Friday, June 3, 2011

My Google is smarter than your honor student

Isn’t it just the WORST when your boss looks over your shoulder watching you look up something on your computer and you type TWO LETTERS into the Google word box and THIS shows up:

I’m right on top of that Rose!!!

So what, maybe I googled the Christina Applegate 90s movie classic to get a quote. Once.
A month week ago.


Have you noticed that Google has been getting too smart lately?? It’s like it knows me better than I know MYSELF.

If Google was a boy, we’d be on our 7,000,000,000th date. And he’d know everything about me.

He knows where I live — New Orleans — based on all the address and restaurant searches, and he knows I get lost a lot, so I constantly Mapquest things (with street view!!)

He knows I want to join a gym, because I’ve been doing online comparisons, and he knows I’m probably going with Anytime Fitness, despite all the negative reviews I’ve been reading on Yelp.

He knows I don’t have a pet, because I never ever search for anything pet-related.

(Although I do regularly Google this video of a dog running into a wall.)

(And this depressed kitten in a bucket. Ahahaha!! SO SAD IT’S FUNNY!)

Google knows I can’t cook, because I search “ spinach lasagna recipe” on the regular.

He knows my favorite TV show is The Office, since I constantly Google quotes and clips even though I have every episode DVR’d and have an Office quotes desk calendar.

Google knows that my favorite band is Johnny Sketch and the Dirty Notes, because when I type the letters “J-O” into the search box, the top THREE results are of the band.

More embarrassingly, Google also knows that I had a mysterious black spot on the center of my tongue, which I obviously thought was cancer, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD you do NOT want to Google image “black tongue.”

You’ve been warned.

Google also knows what caused the black spot, too.

Why else would someone Google search “Listerine Pocket Spray” aside from the fact that they wanted to write under its “feedback” section that IF YOU SPRAY IT TOO MUCH, IT TURNS YOUR TONGUE BLACK.

Um, moving on.

Google might not know that I’m a twin, but he knows I’ve been searching details of this STUPID twin convention that my twin sister, Joy, wants us to go to later this summer.

Too bad it’s in stupid Ohio, because when the convention inevitably SUCKS, we’re going to have nothing else to do.

(I know, I googled “things to do in Ohio.” Nothing. Haha.)

So, don’t let anyone else use your computer!!! Because if they were really nosy, they could learn a lot about you based on your Google search results.

I mean, you could get busted for Google searching someone’s name!!! (Yikes)

Or for your weird health symptoms. (uh black tongue)

Or whatever the top results are of the words “How to." That’s pretty telling.

How to...hide a dead body?
How to...tell your girlfriend you're gay?

(Mine is “how to tie a tie” and this was because I decided that if I ever got dressed up fancy with a guy, I’d want to tie his tie for him all sexy-like, but, holy shit, there are a LOT of steps involved.)

I’m sure there’s a way to clear out your Google search results, probably something complicated that involves “cookies” INSIDE YOUR COMPUTER.

And then no one will know about all those urban dictionary inquiries you searched for so you’ll be able to actually get the jokes you hear on the kickball field.

Uh, for example.

But if I cleared out all my results, then I’d have to start all over with another Google, one that needs to learn that when I search “live wire” that means the New Orleans radio station’s music listings.

And when I type “shit my dad says” I want the twitter account, not a bio of William effing Shatner.

And when I type the word “tool,” obviously I mean “Toolbag Tuesday.”



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