TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It's always embarrassing when you're at a restaurant with someone who pays the bill and they leave a horrible tip. 

And by horrible tip I mean NO tip.

It's even worse when this happens on a first date, because you don't know how to address the situation. 

Even worse worse? When the person paying the bill on your first date is a freaking CHEF.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A lifelong restaurant worker who doesn't leave a tip!!??

Gah. That's like going out with a doctor who smokes cigarettes. 

YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!!!

Tony, the chef, did know better. He's just a jerk chicken.

Tony is the chef and owner of a very prominent restaurant downtown and he met my friend Stacey on this new online dating app called Skout. 

After chatting back and forth about life ("He seemed really successful, witty, charming," Stacey said), they decided to meet for dinner. 

But that's where the romance ended. 

Since he was a foodie, they decided to go to a new fusion restaurant that had just opened, and Tony spent a good portion of the dinner bitching about the food and the service. 

Granted, Stacey said the food was weird, that the hamburger arrived on slices of French bread as a bun and a mojito was served with a side of a meatball. 

(Ed note: HAHAHAHAAHA wtf. Wait, now I kind of want to eat there.)

Anyway.

Stacey tried to steer Tony away from bitching about everything by asking him about his work and his restaurant. But he could say nothing positive there either. 

Most of the conversation was about his business and how hard it was to find good help.

Tony charmed her with a story about "how this one black guy he'd hired had stolen all these knives and a slicer from him and he'd seen the items on Craigslist but the cops wouldn't do anything about it and how there was a reason for stereotypes."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

It's always fun to realize you're on a date with a racist.

After Tony was done bitching about the thief, he said his current help is shit and that he asked this one girl he hired as a server to wash green beans and she asked if she should use soap (haha aww) and he fired her.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(This guy would be hysterial if he wasn't so angry.) 

It quickly became clear that Tony hates servers.

And any server who had the unfortunate pleasure of waiting on him would be his next victim. 

(Uh...good thing he never met me.)

Stacey said it didn't help that Tony had worked himself up into a tizzy about bad help, because his change from the bill came back and the server had rounded up to the nearest dollar rather than bring him back coins, and he was shorted 26 cents.

Tony became furious with the slight of change, since maybe he was going to a gumball machine later (haha), and with a red face he DUG INTO HIS POCKET and pulled out 26 cents. 

Which he left as the tip. 

TWENTY-SIX CENTS AS THE WHOLE TIP!!!

WHICH WAS TECHNICALLY NO TIP.

On a $50 bill!!!

Stacey sat there, jaw dropped, as Tony explained: "She needs to learn to do better."

OMG. How embarrassing.

Stacey didn't know how to handle the situation, so she walked out of the restaurant as quickly as possible hoping the server wouldn't see the non-tip before they left.

This is teaching her a lesson!!???!! 

She probably didn't even know what the 26 cent "tip" meant.

What kind of ASSHOLE lessons would he try and teach HER if they started dating??

Someone should teach him a lesson. 

Or five.

First up: get a white guy to steal his knives.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I always find it hilarious when guys think chicks don't know how a cell phone works.

Especially an iPhone. Especially when she HAS an iPhone.

"Oh, babe, I didn't get your text about coming over and helping you move."

"Really? Then why did it tell me the exact TIME you read it???"

With all the advances in cell phone technology and a new iPhone being released every six minutes, none of the old cell phone excuses work anymore.

I’m pretty sure you can even get reception in a tunnel.

Today's smartphones make it very hard to lie. Just ask Randy.

Randy is this guy my friend Georgia dated this past summer who lied about why he was deleting text messages on his iPhone, and used the oldest excuse in the book.

Well, old like an excuse from 2002.

Georgia and Randy were friends first and then started dating and hit their four-month mark when they went on their first trip together, to Chicago. 

Randy was co-hosting a technology smartphone APP award convention thing (geek) (no, actually impressive) and Georgia was there as his date. 

She said it wasn't the dream trip she expected, since Randy didn't seem to appreciate her being there and made no reservations anywhere nor had any plans for them other than to watch bad TV in the hotel room.

She said he also let her pay the bill on their one Chicago dinner date, even though she paid for her own plane ticket to be there with him.

Ugh.

So, that was already strike 1, 2, and 2-and-a-half against Randy.

The next morning, they were catching an early plane out of Chicago and Georgia fell asleep in the cab on Randy's shoulder…with her iPhone in her lap. 

There was traffic and they were running late and when Georgia was woken up with a start, she got her bags and got out of the cab immediately without thinking about her iPhone that slipped off her lap into the cab. Or onto the sidewalk.

Of course, she didn't realize her phone was missing until they had gotten through security and were waiting at the gate.

Georgia needed to call her dad since it was Father's Day and dug through her purse, panicked.

"WHERE IS IT??" she yelled into her purse.

"I remember it was on your lap in the cab," Randy said. "It must have dropped."

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

"Well, can I use your phone then?" Georgia said. "I need to call my dad."

Georgia, who travels for work a lot, was upgraded to First Class and she was hoping she could take Randy's phone with her to her seat and use it during the 20 minutes or so it takes everyone else to board.

"I'll give it back to you when you pass me to get to COACH," she said, and would have laughed at that, had her own phone not been lost.

"Errr, well…" Randy said, hesitating.

Really.

He HESITATED.

Georgia said he then began frantically scrolling through his text messages, DELETING THEM, pretty much right in front of her face.

"What are you doing?? Are you deleting messages??" Georgia asked. 

"No!" Randy said. "I'm…checking on something."

Georgia wasn't an idiot, or blind, and had an iPhone so she knew what the messages screen looked like and knew what the red MINUS signs next to text messages mean, it means they're on the chopping block to be deleted. 

There were several problems with this situation.

First of all, what exactly did he not want her to read??

Second of all, what made him think she'd even look through his phone???

Assuming that a significant other is going to look through your phone unprompted is the kind of paranoia that only comes from someone who has a bunch of shit to hide.

Georgia was incensed.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU JUST TAKE CARE OF WHATEVER YOU NEED TO," she said sarcastically.

She then walked into First Class, fuming, planning her breakup speech.

Randy passed her seat a few minutes later, when the commoners were allowed to board, and handed her his phone. 

"Here," he said. "Make all the calls you need."

Haha Eye roll.

Georgia took the phone without looking at him and called her dad, but after five minutes, the flight attendants told everyone to turn everything off.

She squeezed his phone in her fist in anger for the rest of the two-hour flight.

When the plane landed, First Class got off first, and Georgia thought about leaving the airport and not waiting for Randy at all, but she still had his phone and wanted to hear an explanation.

He met her a few minutes later and they walked silently to the parking garage where they had driven separately. 

That's when Randy used the classic excuse from 2002.

"Look," he said. "I had to delete a bunch of messages because my memory is full, and I can't get new text messages unless I delete old ones."

Hahahahahahahaha

Ahahahahahahahaha

Did he forget that Georgia ALSO had an iPhone?   

Or that no one who has ever had an iPhone has EVER had that problem? 

She's not trying to take a picture with the phone, Randy.

Georgia was offended. 

"THIS IS THE EXCUSE YOU CAME UP WITH AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT FOR TWO HOURS?" she demanded. "THIS ENTIRE PLANE RIDE, THAT'S ALL YOU COULD COME UP WITH???"

hahahaha

She has a point. I can think of a ton of better excuses for having to suddenly delete text messages in front of my significant other before handing over my phone.

Ohhh, babe, I didn't want you reading messages about the surprise birthday party I'm throwing you! Woah, totally busted! 

Or

"I was texting (insert friend’s name) about why one of his balls is suddenly way bigger than the other and I didn’t want to embarrass him.”

But no.

Randy, a TECH APP SMARTPHONE PROFESSIONAL, decided to instead lie about the features of the phone.

  

Dumbass. 

He didn’t have a response to Georgia’s question about the amount of effort he put into his lame-ass excuse.

Just silence. 

And silence again when she told him it was over.

Like cell phone reception in a tunnel...

In 2002.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It's no secret that guys don't know a good picture of themselves. 

Really!

Look at the hottest guy you know in real life's Facebook profile picture. You know you wouldn't hit that!

Ha

Whatever. 
Facebook isn't real life. 

However, there are some guys who do need to know what a good picture of someone looks like. And those people are PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS. 

Life lesson #43257346273: Never go on a date with a professional photographer and then cut it off. 

Don't do it. 

Their lens will punish you.

Here's the story:

I met Mark, a freelance photographer, and we went on exactly one date before I realized that he was an angry guy, and not the type of angry guy that I find hilarious. 

The kind I find annoying. 

But we still talked about work - me writer! him photographer!  Looks so good on paper….ha. (Pun intended.)

Mark told me that in addition to photograph-ing sports for the NBA (whaaaat) and The Associated Press (whaaaaat) he also did small side projects for local schools for their brochures and websites.

But he was still angry and shat on everything (the bar is dirty, the river is ugly, I hate people who walk slow)

So, after our date, I made a point not to return his calls or text messages. I mean, did I owe him anything?? Is it better to remain silent or is it better to break the news that you're an angry little man?? 

I knew I made the right decision when I started getting messages from an anonymous person telling me he had a girlfriend and that he was a cheater hahahahahaha. 

(I sure can pick 'em)

To be honest, I forgot all about Mark until I was recently asked to attend a career day at a local elementary school. 

I get asked to do a lot of career days because I have a job that children can understand. 

I've done about 15 career days in my illustrious career.

Meeting in the library before our presentations to children (WHICH YOU DON'T GET PAID FOR) it's always me (the "newspaper lady")  the police officer, the lawyer, the firefighter, the dentist.

Can you imagine: "Hey kids! This is Holly. She sells unnecessary medical devices to doctors for a ridiculous markup! Say hi to Holly everyone!!"

Hahahaha

Um. 

Anyway.

So there I was, giving my spiel to the kids about what a newspaper budget is (it's where you plan what stories are going to be in the next issue, it has nothing to do with finances) when the door opened and everyone stared at the principal entering the room…with Mark. 

And his big camera. 

He was frowning, go figure.

It had been four months at least since I had seen/remembered him, and then suddenly I froze up there in front of everyone. 

"Err…"

He did not acknowledge knowing me at all, even as I tried to make eye contact and started ClickClickClickClick-ing with his fast-ass shutter and I got red in the face and tried to continue my discussion on deadlines. 

I was nothing but professional about the awkward encounter, and I assumed HE was going to be professional. 

...Even though I left him hanging with a bunch of unreturned text messages. 

Put all your biases aside, right???  

No. 

Not for Mark. 

For reference, this is from another career day years ago, taken by NOT an asshole:

(Can't blame the photographer for unflattering pants)

But I guess perhaps now, instead of newspaper advice, I should start instructing students to NOT to go on a date with, and promptly end things with, a photographer. 

That's a more useful lesson.

Don't do it kids!!! Because one day you'll see him again, and he'll be taking professional pictures of you and there's nothing you can do about it, and while everyone ELSE who had their picture taken at career day looks happy and normal, your picture--- emailed to HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE marked CAREER DAY 2013!!!!!, will look like this:

UGH.

UGH times infinity.

Seriously?!!??

Of course Mark chose this picture to include in the roundup. 

Is there anything flattering about this photo??? 

HOW IS THIS PROFESSIONAL???!!?!

HE TAKES PICTURES FOR NATIONAL PUBLICATIONS FOR CHRIST SAKE!

Did he NOT notice that half my face is asleep, like a stoke patient? 

That he made me look cross-eyed and have FOUR CHINS??? 

Or that...NO ONE WOULD HIT THAT??? 

I think he absolutely noticed.

Well. 

At least it looks better than his Facebook profile picture.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

One of the most obnoxious things about being single is that there isn’t anyone obligated to pamper you when you’re sick, or worse, hungover.

It doesn’t help when you live 800 miles away from your twin sister so now you really have no one to make you Kraft Mac and Cheese as you lay in bed crying.

This has been my life for two days.

Laying in bed. STARVING.

NO ONE TO MAKE ME  ANYTHING.

But I suppose life is even worse when you DO have someone you’re dating, but who doesn’t care that you’re alternating between cold sweats and hot sweats and seeing spots.

It reminds me of my friend Jessica when she was in college.

She was more hungover than she’d ever been in her entire life and all she wanted was a Coke Icee and a Hershey’s white chocolate bar from the gas station near her house.

It was her favorite combination.

Since she could barely lift her head, she asked her boyfriend at the time, Tommy, to buy them for her after he got out of class.

“Sure, no problem,” Tommy sad.

Jessica watched bad daytime TV and waited anxiously for her cool treat and sugary bar.

But Tommy showed up an hour or so later empty-handed, and he sat next to her flopped out on the couch.

“What the hell?” Jessica asked. 

“I tried to get it for you but the ICEE machine is broken,” Tommy said. (This was a legit argument; OUT OF ORDER is a regular sign on those machines.)

Jessica’s face fell.

“But…what about the Hershey’s bar?”

“No, they don’t make them anymore,” Tommy said. “Can you believe it?”

“WHAT???” Jessica asked. “What do you mean they don’t make them??? Not at all??”

“No, I guess people don’t like white chocolate that much,” he said. “I’m really sorry. Hope you feel better.”

Ugh.

 Jessica was already feeling like she was going to puke and now THIS.  Who shows up empty-handed when their girlfriend is feeling -1000 on a scale of 1-10??

Why couldn’t he have gotten her a Blue Gatorade and some soup??? Empty-handed????

Thankfully, Jessica felt better the next day and forgot about it.

But two weeks later, Jessica and Tommy were at WalMart when Jessica saw a big industrial-sized bag of the white chocolate bars on the shelf. (It must have been near Halloween).

“OH MY GOD, LOOK!” Jessica screamed. Screamed.

“They’ve still got the white chocolate bars here! WE SHOULD BUY THEM ALL since they’re not making them anymore!”

Jessica started putting bag after bag into the cart, when she noticed Tommy smirking and laughing next to her.

LAUGHING.

“What’s so funny?” Jessica asked.  “Help me get the big bag on the top shelf!”

“Yea, they still make them,” Tommy said. “I never stopped at the gas station.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

????????????

WHAT!!!!!!!!

SO HE LIED TO HER ABOUT HER FAVORITE CANDY BEING DISCONTINUED???

Jessica wanted to puke again.

What a jerk. Of the very few requirements of being her boyfriend, that one was mandatory. 

Not to mention she would have spent $100 in white chocolate bars had he not been with her that day.

She shunned him for the next several days…until he bought her an ICEE and a white chocolate bar as a sorry.

Was that so hard Tommy??? WAS IT????

No, no it wasn't.

Now someone please come over and make me some Kraft Mac and cheese.

-Jenny