her when he needed a ride, but thankfully she hasn't heard from him since.

Or seen a recent mug shot.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Bust out the slow clap. Everyone is getting engaged.

This used to be much less of an eye roll life event, but Facebook ruined it for all the ex's of the world. 

Because in any other time and place, an ex wouldn't know about it unless they ran into him/her somewhere and saw a ring or something. 

But now all these unwanted engagement stories show up on Facebook newsfeeds even if you've de-friended and/or or "hidden" said person.

And because two mutual friends "like" it (traitors!!!!), it's now at the TOP of your page and you're forced to stare at the little ring icon and mutter, "Cool (life) story, Hansel."

Ugh.

I'd like to think that most engaged people would love to change this — to have FaceBlock actually exist (ha Arrested Development joke) — so that their BIG FAT news would never have to reach their ex's eyeballs. 

But most engaged people aren't like Connor. 

Connor, who dated my friend Amy for several months, went clear out of his way, for no other purpose than to gloat, to let her know he was engaged. 

I know, let's all say it together: Cool story, Hansel.

(Also: Gloating is only acceptable for my kickball team.)

Connor and Amy had known each other for years and suddenly decided they liked each other and went on a bunch of fancy dates. 

Amy did like him and envisioned him being her boyfriend, but he sort of played her and dumped her and then yelled at her about returning his waffle iron. (Cool story…)

Amy was actually sad and depressed when Connor broke up with her since it was unexpected and a tinge embarrassing, but he made it worse by harassing her about the stupid effing waffle iron and then after she gave it back, he started expressly ignoring her at weddings and other functions where they were both in the same room. 

Or sitting at the same table.

But that all changed dramatically when he got engaged exactly a YEAR later.

It was Mardi Gras and Amy was walking her bicycle through a crowded corner for a parade when she heard someone yell her name behind her. 

It was Connor, actually flagging her down. 

"Oh, hey," she said, confused since he had made it his mission to ignore her for quite some time now. 

This time, though, he actually crossed the street to talk to her.

"Having a good Mardi Gras?" he asked, like he cared. 

"Yea, it's fine," Amy said. 

"Yea, I'm having A GREAT TIME!" Connor said without being asked. 

"My brother is in town from Colorado and we're getting drunk!"

"Cool," Amy said.

"Yea, he's in town for my engagement party!" Connor said nonchalantly. Then he stared at her for a reaction.

Amy blinked. 

"ENGAGEMENT PARTY!" he repeated. 

Haha repeated. (He must be really happy about it.)

Hahahahahahahaha

Amy says: "I think this detail is important, he didn't say he was engaged, just mentioned someone was in town for his engagement party."

EYE ROLL

Uhhhhh file this under completely unnecessary information. 

Is there any good reason why she needed to know this? 

Has he been waiting to run into her just to pass along this happy news cool story?? 

EYE ROLL TWICE.

I guess they won't be needing a waffle iron as a wedding gift.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

How is it possible to bust a complete stranger who just got your number??? 

…without the use of Facebook???

Without knowing anything about them, no mutual friends, no background information, zilch????

Just work for a newspaper. 

We…know…everything….MUHAHAHAHAHA

Just kidding.

….OR AM I?

The truth was this bust was just a perfectly-timed coincidence, probably the work of this dude's KARMA ruining his game. 

Taylor met my friend Brenna at bar trivia. She was sitting nearby on another team, but Taylor kept getting her attention and smiling at her. 

Brenna, who was single at the time, was flattered, and Taylor wasn't hideous, so she smiled back. He introduced himself and told her she was the prettiest person in the bar (blush). 

The next week at trivia, Taylor and Brenna talked for a few minutes about what she did for a living. 

Brenna told him she was the graphic designer for a local newspaper and he seemed to think that was super cool (It is). He then made his move at the end of the game. 

The last trivia question asked players to decipher a whole bunch of Roman numerals into regular numbers, and Taylor used that opportunity to get her actual phone number. 

"Here," he said handing her a piece of paper. "Write down your number…not in Roman numerals." They both laughed. It was cute. She hoped he'd call that weekend. 

But he didn't. 

Brenna frowned when he didn't show up at trivia the next week. Was he injured? In jail?? 

A few days after his noticeable absence, Brenna was working double duty at the newspaper answering phones and taking down classified ads in the secretary's absence. 

"The XXXX Journal, this is Brenna," she said when the phone rang. 

"Brenna?" asked a male voice on the other end. "Brenna from bar trivia?"

She paused for a second - WHO IS THIS PERSON WHO KNOWS SHE PLAYS BAR TRIVIA ON FRIDAYS??? - when the voice said, "This is Taylor."

"Oh!" Brenna said, awkward. Then confused...she had given him her CELL phone number...right??

"Um, what's…up?" she asked.

"I was calling about putting a garage sale in the paper," he said. "I didn't know you answered the phones." 

(Translation: I didn't mean to call you personally, even though I now have TWO numbers to reach you)

"Oh, yea, well, I can still take down the information," Brenna said, trying to be professional. 

"It's a moving sale," Taylor said. "We're selling a living room set (ed note: who buys living room sets anymore??) and a lot of kitchen stuff and clothes."

"Clothes?" Brenna asked, the word "we" running through her head. "What kinds of clothes? Children's clothes? Men's clothes?"

"Mens…" he said.

…and women's." 

Brenna said there was a very obvious pause, which made it very obvious to her that she shouldn't expect a call for a date because he already HAD someone to go on a date with. 

Pause.

"Ok, got it, men's and women's clothes," Brenna said. "And a living room set."

"Yea," Taylor said trying to be chummy all of a sudden. "We're moving closer to downtown."

WE.

COOL.

Taylor of course didn't elaborate on the 'we' - "they're my mom's clothes!!! they're my EX-girlfriends clothes!" - because they were neither.

"Ok, well, I need your credit card now then," Brenna said curtly, not addressing the details of his garage sale. 

She cursed herself for telling her roommate the day before how excited she was that someone had gotten her number.

A quick Facebook check of his full name (thanks Mastercard!!!) showed that he was, in fact, with another girl.

UGH. 

Why go through all that flirting and chatting and using the cheesiest pickup line EVER to get someone's number if you're LIVING WITH A GIRL, SIGNING A NEW LEASE WITH A GIRL and WE, WE, WE-ING ALL OVER TOWN??

Does this constitute cheating?? 

Because that's grounds for being disqualified in bar trivia. 

Either way, he's in last place.

-Jenny

The Taco Spot

Reality TV is a weird thing because everyone is  really acting even though they tell you they're not acting.

I actually read in a magazine that there is –for serious- a reality television SCHOOL in New York where they teach you how to be a bitch, i.e. get ratings.

Of course, they say they teach you how to "bring out the most of your personality" but who are we kidding?

I've seen Flavor of Love. And Flavor of Love2.

Reality competition shows, however, are something I can get behind, since there's a goal other than getting a rose and/or getting proposed to on a beach. Where you’re judged on talent instead of looks and/or bitchiness.

For example: DESIGNERS, MAKE A PARTY DRESS OUT OF THIS PILE OF GARBAGE!!! or… COOK ONLY USING YOUR FOOT!!

How are they going to do it??? Will they have enough time?? I’m on the edge of my seat!!!!!

What’s even better, though, is watching a reality TV cooking show where you KNOW SOMEONE COMPETING.

Does that make ME famous too???

I had the distinct pleasure of watching my friend – chef and restaurant owner JV - compete on a reality cooking show called Food Court Wars on Sunday night, where he battles it out with another restaurant to win space and free rent at a food court.

Get it? Food court wars??

It’s strange to see someone you know on TV. A lot of  “Oh My God!” yelling when he was on the screen.

JV owns a taco restaurant in Charleston, South Carolina called The TacoSpot, and it’s the most delicious fish taco I’ve ever had. It’s so good I can’t eat any other fish tacos because they aren’t even half as good as his.

I’ve eaten his fish tacos for eight years, which is how long I’ve known JV, and to see them on the BOOB tube made me smile big. I wished I could reach in and grab one.

JV started his business when he and I were close, and it was called La Cocina and he sold T-shirts that said “neighborhood Taco dealer” and I still have mine, no you can not borrow it.

He slowly worked his way up from La Cocina the old-fashioned way. 

He worked incessantly, writing recipes on little pieces of paper in the middle of the night, served tacos at countless Farmer’s Markets and even had a food truck before getting a new name and new location. 

He worked long hours, seven days a week to feed the world the best fish tacos on the planet. 

Nothing came easy for him. 

(He doesn't have a piece of beach wood on the wall painted with the words “Struggling man” for nothing. Also: big Grateful Dead fan.)

It’s very much in my nature to get all in my head about everything, and when I saw JV on TV, I teared up.

(I imagine mothers of Flavor of Love girls also tear up, but for different reasons.)

It brought me back to when JV first opened La Cocina slinging tacos to hippies on the beach and now he’s a legit business owner with enough clout to be ON THE FOOD NETWORK and judged by chef Tyler Florence.

Do you remember Tyler Florence? He was the“chef” at Applebees in all the commercials. You know, the one responsible for your Bourbon Chicken. (He also blew UP. Probably from eating too much Applebee's.)

Anyway.

Everything about the one-hour show brought memories flooding back from eight years ago.

The lunch boxes he had to make in the first challenge, for example, reminded me of when he used to make ME lunch boxes to bring to work, and everyone was super jealous.

Even seeing Mikey, his partner on screen, made me tear up. I remember when Mikey, his now manager/cook was first hired at La Cocina to be a cook and JV picked him up and dropped him off everyday.

I suppose that would make this Mikey’s 8-year anniversary.

HI MIKEY!!!!

Even JV’s accent, which I always said would win him over in a Top Chef-type competition, brought me back to 2005. And I reminisced some more.

But maybe that’s just because I’ve been feeling homesick about South Carolina lately and its glorious (and free) beaches.

Maybe I’m just homesick for really good fish tacos.

I’m so good at this remember-ing game that I even KNEW JV was going to be in the weeds before they shoved it down viewers’ eyeballs.

While JV is the most pleasant and funny person I know, he’s bashful about dealing with customers. And I know why.

It’s because he gets awkward when dealing with the people eating his food, judging it.

It’s the same thing when I see someone in front of me reading the newspaper, reading an article I wrote. I hide.

My best friend Kristin was JV’s long-standing front-of-house person “order taker” at all the farmer’s markets and when he first opened Taco Spot. It was like a big family.

Which is what I thought about when he had to walk around the mall giving employees his lunch boxes.

And I could see JV’s face tense up when Tyler “Fatty” Florence (haha) critiqued his taco. I know that face. Now America knows that face.

Now, I don’t mean to make this all about me (uh, can’t help it) but I have never been prouder than when I saw JV on the screen.

No one deserves more recognition for how far they’ve come than him. And I’m glad I was at least a small part in helping him get to where he is today. I think I’m going to wear my neighborhood Taco dealer shirt to bed.  

I know three people who have been on reality TV shows, and I'm overly obnoxious about asking them behind the scenes stuff. 

Because there are a ton of behind the scenes stuff. And I'm…overly obnoxious. 

JV said it was pretty straightforward, although they cut out a part of him getting pissy with Tyler (dammit…that would have been good viewing!) and they staged a fight between him and his wife that never aired (not good viewing.)

But it was a fun show nonetheless – who cares about the other ladies selling empanadas on the show– and YOU BETTER BELIEVE I’M WATCHING IT AGAIN AT NINE O’CLOCK TONIGHT (10 p.m. eastern time).

If nothing else, to see the fish tacos again, hear the Southern drawl again (darlin’) and remember the days of my favorite lunch box.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

They say don't judge a book by its cover, which I always thought was about not ruling out ugly things because they can be beautiful inside, like Pit Bulls. 

Ha.

Unfortunately, it goes the other way too. Don't judge a pretty book by its pretty outsides because it could have shitty contents...and an unsatisfying ending. (Hey-yooo!!!!)

Dating using this philosophy is tricky. 

The first scenario is a win-win - maybe you'll meet someone who may not appear in the next hot firefighters calendar, but they've got heart and soul and know exactly how to calm you down in a pinch. 

WIN!

But, since dating is shallow,  you end up checking out all the pretty books from the library and then realize after the first chapter that the book is a goddamn mess.

My friend Nikki learned this the hard way after she checked out Ray, the prettiest book in the whole store. 

They met dancing at a bar and locked eyes and kept running into each other at various restaurants and social circles. 

He was "super cute and successful," Nicki recalls. So she accepted a date.

Ray was a high-end real estate agent, lived a big flashy life, knew everyone in the city and ate a lot of sushi. He was perfect.

They dated for SEVERAL MONTHS when Nikki became bothered by the fact that he never invited her over to his place. 

She said he would either drop her off or, if he had too much to drink, he'd spend the night. 

Odd, Nikki thought. She was really looking forward to seeing what this high-flying real estate agent's living quarters were like. 

Why wouldn't he want her to see his house?!

But since you don't very well invite yourself over, she didn't saying anything. 

Ray and Nikki continued to go on dates, him telling her about his grand life as the king of (insert super nice development community here). 

But then he started to unravel.

Nikki said one night at dinner after several drinks he said, "Yea, I can't wait until I have my own car again!" 

"Wait, what do you mean?" Nikki asked. 

Ray had been driving and picking her up in a high-end Range Rover (PRETTY!!!) for a month now. 

Whose car was that?? 

Nicki said when she asked him again what that meant, Ray acted confused, "like he didn't say it." 

So Nikki pushed him more. 

A couple of nights later she insisted she drive so she could pick him up at his house for the first time (It does exist!), but alas, Ray was "insistent" that she not go inside. 

Right.

Nikki guessed that that he was married or had a girlfriend. 

So she stopped returning his calls and texts because he was, in her words, "weird and sneaky."

BUT HE WAS SO PRETTY!!!!!

Ray, devastated that she was ignoring him, showed up at Nikki's house a few days later and "poured his heart out." 

No, there was no girlfriend, but there were bigger issues. A cliffhanger. 

Despite his pretty life and beautiful facade, he had gotten caught up in a huge scam with the bank over real estate properties, "and was probably going to jail."

The IRS took his car and his houses, and he was staying with a friend. 

And he was so upset about the whole thing, he's been doing a lot of cocaine. Hahahaha 

(I didn't know this was a legal thriller!)

All of this was brand new information to Nikki. Theft, fraud and drugs?? 

That wasn't mentioned on the dust jacket!!! 

She was just looking for a (Danielle Steel) romance!!!  

Seriously, though, why would someone date another person for MONTHS without saying anything of this magnitude? 

She had become invested in him, spent countless hours "reading" him and enjoying him only to find out it all was just the biggest waste of time, ever. 

Hope there are some self-help books in jail. 

-Jenny