Tuesday, November 11, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

First of all, happy Veterans Day to everyone who has ever worn a military uniform. 
Every year, I find it more poignant what military men and women go through and what they sacrifice for their country, and they have my utmost respect. 

Speaking of respect.....

Let’s talk about this complete HORNBALL CREEP my friend Katie went out with a few weeks ago.

Chris was really cute and nice for about four minutes until he grabbed HER ASS and pulled her towards him to try and kiss her.

UGH.

And NO, THEY DID NOT MEET ON TINDER!!!

They actually met in the cutest way possible—at the grocery store. 

It could have been a perfect story for their grandchildren: Katie saw him in produce....she walked over and asked him about radishes...they talked and he got her number.

Happily ever after, right???!!?

UGH.

Katie was so excited to meet Chris at this cozy little wine bar a few days later on a cold Saturday night and was pleasantly surprised to find he was as good-looking as he was standing among the organic fruit. 

She sat next to him and ordered a glass of wine and FOUR MINUTES LATER, right as they started chatting about real things like jobs and where they were each from, Chris started getting hands-y.

Katie said he put his HAND ON HER ASS to move her body and her chair closer to him and kept side-hugging her.

“Ummm...ok let’s slow down,” Katie said, as she pulled away.

Then he tried to make out with her.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEWSFLASH: A girl does not want to make out with you after meeting you for 30 seconds. 

She can think you’re cute, or be interested in getting to know you more after 30 seconds, but she’s not interested in making out.

(If she is interested in making out with you after 30 seconds, she’s drunk.)

Katie was not drunk. Barely four sips into her wine and she was growing more and more disappointed in what she thought would be a nice connection with a cute guy who shops organic.

She kept pulling away from him, trying to get the message across, but another NEWSFLASH: Hornball creeps don't get messages.

She kept bringing the conversation back to non-sexualized territory...oh, you’re from Connecticut? but it always came back to his hand on her ASS. 

And he just parked it there!! His hand resting on her ass.

(I envision the cringe-worthy couples who would put their hands in each other’s back pockets from the 80s).

How awkward

Katie said that any conversation was completely USELESS when she realized this 31-YEAR-OLD GUY couldn’t keep his hands off of her, like he’s been in prison for the past ten years or something. 

And she said he wasn’t even drunk!

How disrespectful!
Did he do this with everyone???

...Because she gave him zero indication that she was interested in that type of behavior. 

She was wearing long sleeves for crying out loud.

That’s when she said Chris gave her yet ANOTHER random side-hug but this time his hand found its way to her left boob instead of her waist. 

HE GRABBED HER BOOB!!!!

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Katie yelled pushing him off immediately and fixing her shirt. “You can’t just GRAB MY BOOBS!”

“But they’re so...big!” Chris said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He didn't even try and deny it!!

“THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN GRAB THEM!” Katie shouted. “THAT’S ASSAULT!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH

WHO DOES THAT??? 

Was he a high school guy at prom?!?!? 

He was 31 years old!!!

The cops could very well have been called.

Katie told him she was going to leave when Chris—the HORNBALL CREEP WHO DOESN’T GET MESSAGES—actually said....actually said, “Well, do you want to come to my place for a nightcap?”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“NO,” Katie said and she should have left right then, but she waited to make sure Chris was going to pay the tab for her one glass of wine. 

(Was he cheap AND a creep?)

He did pay, but not surprisingly, Katie said Chris asked her 13 more times if she was “sure she didn’t want to come over.”

“I’m not exaggerating, he asked me 13 more times after I initially said no,” Katie recalls.

Chris then asked her, “Why not? Did you have a bad experience going over to some guy’s house?”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...LIKE THAT’S ANY OF HIS BUSINESS.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGGGHHHHHHHH

And then: “Please come over. I’m BEGGING YOU at this point,” he said.

BEGGING!!

Riiight, super hard decision. THEY’D KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 35 MINUTES. And he groped her for 31.

It was shocking. 

SHOCKING that Chris was walking around as this seemingly normal guy when he clearly has major problems.

Hornball creep problems.

GRABBING HER BOOB!?!?!

Jesus.

STICK A RADISH UP YOUR ASS, CHRIS!!

Or better yet...stick your...CARROT...into a food processor and put all the ladies out of their misery.

YUCK.

-Jenny

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