TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I’ve long said that local stand-up comedy sucks, unless you live in New York.

Which is unfortunate, because I love stand-up comedy.

I mean, I’m all for getting out there and being brave and shit, but more often than not, I feel like I’m at the “worst of” auditions for American Idol, wondering if they are serious, wondering who told them they could sing were funny.

Something that IS funny?

The worst date in the world that my friend Liz went on with this guy William…where they went to a local stand-up comedy show.

There are plenty elements to a bad date, and William hit them all on the head.

Liz and William met on an online dating site (but had mutual friends, so it was more like a setup) and when she arrived at his apartment to go out to dinner, he told her he wanted her to drive them to a restaurant a few miles away, even though he lived in an area where they could walk somewhere.

Liz obliged, because he caught her off guard and she didn’t want to be difficult, but NEWSFLASH: DON’T ASK A GIRL TO DRIVE ON A FIRST DATE.

When Liz asked him where they were going, he said the name of the most generic, worst reputation Italian place in town. Seriously it has 1 star on Yelp and has been reviewed 2,000 times.

“There?” Liz asked, pissed that she was wasting gas to go the Italian version of McDonalds.

NEWSFLASH: DON’T TAKE A GIRL TO A RESTAURANT THAT IS THE SHITTIEST IN TOWN ON A FIRST DATE.

“Yea, there,” William said. “It’s open mic comedy night. I go there all the time.”

Did William ASK her if she liked stand-up comedy? No, no he did not.

Liz gave him a side-eye, because she doesn’t love stand-up comedy and that was the exact opposite of what she had envisioned for their first date.

She grudgingly parked and walked with William into the horrible restaurant. The “comedy” had already started. There were five people in the audience.

Liz said there was a fat guy on stage talking about how women get the better side effects of acne medication because HE wishes he’d have sore breasts, too, so he could rub them and play with them.

Ummm.

Crickets.

But you already HAVE boobs, Liz wanted to yell.

Hahaha

She then realized that when you go on a first date to a stand-up comedy show, it eliminates all conversation between the people on the date. 

You can’t even look at each other, you must stare at the fat man on stage.

...With the boobs.

After two comedians had painfully gone on stage, Liz looked around and wondered where the waitress was.

“Are they…serving dinner?” she whispered to William.

“I’ll check,” he said.

William returned with two beers (not her preferred brand, thanks for asking) and Liz figured that he had alerted a server. When no server arrived, she asked him about it.

“Oh, yea, I already ordered for us at the counter,” he said, his eyes not leaving the stage.

Uhhhhhhhh

Excuse me?

“Excuse me?” Liz asked. “What do you mean you ordered for us?”

NEWSFLASH: ASK THE LADY WHAT SHE WANTS TO EAT!!!!

JESUS.

“Yea,” he said taking a sip of his beer. “I ordered us a pizza with sausage and mushrooms.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAUSAGE AND MUSHROOMS??

SAUSAGE AND MUSHROOMS??!?!

What chick wants to eat a pizza with sausage and mushrooms?

(Answer: no one. Put some veggies and colorful cuteness on that plate, damn.)

“So, you basically ordered a pizza for YOURSELF and I’m going to have a slice of it?” Liz asked.

Hahahahahaha

William didn’t respond.

Hahahahahaha

So there Liz was, at the worst restaurant in the world, about to eat a slice of the worst pizza in the world watching the worst stand-up comedy in the world.

And since she was unable to talk to William about his life and likes and hopes and dreams, etc. etc., the only thing she had to go on as far as getting to know him was what he found funny in the comedy.

…which she said was anything that degraded women.

“I mean, those bitches that sleep with you on a first date….you’re not going to MARRY them!” said a comedian, who Liz said has probably NEVER slept with a girl.

William laughed his ass off at that, too hard in fact, and Liz gave him another side eye.

Liz said she didn’t crack a smile the entire time, and actually frowned when the mostly brown pizza arrived. It was a small.

Hahahahahahahaha

He ordered a small!

One slice for you!

Liz said she took one small bite of one slice of pizza but it was so gross, she left it on her plate as William inhaled the remaining slices.

He didn’t even notice that she hadn’t had any of her dinner when the server came to pick up the plates.

Who doesn’t pay attention to the fact that their dinner date hasn’t eaten anything?

I’m running out of NEWSFLASH-es here.

The next comedian on stage started talking about herpes.

Liz said it was the most uncomfortable date she’s ever been on. Hungry, pissed and annoyed at this choice of venue, she then turned her anger towards William.

He came here all the time??? And he thought this would be an appropriate first-date setting??

(I asked her to try and remember more horrible jokes and bits but she told me there were no jokes whatsoever.)

After all she could stand, she told William that she wasn’t feeling well (i.e. stomach pains from hunger) and he remained completely clueless as he raved about the comedians all the way back to the car.

By the time they got back to her car, Liz already had a speech ready for why she had to go home immediately.

“It’s just been a really long week…” she said.

“Oh, what’s this?” William asked, noticing a painting of a bird in the backseat.

“That’s one of those drink-wine-and-paint-a-picture things I did with some friends for a bachelorette party,” Liz said.

“Yea?” William said. “I’d offer to buy it from you, but I spent my last five dollars on that pizza.”

Um.

What??

Liz was confused.

“That pizza cost five dollars?” she asked.

“No…that was a joke…I was saying your painting was only worth five dollars,” he said.

………..

Crickets.

Yea.

He would have fit in perfectly on stage.

On the bright side, kicking him out of her car was the funniest thing that happened all night.

-Jenny