TOOLBAG TUESDAY

A few years ago, a friend of mine coined the term “B.A.F.A.K.” to describe a stick-in-the-mud boyfriend.

It’s fitting because BAFAK sounds like how fancy people say barf. (BAAAAAF)

B.A.F.A.K., officially, is an acronym for a “Boyfriend Against Fun of All Kinds.”

This term is reserved for boyfriends who are absolutely NOT amused by antics, silliness, being drunk, unicorns, magic, jumprope, staying up past 10:30, giggling, sneaking into movie theaters, Mardi Gras, dancing, line dancing, water slides, hangovers, dressing up in costumes and/or anything else the child in you finds fun.

Some BAFAKS don’t mean to be that way, it’s just how they turned out. Others, however, go out of their way to ruin fun times other people are having.

By doing so, they take away a little piece of the child in everyone, like the mean second-grade teacher who nobody wanted to get for homeroom. 

Any evidence of child-like wonder and happiness is immediately squashed by no-nonsense scolding.

A bafak can unfortunately morph into a “F.A.F.A.K.” – Fiancée Against Fun of All Kinds, and then, naturally, a “H.A.F.A.K.” – Husband Against Fun of All Kinds.

(“Brian is such a HAFAK - he wouldn’t let Sally wear her crazy hat to the party.”)

This past weekend, however, I heard about a D.A.F.A.K. for the first time – a dad against fun of all kinds.

Ugh.

Let me set the scene: A dad and little boy about six years old were playing on the beach in South Carolina. No, wait, the boy was playing. The dad wasn’t playing at all, he was just hall monitoring.  

It was sunset. My friend Alice, who lives on the beach and is a child-like spirit herself, looked up from her beach towel and into the horizon and saw dolphins jumping out of the water for feeding time.

The dolphin’s fins broke the surface of the water in rhythmic 10-second intervals and you could follow their path with your eyes. It’s good luck to see them at dusk.

“Hey, look!” Alice told the dad and little boy, pointing to the shore. “There are dolphins jumping over there!”

The boy looked at Alice and then followed her hand out to the water. She could see he was smiling in anticipation.

“They're right over there!” Alice said.

“UM, THANKS,” the DAFAK said curtly. “But he’s ALREADY SEEN dolphins jumping before.”

??????????

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What????

HAHAHAHA

Then he told the boy to finish his sand castle instead.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice’s jaw dropped.

What kind of response is that????

Who the hell would deprive a child of seeing a dolphin jumping???...In nature?? On the beach??

That’s some bitter, non-fun, B.S.

Child or adult, seeing a dolphin jump out of the water is all kinds of awesome. And it makes you feel special that you saw it. Like a secret.

It’s one thing for you yourself to be bitter…somehow…about dolphins.

But a boy the age of six couldn’t possibly have OVERDOSED on seeing dolphins jumping out of the water in his lifetime.

What, do they live at SeaWorld??!?!?

Alice said the little boy, following orders, took his eyes off the shore right as the dolphins resurfaced.

She had to physically cover her mouth from squeal-announcing it again when she saw three surface at once.

“…because you’ve already seen them!” Alice heard the DAFAK repeat to the boy, as if the boy had asked if he could re-watch a movie or something.

When I heard this story, I was incensed.

What the hell did HE care if the boy saw dolphins??

Was he on a time crunch to finish building his sand castle???

WHY DOES THIS GUY HATE LIFE????

Rule of thumb, ladies: If you’re dating a BAFAK who is uninterested in dolphins jumping out of the water, get out while you can.

Because he WILL turn into a DAFAK and then one day he’ll be on the beach and shit all over something magical and the stranger next to him will want nothing more than to fancy person BAFFFFFF

...all over his head.

-Jenny