Tuesday, June 28, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I didn’t think guys had any standards stipulations for dating, ever, until my friend Samantha told me that a guy on a first date told her that “he didn’t want to have any physical intimacy” for 90 days.

90 days!

Like a deadline.

Oh and that includes kissing/making out.

Uhhhhhhh

I know, I know. 

That’s pretty ballsy.

LOL

Samantha was notably concerned about this rule.

If this was a religious statement of purity, then the relationship DEFINIETLY wouldn’t work.

Samantha and Louis met through a mutual friend and that friend didn’t mention anything about religion. 

Only that he was successful and cute. And a bit older, like 40.

She asked him his reason.

“I’ve started relationships with sex before and it’s gotten me nowhere,” Louis said, on their date. “And I really want to find ‘the one’ so then next time I am intimate with someone, it’s going to be with the person I’m going to be with forever.”

GULP.

NO PRESSURE!!!

Samantha responded to his stipulation with a stipulation:

“Well, I’m going to have to know that the person I’m going to marry is good in bed, so….”

LOL

“Do you want a list of references?” Louis asked.

UGH

That’s pretty ballsy.

Because Samantha was also ready to settle down and was having a hard time finding a single, cute, successful guy to date, she found Louis and his weird rule intriguing. 

So she agreed to a second date.

This then started a long and somewhat deep emotional relationship where they’d talk on the phone for over an hour each night before bed, see each other every free evening, text all day.

They got along, they had the same interests and aspirations and clicked on all levels. 

Louis was seemingly in it to win it (at least with his abstinence.)

But Samantha was frustrated that he’d put his arm around her and be flirty but they had YET to even peck after date FIVE. 

This was getting really weird, Louis.

Does 90 HOURS of talking on the phone count?

Plus, Samantha was getting really antsy in the pantsy area. 

LOL

Almost two months after their first date, Samantha flew to New York for work.

She and Louis still talked every night, even when she was at her hotel room. Even Saturday night for a few minutes, while he was hosting a dinner party.

“Wish you were here!” he told her.

On Sunday morning, Louis texted her about his plans for the day “maybe some brunch,” asking about her flight details.

She then got a text from her girl friend with something concerning.

“Check Louis’ Facebook page. I don’t think you’ll like it”

??????????

Samantha saw him tagged in several photos from his house party with him CANOODLING with a very pretty blonde at his house.

ughhhh

They were smushed together on his overstuffed chair, his arm around her, smiling nose-to-nose, PHYSICALLY CLOSER TO HER THAN HE HAD EVER BEEN WITH SAMANTHA.

UHHHHHH

He and Samantha had talked during the party. 

Did he call her when this other chick went to the bathroom?? 

That’s pretty ballsy.

Also: LOL 40-year-olds don’t know what tagging on Facebook means.

She ignored his texts and THEN SHE SAW A PICTURE OF HIM TAGGED AT BRUNCH WITH THE SAME CHICK.

The next morning.

It was a complete WTF.

“Are you…dating other people?” was Samantha’s first line to him when she got back into town.

“Well…kind of,” Louis said.

Samantha laid into him about how disappointing that was, asked him when did he have time to start seeing someone else with their 10 hours of phone calls a day????....And what, she goes out of town for one weekend and he suddenly has some other girl all ready to come over??

“OK OK FINE…” Louis said. “The truth is, I’m a recovering sex addict and I need female attention and I got really bored when you were out of town.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>bomb<<<<<

????????????????

THEN: "...but YOU'RE the person I really want to be with and when we sleep together I really do want it to be special."

UHHHHHHHHH

LOL
LOL
LOL

>>click<<<

Knee him in the balls(y).

-Jenny

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

After months of applying and waiting and proving she's a responsible adult and signing her name 5,000 times, my friend Aimee got approved for a loan to buy a house.

Her real estate agent, a cute, but married, guy named Hank, called her to tell her the good news.

Aimee and Hank had been in constant communication every day about the home buying and had developed a friendly relationship.

“We have to celebrate!” Hank texted her the day the news came in. 

“Meet me and my wife for drinks at the Pelican Bar after work tonight!”

Uhhhhh…

She wondered: Is it normally cool for married guys to buy a congratulatory drink for their hot, single lady clients on a Tuesday night?

The Pelican Bar was nowhere near where Aimee lived (or where she was about to live), but it was a bar she and Hank bonded over because even though it’s dingy and a hole in the wall, they both liked it.

Aimee had never met Hank's wife before, and hoped it wouldn’t be awkward.

LOL (foreshowing.)

Aimee assumed that since he invited his wife, it must be fine. She told herself she would even order a glass of champagne to celebrate the milestone.

But, when she got to the Pelican Bar, Hank was alone at the bar.

The bar. 

Not a three-person table.

“Cheers!” Hank said when he saw Aimee walk in the door. 

“Thanks,” Aimee said settling in. She figured his wife must still be on her way. It was the start of happy hour; she had just come from work herself.

An hour and three drinks later, Hank’s wife still didn’t show up. Aimee was having such a good time chatting with Hank, she didn’t think twice about it.

…Until his wife showed up.

OMG

“She came barreling into the bar making a huge scene,” Aimee recalls.

??????????????

Why would she make a scene when she was invited?

LOL

She came up to Hank, pointed at him and screamed, “I KNEW YOU’D BE HERE! “I KNEW you’d be here having drinks with a woman!” 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG

Mortifying.

Obviously Hank’s “invitation” for his wife to join them was not received.

Or mailed.

Aimee tried to pipe in with, “Wait, no….he’s my realtor…” in response to her, “I’M HIS WIFE!!!”

OMG.

Hank got up and quickly escorted his wife outside.

…Leaving Aimee to stare wide-eyed at the bartender and the rest of the Pelican Bar patrons.

“What the hell?” Aimee asked Hank when he returned to the bar, alone.

What did he do with his wife???

“God, she just overreacts all the time,” Hank said. “She’s so dramatic!”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT!!?!?!

People were still staring.

Aimee tried to make sense of the situation because she still had hope that he was innocent.

“Wait… why was she so confused about you being here? You said you invited her!” Aimee pointed out.

Hank waved the thought away as if it was meaningless and not a central and important fucking point.

“She just likes to overreact,” he said.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

NO ONE IS BUYING THAT HOUSE STORY, HANK.

But Aimee pressed on.

“But wait….how did she ‘know’ you would be here? Do you come here a lot after work without telling her?”

Hank kept deflecting Aimee’s questions.

And then he asked her if she wanted another drink.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL

Creep.

Aimee told him no thanks and then excused herself from the bar.

Unlike her home loan, Hank’s story just didn’t add up.

These realtors never tell you about these unforeseen closing costs!!!!

LOL

Let’s just hope they get divorced, and his wife gets their house.

-Jenny

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I have no idea what the proper mourning is after breaking up with someone after six years together. And an engagement. 

But I’m pretty sure that you’re a douchebag if TWO WEEKS after you and your fiancée decide to end things, you book a trip across the world with your female co-worker. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But this was exactly what Ryan, who was engaged to my friend Kathy, did. 

It’s not like Kathy was a horrible person who cheated on him and this was some "revenge" trip. 

They had just been fighting for a while and decided the last fight was the last straw. 

And while Kathy was sad and crying, moving her things out of his place, Ryan decided the best idea was to get busy making plans for a trip with a female co-worker. 

And he brought it to whole ‘nother shitty level: the flight he booked was to the location where he and Kathy got engaged. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL 

REALLY DUDE??!??!?? 

There really is no comforting someone whose ex is that inconsiderate.

Let’s ask the obvious question: How long exactly HAD he and his co-worker been secretly horny for each other??? 

Ugh

Newsflash: Engaged guys don’t usually have another chick ready to travel around the world with them two weeks after they break up with their fiancée.

Of course, Ryan hadn’t told Kathy about his travel plans. 

But this new chick (who apparently isn’t very considerate herself) decided to tag Ryan in her PUBLIC Facebook status with her flight itinerary“feeling EXCITED!—WITH RYAN!” 

For all of their Facebook friends to see.

How MORTIFYING! 

Kathy was so horrified, she hacked into Ryan’s account and changed his “relationship status” from engaged to widowed (LOL). 

Hahahahaha 

...And then she may or may not have posted a status update as him announcing what a tool he was. 

Of course Ryan called her “crazy” when he found out what she had done. 

Because that’s what assholes do when they book a flight to another hemisphere with another girl, and pretend like it shouldn’t piss off their ex-fiancée

HEY, RYAN: NO GIRL IN THE WORLD WOULD BE OK WITH THEIR EX GOING ON A TRIP TO THEIR ENGAGEMENT LOCATION WITH ANOTHER GIRL, TWO WEEKS AFTER THEY BREAK UP. 

RIGHT!?!?!? 

AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS???!!?? 

WHAT UNIVERSE IS THIS?

He’s LUCKY the worst that happened was that she made a Facebook status update about it. 

HE’S LUCKY SHE DIDN’T CALL TSA AND REPORT HIM AS A TERROR THREAT! 

It would be fitting you know...

She did after all, dodge a bullet. 

-Jenny
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