TOOLBAG TUESDAY

"When you've blocked your ex on EVERYTHING and he messages you through an old Words With Friends game:"

B-a-h-a-h-a-h-a-h-a-h-a-h-a-h-a

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Since I’m not in high school anymore, I have no idea how people go from dating to being ohhhhh boyfriend/girlfriend (or boyfriend/boyfriend or girlfriend/girlfriend, whatever).

I mean, what’s the protocol these days? 

Do you just start introducing them as your boyfriend/girlfriend and cross your fingers that they don’t protest?

Maybe an official conversation: “Let’s both delete our Tinder accounts....together.”

Haha

But, I do know the WRONG way to approach the subject of calling someone your girlfriend: stealing her PHONE when she’s asleep and replying to a text from another guy with, “don’t text my girlfriend anymore.”

OMG.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

This happened to my friend Shelby last week, who had been dating this guy Trevor for, uh, THREE weeks very casually.

They had not had a conversation about being exclusive or boyfriend/girlfriend and had actually only seen each other a handful of times over the three weeks.

Shelby and Trevor met at the bar where she worked part-time and they hit it off immediately. But she noticed that he was always texting with other girls.

Shelby wasn’t really worried about it because they weren’t that serious but then, after a day of drinking all day and hanging out, Trevor I guess thought they were exclusive.

Shelby had passed out in his bed and her phone buzzed and Trevor saw that she had received a text from a guy. 

And then he lost it.

It doesn’t matter that the text was from a platonic guy friend who lived five states away.

Not that Trevor asked.

No, Trevor, in a mighty display of douche-ery, decided to TAKE SHELBY’S PHONE, TAKE A PICTURE OF HER PASSED OUT IN HIS BED, and send the photo to the guy with “stop texting my girlfriend.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Damn.

In addition to Trevor stealing her phone and taking a secret picture of her passed out, Shelby notes that they never had any conversation about being exclusive.

HAHA

GUYS, TAKE NOTE: This is NOT how you have the “girlfriend” conversation.

You don’t refer to her as your girlfriend over text to her guy friend without her permission accompanied by a photo of her passed out drunk.

Just don't do it.

Someone make a T-shirt!!!!

Shelby recalls (fuzzily) Trevor waking her up to show her the text, furious, and they got into a fight about it and she left the next morning definitely NOT his girlfriend.

It was horrible; she had to apologize profusely to her PLATONIC guy friend and then Trevor continued to be bat-shit crazy.

“I DON’T CARE THAT UR SEEING OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM TOO” he wrote the next day.

Hahahahahaha

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Then, to prove his point, Trevor sent her PHOTOS OF OTHER GIRLS, body shot photos (no faces) of various girls in various bedrooms that obviously came from porn sites or Tinder because....duh.

SERIOUSLY.

(I saw the photos with my own eyes, ya'll!!!!)

The first picture was of a very, very skinny girl in a black lace thong. 

But rather than be sad about it, Shelby began to mess with him and that made him even more mad.

Shelby responded with something along the lines of “I guess...if you’re into that sort of body type.”

HAHA

Then Trevor sent her another picture a few hours later of a busty, curvy girl (HAHAHAHAHAHA) another body shot, and Shelby responded with something else funny, which drove Trevor even more nuts.

“YEA WELL SHE’S BRINGING ME PIZZA RIGHT NOW,” he said.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

One more time, all together: 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Did he think this was believable? Did he think this would make her jealous?

Where is he getting his dating advice from?

And...(I know, I need to stop trying to understand crazy)...why would one day you refer to someone as your girlfriend (albeit in a creepy, completely inappropriate way) and the next day send her pictures of other girls in their underwear?

I can just picture Trevor staring at his phone red in the face furiously trying to find more *super realistic* pictures to send to Shelby.

...While eating a frozen pizza.

Seriously. 

Hahaha

Picture it.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Once upon a time, right after college, I dated someone who was a complete idiot (literally an idiot...like he’d fail an IQ test), and to prove my point, he ended things because I was too smart.

His words. He actually said: You’re too smart.

No, wait...the full quote was (earmuffs mom): Your boobs are too big to be so smart.

!!!!!

Haha

I mislead him with my bra size.

Up until that moment in 2007, I didn’t realize that, OUTSIDE OF NETWORK TELEVISION, having a large chest meant I was also not allowed to have a large brain, but Robert found my proportions (pun intended) a deal breaker.

Sure, we weren’t a match at all, even though he was the most attractive person I had laid eyes on in a long time.

We dated for about a month but I became suspicious when I found out he was on probation from pharmacy school because he FAILED A DRUG TEST. (uhhhh...idiot).

Also, I did all of his homework for him.

Hmm...maybe I’M the idiot...

Anyway.

Robert’s bizarre breakup speech followed an awkward dinner with his family where I “ruined” a joke by knowing the definition of something.

(I can’t really explain the joke because it DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.)

After I “ruined” the joke that wasn’t even really a joke, more like a play-on-words but NOT REALLY, BECAUSE IT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE, the tension was enough for Robert to announce to everyone, “See? I told you she was smart...” 

And then he trailed off, and no one gave him props for having a smart date. 

They all just sat there like I was handicapped or something and they were trying not to stare.

After the meal, Robert drove me home and I knew that I’d never see him again (BECAUSE I HAVE A BRAIN) and as he dropped me off I tried to be upbeat –dinner was *super fun* thanks—when he said, “You’re too smart.”

I thought he was being cute and complimentary and giggled a little but then realized he was completely serious.

He wasn't laughing.

“What do you mean ‘too smart?’” I asked. "You mean I'm 'too smart' to hang out with you and your family?"

It was confusing; he didn't say "you're a know-it-all" or "you're a smartass," which are legitimate complaints about a significant other. 

He just said, "You're too smart." 

Too smart, period.

Then came the kicker.

“You know...your boobs are too big to be so smart,” Robert finally said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So this was an either/or situation???

WTF. CAVEMAN.

ALSO, THAT WASN’T EVEN AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION. 

But it was clear that my question didn't need an answer. 

Yes, I was "too smart" to hang out with him and his family.

Also, he only cared about boobs. No brain attached.

“My boobs are too big to be so smart, really Robert?" I said. "I...don’t even know where to start with that.” 

Then I got out of the car and never heard from him again.

Although I did hear that he failed out of pharmacy school soon after that.

I mean, obviously he did.

Because there isn’t a pill that can fix stupid.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

If Toolbag Tuesday was a TV series, (uhh...Kickstarter??) then Marty, this guy my friend Lauren dated, would be cast first.

It makes sense, because Marty is a minor actor on TV. (And by minor, I mean the weekend weatherman is more well-known.)

But, Marty wouldn’t be cast just because he can read lines and is hilariously fake-tanned (Really...hilariously).

He’d be cast first because he IS the quintessential, cliché toolbag, the cheater-liar-who thinks he’s God’s gift, and that women are too dumb to find out about his cheating and lying. 

Case-in-point: While dating my friend Lauren...EXCLUSIVELY...and telling her he wanted to marry her, he was texting another woman, whose name he changed in his phone to “Richard.”

HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA

Yes, Marty thought he was fooling Lauren with his new “BFF Richard,”—no big deal, just texting my friend Richard!—but since when do guys text each other every second?

...After midnight?

Hahaha

Wait it gets better.

Marty sent a NAKED PICTURE of himself to “Richard.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No, that’s not fishy at all.

Guys send naked pics to their guy friends all the time!!!!

WAIT. IT GETS EVEN BETTER:

The naked picture he sent to “Richard” was taken in LAUREN’S BATHROOM.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this dude took a naked selfie in his girlfriend’s bathroom to send to his side piece, who he renamed as “Richard” in his phone.

If Toolbag Tuesday had a mascot, Marty would be it.

(It would be his biggest role yet! LOL)

It’s possible Marty would have gotten away with this even longer had he known that his side piece “Richard” is all kinds of crazy.

When “Richard” found out that he had a girlfriend (maybe it was the tampons in the background of the bathroom selfie that gave him away, I don’t know) “Richard” tracked Lauren down and bombed her with texts about how Marty had been cheating on her for the past FOUR months.

...And that’s how Lauren ended up in the most TOOLBAGGY drama ever: A random, crazy girl texting her screen grab PICTURE TEXTS from Marty, of his naked body, posing in HER bathroom.

(Insert voice of TV show director): AAAANNND...CUT.

Ha

Of course, Marty lived up to expectations when confronted about this, and decided to use the justification that REALLY, HE WANTED TO MARRY LAUREN....but he wanted to have sex with “Richard.”

BAHAHAHA

Such a romantic.

This episode of Toolbag Tuesday ends with both women dumping him, but then Marty goes for an Emmy award with his post-breakup text to Lauren asking if they could have one more “goodbye screw.”

SERIOUSLY. 

HE SERIOUSLY ASKED HER THAT.

AND he used the term "goodbye screw."

COME UP AND ACCEPT YOUR EMMY AWARD, MARTY!!!!

While the rest of us cancel our subscriptions.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s always nice when someone realizes exactly what they did wrong in a relationship and makes meaningful strides to be a better person in their next relationship.

Just kidding.

BARF.

Seriously. Is there anything more annoying than barf-knowing your ex has changed dramatically???

Yes, yes there is.

When they TELL YOU ABOUT IT THEMSELVES.

Why do people do this? Why on Earth does anyone think their newfound decent-ness is something that their EX needs to know?

(These are usually accompanied by a pointless self-serving “apology." Know the signs.)

My friend Dee had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of this fuckery by her ex-husband, Brian.

Brian was engaged to be married again. The engagement announcement was annoyingly close to the time he and Dee finalized their own divorce, but to be fair, no one ever accused Brian of being tactful.

Dee, of course, already heard about his engagement because nothing is a secret on Facebook, even if you BlockABitch.

And yes, she had spent the last several days drinking a barrel of wine, ThankYouVeryMuch.

But then on day three, she looked at her phone and saw a text from Brian. 

He hadn’t texted her in months.

Ummm....was there a problem with their LEGALZOOM.COM divorce??

No.

He just had to get something off of his chest.

“I’m getting remarried...” he wrote.

YEA DUH.

BARF.

“and I’m really sorry about how our relationship crumbled and I pray to God that I can be a better husband this time around.”

Hahahahahahahahaha 

HE BROUGHT GOD INTO IT.

Uhhhhh.....What the hell was she supposed to do with that???

That's something you tell your NEW wife, not your ex-wife.

I mean, was Dee supposed to be glad that he’s interested in being a better person "this time around??"

Glad that some random chick gets the reflective, praying Brian instead of selfish A-hole Brian???

A-hole Brian was reserved just for YOU, babe!!!

That’s not who I am anymore!!! 

UGH.

This information helps no one.

Why can’t people just leave their exes alone with their barrel of wine????

WHY????

In my opinion, he would have done better to have put all of this information into a hand-written letter.

And then bury it.

And then barf all over it.

-Jenny