Bob, this guy my friend Amanda dated last year, managed to
make being fit and athletic UN-attractive.
Oh yes, it’s possible.
Because just because you suddenly look more chiseled
doesn’t mean you can start acting like an asshole.
Amanda and Bob met at a work conference in New
York where he lived full-time and where she regularly
visited. He was 32 years old, cute, NOT a meathead and very smart.
They hit it off right away and met after the conference for
drinks and he walked her back to her hotel where they kissed goodnight.
“When am I going to see you again?” he asked.
Aww.
Amanda said she was going to be back in three months for a bachelorette party.
A month before she was set to come back to New
York , Bob texted her asking if she was still coming
to town for the party.
“I was surprised and impressed that he even remembered me mentioning it,” Amanda recalls.
She took this as thoughtfulness and planned to see him. They went out one night and said he was a perfect gentleman.
They didn’t share a bed or anything, he WASN’T A MEATHEAD, and he was very respectful.
Everyone liked him. Bob’s stock was up.
He and Amanda kept in touch after that, texting
regularly for six months, and then he offered to fly her back to New
York
Amanda
was hesitant for a second, but agreed.
He was cute and she wasn’t dating anyone.
It was
only a 48-hour trip, what could go wrong?
Ahem.
What went wrong was when Bob picked Amanda up
from the airport.
“I kid you not, he was about 10 times bigger muscle-wise from
when I met him and had grown his hair out Fabio-style,” she describes.
Amanda wondered when this super nice guy blew up to a body
builder.
Bob was also wondering something:
“You really should get into working out and eating right,”
he told Amanda, who’s in very fine shape ThankYouVeryMuch.
And then, OMG:
“Your body would be hot as hell. I can’t even imagine you if
you were in good shape.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EXCUSE ME????
IF you were in good shape?????
Oh, Bob’s new lifestyle took over most of their first evening out in New York
“So, I only eat protein and I work out every day. Want to see
pictures of me from when I was a body builder?” he asked.
Amanda said she just stared at this…stranger, unrecognizable in all aspects from
the person she thought she was meeting.
“I’m thinking about going for Mr. Manhattan next year, so I won’t be able to drink at all for a year,” he said, referring to some sort of bodybuilding competition.
“Man, I
haven’t worked out in a day, I feel lazy.”
Yes, Bob made being fit unattractive.
Amanda had already decided that it, uh, wasn’t going to work
out with her and “Mr. Manhattan,” but she muscled through (huh huh get it) their
date at a bar, where Bob spit out amazingly douchey lines.
“So…you might notice that a lot of people stare at me when we're
walking down the street. It’s because a lot of people mistake me for a
football player and they’re always looking to see who I am."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(In his very tiny penis defense, Amanda said he really was that big and
swoll, and tall.)
“Yeah girls just stare at me sometimes it’s uncomfortable.”
Amada was now wondering who killed Bob and replaced him with this
guy.
“You’ll also notice a lot of guys are going to stare at you and
try to talk to you because they’re all curious about the girl that would be
with a guy like me…especially because everyone thinks I’m a pro-football
player.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Amanda, who is HOT already, said, as if it were planned from a movie, a random
drunk guy came up to her at the bar soon after and offered to buy her a drink.
She declined.
“See, I told you guys would hit on you. It’s because you’re
with me,” Bob said smugly.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Amanda was going to say that guys hit on her ALL THE TIME,
she doesn’t need help from a veiny blockhead, when a girl Bob had been making
eyes with came up to him and told him she liked his long hair.
“Literally he does a Fabio hair-flip and says,
‘Oh, I’m growing it for Locks for Love,” Amanda recalls him saying. “You know,
trying to help where I can.”
Ah geez.
And then, no, for real he added, “I even bought
special conditioner to make sure it’s in top quality when I donate it.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Amanda was so annoyed with him that she suddenly got really “tired” and “felt sick” from “drinking too much” and said she had to go to
bed immediately…in the extra bedroom.
The next day, Amanda planned her escape, telling him
she wanted to go shopping and instead checked into a hotel for the rest of her
trip.
She insisted she go shopping alone - “I bet it would be really
boring for you” - even though Bob tempted her with, “If you're lucky, maybe I'll buy you something pretty."
Wow.
Bob doesn’t need a bodybuilding award.
He already won an award.
The award for the only guy in the
world who’s super fit, helps kids with cancer, uses conditioner AND wants to
take a chick shopping who simultaneously makes me want to vomit.
…right into his protein shake.
-Jenny
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