Tuesday, June 17, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

They say New Orleans is a small city because everyone knows everyone (or their mamma), but no one ever says why or how everyone knows everyone.  

I know why.

It’s because you don’t say just say you’re from New Orleans in front of a stranger who is ALSO from New Orleans without following that up with a five-minute conversation about where you both went to high school, where you both grew up, and if you know so-and-so, who ALSO went to that high school and who ALSO grew up in that neighborhood.

And you always know someone in common. 

So now you’ve made a new NOLA native friend, who will report back to the mutual friend that you’ve met.  And the friend circle gets bigger. 

It’s…science.

This is especially the case with people (New Orleans natives or not) who are living outside of their home state, very far away from it, and meet people who are also from their home state.

For example, if two strangers from North Dakota notice their matching IDs at a bar in Florida, they’re going to have a conversation about North Dakota and why they’re in Florida. 

At least a little conversation.

AmIRight??

I’M RIGHT.

It’s…science.

This is why, if you’re going to date TWO WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME, make sure they are not from the same, uh, out-of-state state.

Because chances are if they bump into each other and find out they are both from the SAME FAR-AWAY PLACE, they’re going to have a conversation and maybe even try to be friends. 

This dumbass guy, Chris, did not take this into consideration. 

He decided to date two women at the same time, who were both from Michigan. All three of them lived in South Carolina.

Chris met his girlfriend(s) in one city in South Carolina but moved to a different city to get his Master’s degree, which was about a two-hour drive away. He was in a long-distance relationship with them both.

And he was properly playing the shit out of them both because they both thought they were in an exclusive relationship with him.

And then seriously, seriously, seriously, this happened: When Chris was away at school, the two women met randomly…at a bar.

In any other circumstances, they wouldn’t have said more than two words to each other, but they found out that they both were from Michigan. 

“Ahhh!!! What part?”

“What are you doing here??”

(Go blue!!??)

The two women were now BFFs at the bar, chatting it up, asking if the other would ever move back, asking what they were up to in South Carolina.

Oh, you’re waiting on your boyfriend to finish up school??? 

YOU TOO?!?!?

!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took under 15 minutes for them to realize that their boyfriends had the same name, and were both getting the same Master’s degree at the same school.

They turned....red.

Then, THEY EACH PULLED OUT THEIR PHONES AND SHOWED THE OTHER A PICTURE OF CHRIS. 

Yea… the same guy. 

THE SAME GUY!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jaws dropped.

WTF!!!!?!

I would DIE. 

DIE!!!

They were both horrified. 

Chris was two hours away, clueless.

IDIOT.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF CAMRADERIE!!!  

HOMETOWN PRIDE!!!

Ugh.

Two girlfriends at the same time. 

Classic toolbag behavior. 

But I guess they got off good - They didn't need to go through his text messages to find out he was cheating. 

No one had to "catch him in the act."

No, thanks to the great state of Michigan, they were able to uncover the asshole with very little fuss. Without him even being there.

And then Chris went from having TWO girlfriends to having NO girlfriends. 

And since the scene played out so publicly, everybody now knows what happened and exactly what Chris did.

Which is no good in a small city.

It might get back to his mamma.

-Jenny

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