TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Today, male readers, I'd like to ask you a question: Are YOU a toolbag?

Do you have a #WanderingEye? Are you #GoneByMorning? 

I'd worry if I were you.

Everyone might soon know these things about you personally, and specifically. 

Not through my blog, of course. 

See, I change names and details in my Toolbag Tuesday posts. A Fourth of July party will be written as a Christmas party, for example. 

"He's in real estate" could mean he…works for a hotel. 

When I write, he was 29 and too old to act like that, he was probably actually 34.

If a guy's identity has been revealed as a Toolbag in any of the 163 posts I've written (woah), then the guy did that DUMBASSERY on his own. 

Several guys have actually called themselves out as a Toolbag on Facebook and then got mad at ME about it. 

Like I'm the one who told my girlfriend I was out of town, and by out of town I meant "at the strip club downtown." 

"THANKS FOR NOTHING! SINCERELY, 'GREG', a guy named Aaron commented on the Facebook link to his particular offense. 

You know, the post where I changed his name to Greg. 

Hahaha stupid Aaron Greg.

But alas, my blog is the least of "Greg's" worries. 

For I discovered a new APP called LuLu that has chicks anonymously rate guys on a scale of 1-10 with particular emphasis on their toolbag-ness.

AND IT'S ALL THROUGH FACEBOOK! 

ARE YOU A GUY ON FACEBOOK? 

You're on it!!!! 

You have no choice!!!

I know, it gives me the creeps too. 

Basically this is what happens: You (ladies) get the App on your phone and it logs you in through Facebook where it automatically brings up EVERY MALE friend you have. 

And no, guys can not access it to check themselves out. It only works if you've checked on Facebook that you are female. (How. Does. It. Know.???)

The APP reassures you that it's super anonymous and no one gets so much as a SNIFF that you're using it, but damn, within two seconds it brings up EVERY MALE you're friends with on Facebook. 

Every one. 

Even guys you forgot existed!!

Look! There's the guy who I had a crush on 11 years ago from my college Spanish class!!! 

And look...he's a #GreatCuddler. (Te amo.)

Ha

But then I scrolled down some more and saw my best friend's little brother on there with a score of 8.8 and I was like GROSS!!!! and logged off because last I checked he was in MIDDLE SCHOOL and much too young to date. 

(He just graduated college).

I don't need to know about my friend's little brother's bedroom skills. 

No one needs to know that information. 

The official Lulu website states that it's supposed to be "amusing" and fun, and a NEW AGE of dating where you review guys to either warn or encourage others to go for it. 

Like Yelp for men.

One of the founders of the Lulu App told the Los Angeles Times that women share information about guys all the time and how the F is this different? yadda yadda yadda. 

…but I don't know. It creeps me out. 

I don't like thinking about a guy giving great #BedroomEyes to another chick.

Gross.

And it's anonymous!!! Which totally breeds lying.

When a girl "reviews" you, she is asked to pick the box that best describes you and her's relationship. 

Friend? Hook-up? Ex-girlfriend? Crush? Together? 

RELATIVE??!!!!

Let's use "hooked up with" as an example. 

If some chick claims that she hooked up with you and decides to rate you -- COMPLETELY ANONYMOUSLY-- she'll be asked to check boxes about your sense of humor:

("If this person did stand-up comedy would he be dodging beer bottles or on tour with Chris Rock?") 

How did the first kiss with him make you feel? 

1.) hopeful? 

2.) Like you should invite him in for a nightcap (wink wink)? 

3.) Or did it make you feel a sore…on your mouth." 

Hahahahaha…..no, really, that's an option.

Does he burp and fart? How often?

(This is for the "personal hygiene" portion of the ratings)

At 50, will he have all his hair?

Hahahahahahaha

I shouldn't be laughing. All of these reviews are directly attached to guys' Facebook profiles.

"When it comes to commitment, he's..." 

1.) better than he used to be

2.) a one-woman man

3.) got a few restraining orders against him

4.) The reason I cry at night

HAHAHAHAHA

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

After that super deep line of questioning, Lulu then asks you to pick the best and worst qualities about him from a variety of hash tags. 

Lulu's founder said using the hash tags instead of having chicks be able to write whatever they want makes it more "fun," since the hash tags are funny and not too terribly insulting. 

And before clicking on "his worst qualities," you're prompted to click on his positive qualities via hashtag:

#big.feet  (Ed note: groan)

#danceslike MJ

#SexualPanther

#WillSeeRomComs

#HotFriends (hahahahaha)

#NerdyButILikeIt

#Sixpack

#SweetToMom

…..it goes on and on and on.

But the bad qualities…oh man

#ForgotHisWallet

#Boring

#Doesn'tKnowIExist

#WorldsWorstMassages

#StillLovesHisEx

#WanderingEye

#GetsInFights

#QuestionableSearchHistory

#SmokesLikeAChimney

#DoesntAskQuestions (wait, that's a bad thing?)

again, it goes on and on, it's just too ridiculous to type any more. 

Except for this very big, important offense:

#OnlyWearsFratTanks

hahahahaha

(This goes against my hope that hashtags will just disappear, I MAJORED IN JOURNALISM, SPACING COUNTS.)

This is what the Lulu Screen looks like when you log in. All your male Facebook friends on display with their scores and/or hash tags: 

(I tried to pixelate as much as I could. Whatever.) 

But really! 

Those are my friends' Facebook profile pictures! 

YOUR friends' Facebook profile pictures! 

I can click on any of them and read what a former hookup has to say, like it's ANY of my business!!

The App even shows you other people "in your area" along with their reviews, which I'm sure is some sort of privacy violation.

So there's that. 

Happy Tuesday fellas!!!!!

I guess this is another reason why you shouldn't scorn the ladies. 

They WILL write about how you #ownCrocs.

I'm surprised the co-founders of this thing are actual adults, because this is TOTALLY HIGH SCHOOL shit. 

As in, this is what high school girls write on the bathroom wall about guys. 

GAW! 

GROW UP EVERYONE!!!

Just stick to changing names. 

...And key details. 

Haha I can see this showing up during an employer's search of an applicants' Facebook page. 

"Well, Mr. Jones, you WERE the front runner for this job but a NUMBER of ladies reported that you #CantTakeAHint. And I don't need someone like that on my sales team."

Hahahahaha

It's only kind of funny. 

Good luck guys. 

#DontBeAToolbag

-Jenny

How New Orleans pitches a tent

Last Saturday, as I was sitting in the park with my friend Dylan minding my own business, a soccer player wandered over at halftime.

"Ok, I just have to ask…." he said between sips of his water bottle. "What exactly is going on over here?"

I looked to my left.

"Oh that," I said, as six people wearing FlorBAMA outfits scrambled to assemble a tent.

"I LOVE KID ROCK!" one of them screamed.

"Oh, it's a scavenger hunt thing," I said. "Teams have to come here and put together a tent for points."

I was surprised that the player noticed what was going on 100 yards away from his game.

But then I remembered that a team had just come by with a guy wearing a squirrel head and a dominatrix actually whipping her teammates.

The whole soccer team probably noticed that, even with New Orleans' weirdness standards.

"It's…really fun," I said.

"Ok." the soccer player said and quickly walked away without asking any more questions.

Haha

As a volunteer at my kickball league’s annual scavenger hunt, I had the great pleasure of seeing dozens of friends and teammates from the league scramble (scramble really is the best word for it) to pitch a tent in various states of inebriation, in various states of clothing.

The hunt had teams - 14 teams I think, with a maximum of six players - each go around to various locations completing tasks for points and they got extra points for taking photos on the way (a picture in front of a streetcar, a picture all chugging a beer, a picture of someone petting a duck).

It was also hilarious psychological experiment.

There were some teams that showed up that were all business, people yelling at the rest of their teammates (hahahahahaa) to DO IT FASTER, GIVE ME THAT POLE!!!

"EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME… I WAS A BOY SCOUT!!!"

(Dylan and I gave these teams extra points for pitching their tent the fastest.)

On the other hand, there were teams where at least one person scoffed at pitching a tent, and left the rest of their team to figure it out.

"I. Don't. Camp." one guy said when he heard the task, opening another beer as his team ran around in circles.

"Someone else is gonna have to figure this one out," said a girl on another team, throwing the poles down and taking a break on the grass.

And there was everything in between. The team made up of the squirrel and dominatrix had one player who announced he was still drunk from the night before, and instead of helping assemble the tent, chose to twerk against a large oak tree for several minutes.

Maybe that was what the soccer player was confused about: A guy dressed as half guy/half girl, still drunk, twerking on an oak tree. (Welcome to New Orleans.)

Kickball is all about teams, and with a tight-knit group of 400 in the league, I wasn't entirely surprised by people's mindset for this challenge.

I even knew which guys would ask if it would count if they pitched a tent…in their pants.

"I can do it, NO PROBLEM!" a guy said looking straight at me, and for some reason I turned red in the face.

"Well, everyone has to fit into the tent, and I don't think your pants are big enough," Dylan offered. Ha

(Dylan was a stickler. He deducted points for teams not repacking the tent properly.)

The location of the tent-pitching was in City Park, the place where the kickball league has twice-weekly practices, but since not everyone goes to practices, some scavenger hunt teams got terribly lost.

And they got even more turned around when their next clue was supposed to lead them to Morning Call coffee and beignets in the park.

"You want us to bike to Cafe Du Monde in the French Quarter?" an Uptowner asked, and I almost said yes.

Like any competition among this group of people, style and personality played. Teams wore elaborate costumes and had thought-out themes.

The wild goose (booze) chase team, for example, all dressed as geese with orange noses "beaks", and if I was the judge, I definitely would have given them extra points for taking a picture petting a duck while dressed like a duck.

The team called "horny hermaphrodite hyenas" had fuzzy nipples attached to their shirts, as they should.

On the personality front, after each tent was properly pitched, I was supposed to take a picture of everyone inside of it. 

While some teams - the all-business ones - crammed in quickly and told each other not to FART, other teams got more creative.

The ducks did a human pyramid, for example.

"What am I supposed to do? Just hop on top of everyone?" the top tier duck nervously asked.

"YES! HURRY UP! YOU'RE WASTING TIME!" a bottom duck replied.

 

Another team, all dressed as their kickball teammate who was NOT on their scavenger hunt team, decided to do the classic 69 position in the tent, so basically it looked like that guy was 69-ing himself six times over.

(Extra points, duh.)

So, no, I can't imagine what the soccer player was talking about when he asked what was going on over here.

I cracked up as people rolled their eyes when their teammates yelled at them to hurry up (hahahahaha), smiled big at all the fantastic two-person bicycles that were used and had a blast coming up with ways we could use the squirrel head costume to scare drivers in the park.

“YOU SHOULD CLIMB A TREE!” The dominatrix suggested.

“Uhhh…those are big trees,” the squirrel said.

“WELL YOU’RE A BIG SQUIRREL!”

Hahahahaha

No. Nothing to see here.

Carry on.

FlorBAMA

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I think only a big actor or movie star or swimsuit model could act the way Jerry did and still keep a girl.

But seeing that Jerry was none of the above (by a long shot), my friend Kristen broke up with him after a month of dating and literally told him "good luck."

I suppose I should actually thank Jerry, since after him, Kristen completely stopped trying to meet people online. 

Jerry was the final straw; the one who proved that no matter how many online filters you use to weed people out, you will get losers in your inbox.

Jerry and Kristen met in real life and hit it off. He was 34 and cute and they went to a bunch of concerts and other outdoor events together. 

But after three weeks, Jerry said nonchalantly that he was currently on probation for a cocaine charge. 

Hahahahahaha

"Oh, by the way….."

Kristen was completely turned off, since that's another scene completely from hers, and DAMMIT, she thought she had met a winner since he had an actual job.

"That's…kinda serious," she said.

Jerry agreed it was serious, and insisted that it "wasn't his" it was his friend's drugs and "the cops got it all wrong."

Hmmmm. OK.

Jerry talked about the hard-core "diversion program" he was in, saying he was totally committed to doing the right thing and getting it wiped off his record.

"Ok, cool," Kristen said. 

(WHY CAN'T OKSTUPID RUN BACKGROUND CHECKS BEFORE SUGGESTING SOMEONE'S A "MATCH?")

Things were going well again, but then Kristen didn't hear from Jerry for two days. 

He finally texted her one morning very early with, "I got a DUI and have been in jail for two days."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's…so not…the right track.

Kristen took him to dinner the next night and genuinely felt bad for him. 

He then threw himself into his work in order to pay all these new fees, which was a glimmer attractive. 

And when he told Kristen that he'd probably have to go to rehab four nights a week to battle both charges, she told him she'd support him in whatever he needed.

WHY she put so much effort into someone she had known for such a short time still confuses me, but she seemed to really like him and they had a good time together.

But then, Jerry started getting cocky about it - taking advantage of her nice-ness.

His driver's license was going to get suspended, and he told Kristen that he arranged for a female "friend" to drive him around town. 

UM, EXCUSE ME.

"Yea, she's unemployed right now and needs money," he said. 

"Cab drivers need money too," Kristen pointed out. 

Jerry ignored her. And he got even more obnoxious when he started making his legal issues Kristen's problem. 

Kristen was supposed to leave town for a long weekend, when Jerry texted her from a work function at 10 p.m. saying he actually wouldn't be able to come over as planned. 

"Sorry, I just noticed my license is getting suspended at midnight, so I can't drive anywhere," he wrote. 

Kristen stared at the phone.

WELL, HOW DID HE PLAN TO DRIVE HOME FROM THE EVENT??

"I'm disappointed," Kristen wrote back.

"Yea I'd love to see you," he replied, "but I'm REALLY trying to be responsible."

hahahahahahahaha

Loser says responsible.

Being responsible would be not getting a DUI or a "fake" coke charge. 
Or maybe noticing your license was going to be suspended BEFORE 10 p.m., Am I Wrong?

Jerry also didn't suggest he take a cab over to Kristen's house (or even have his pay-a-hoe to drive him). 

No, it was just like, "Sorry, can't make it. You understand." 

Kristen was furious, and took that anger with her out of town, dampening her weekend.

She didn't call or text Jerry the next day, until HE texted HER very late Saturday night telling her where he was located and to come pick him up.

"Me?" she wrote. 

"Oops, that was for Rachel," he said. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kristen had enough; she didn't want to be dating someone who didn't know how to treat someone. And an ever-growing rap sheet.

And she didn't know him well enough to put up with this shit.

When Kristen got back to town she called him ready to end it all, but he was the one with concerns about her lack of "support" for "his situation."

Hahahahaahahaha

"If you want to see me, you're going to have to come over to MY apartment," he said.

Hahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahaha

Who did this guy think he was? 

She was REALLY supposed to follow this LOSER around town? 

Heaven forbid SHE get swept off her feet here, being taken out and courted. 

HELL NO. This was clearly NOT going to work.

"You know what, I actually think is just really…bad timing…for us," Kristen said. 

(She said she held her tongue on how his apartment has no air-conditioning, not even window units, and it was approaching summer in New Orleans.) 

"Yea…I'm kind of a mess," Jerry finally admitted. 

Jerry then told her that he'd still call her and text her when he needed a ride, but thankfully she hasn't heard from him since.

Or seen a recent mug shot.

-Jenny