Thursday, September 27, 2012

Jesus saw me being born and other stories from last Saturday

Nothing shocks you in New Orleans.

For example, I paid $1 to ride through a birth canal two weeks ago. Didn’t even blink!

“Do you feel reborn?” I was asked as a water balloon was popped above my head when I “emerged.”

I had just crawled army-style through a cardboard and slip-in-slide maze, and water dripped down my face as I came out of a well-placed hole on a painted wooden board.

“It’s really slippery in there!” I said.

It was true. The slip-in-slide had been doused in baby oil.

The birth canal was just one of many sexual-related carnival games held at a park two weeks ago, a fundraiser to help a Mardi Gras krewe buy a glitter machine.

Perfectly reasonable, we said.
We lent our support.

I did not strike gold at the “gold teeth toss” since I failed to land a little white ball into a cup of water to win a pair of fake gold teeth.
I walked away empty-handed.

But then I got my palm read by Jesus for $1 and that made things all better.

Well, sort of all better.

Sure, he told me that all my dreams would come true on April 16, 2014, but then he told me my nipples will lactate uncontrollably and I must find a man who is turned on by that sort of thing.

Perhaps I could find this man on the internet, on a fetish website, Jesus suggested.

Haha. Ok Jesus.

Next was the dunking booth, although I failed to dunk anyone. I’ve never been good at that game.

I’m much better at throwing pies in people’s faces.

Group activities were sprinkled throughout the day, including a hilariously provocative dance by members of the krewe (all in carnival attire) and a guy in a donkey mask having his way with them...from behind.

(Uhh, mom you can stop reading now.)

Next was the chocolate pudding wrestling fight.

The chocolate pudding wrestling fight included 5 industrial-sized vats of pudding plopped into a kiddie pool and two guys stripped down and took their respective corners.

I realized I hadn't been to an event where guys had to disrobe in a while, and I took in the scenery as fully as I could.

Then Jesus blessed the athletes.

Did you know that it’s really hard to judge the winner in a kiddie pool chocolate pudding wrestling match?

It’s not like there’s enough room for a body slam or anything. It was eventually decided that the first person to be submerged in the brown water loses.

More wrestling matches followed, each special in their own way.

And then it was time for circle jerk.


(Really, mom. Stop reading.)

Circle Jerk is a game where six people each have a piece of rope and play tug-of-war and try not to get pulled into the middle or else get a face full of whipped cream.

Like so.

"MY SHOES HAVE TERRIBLE TRACTION!” I screamed, as I slid on the grass towards the cream pie.

I let go. Cream got on my legs.

The carnival ended handsomely with a beet-eating competition — the “beet off” if you will, hahahahaha.

A relay team had to eat 10 incredibly large beets in the fastest time for glory and a trophy. Blood-like juice stained everyone’s mouths and fingers.

Eat the beet. Eat it.

Ya'll beet off so fast!!!


Can you think of another city where a day-long carnival of sexual innuendo games would be allowed at a park?

Where Jesus could talk loudly about lactating nipples and a horny man-donkey could run amuck??

Nothing shocks you in New Orleans.

...Well, except the fact that Jesus can’t actually walk on water.


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