Tuesday, May 20, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Men who are insecure are a special kind of crazy because they didn’t get any practice feeling insecure their whole lives like girls did, so they don’t know how to handle it.

Girls know how to handle feeling insecure: They ask their significant other to tell them sweet things, demand a compliment or two or, uh…50 and, you know, cry.

“Do you think she’s…prettier than I am?”

…said no guy ever.

Because guys don’t ask for compliments. And I have never heard of a guy asking a girlfriend to tell him something “sweet."

So what happens, then, when he feels insecure about his relationship?

BAT-SHIT CRAZY TIME!!!!

Carlos, this guy my friend Brittany dated, was incredibly insecure and he would routinely fly off the handle when he didn’t get enough attention/love/compliments.

But rather than tell her, “I’m insecure about BLAH. Make me pancakes in the shape of a heart!” (um…for example), he decided that he would accuse her of liking someone else.

Like a, “Do you think he’s prettier than me?”

But he didn’t phrase it as a question. It was an accusation.

…and that “someone else” she supposedly liked was his roommate and good friend.

“I can just HEAR the way you guys talk to each other!” Carlos would say whenever he was feeling particularly blue.

Now, before you think that this scenario isn’t all that far-fetched (girlfriend/boyfriend liking your roommate…dammit), keep in mind that Brittany was absolutely not interested in the roommate, and the roommate’s preference in ladies was one of a different race.

As such, it was extremely unlikely the two of them were having a secret affair or whispering behind Carlos’ back when he went to the bathroom. 

But Carlos didn’t really believe it, though, since he never once mentioned it to his roommate.

He only mentioned his delusional scenario to Brittany, perhaps in an attempt to get her to reassure him that HE was her one and only.

But the plan backfired because Brittany was not feeling very complimentary after that. She was feeling pissed that he would suggest that she’d cheat on him with ANYONE, let alone a friend and roommate.

And this cycle continued for months. 

Brittany said she didn’t know what to do about it, so she just started to not talk to his roommate when she’d come over, which was weird and led to glares from Carlos about all the “tension” in the room.

Hahahaha

Hahahahaha

NOBODY WINS!

The final straw came after four months of putting up with this behavior in what I think would be a hilarious scene in a movie.

Carlos, Brittney and his roommate, after a long night of drinking, ended up at a late-night pizza place. Carlos wasn’t hungry, but Brittany and the roommate were, and they were looking at the menu.

Yes, they wanted pizza. They wanted more than just a slice.

“Do you maybe just want to split a pizza?” the roommate asked. Brittney’s teeth immediately clenched together and she could FEEL Carlos’ eyes on her.

Please no please no please no please don’t ask me that.

She didn’t respond.

“Yea,” said the clueless roommate, closing the menu. “Let’s get this special pizza, I hear it’s really good.”

That’s when Carlos “excused himself from the booth” Brittany said, hahahahahahaha, to go sit 20 feet away from them at the bar by himself. 

Because he was CLEARLY the third wheel in this super hot pizza love story.

Brittany followed him.

“OH, SO YOU’RE SHARING A PIZZA??” he seethed. “GREAT. REALLY GREAT!

Hahaha 

(Ed. note: SHARING A PIZZA??? THE HORROR!!! HOW DARE SHE BE SO DISRESPECTFUL???)

“Why are you acting like this?” Brittany asked. She then laid out the facts: 

It’s just a pizza. 
It’s your roommate.
I’m your girlfriend. 
He likes black girls. 
I’m white. 

"How many times do I have to go over this?”

But Carlos was unable to be soothed about them sharing a meal, and actually used the word "rude."

Hahahahaha

Brittany promptly went back to the table and told the roommate that she wasn’t hungry anymore and left to go home, alone.

The next day, she evaluated what happened and decided THAT was it.

No one was going to make her feel bad for sharing a damn pizza with someone else!!

Who gets threatened by that???

Ugh. 

Carlos should have just stuck to asking her for compliments.

Like, "Do you think he's….”

“No, Carlos, I don't think anyone...is as bat shit crazy as you.”

Ha

-Jenny

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