Tuesday, January 21, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY


Ryan’s rules for how to date a girl: Be schizophrenic.

That way you get the best of both worlds. You can talk like you want to get married and settle down, but then act like you just want a casual relationship!

(No, that won’t piss anyone off.)

Ryan, a hot boat salesman, met my friend Lena at happy hour one day and they started dating.

It had been a month and they were having a great time and Lena started hinting that they be exclusive, to which Ryan didn’t respond.

Shortly after that, Ryan announced that he was going out of town for the weekend, just to get away, and that he’d call Lena during the trip.

But he didn’t. He didn’t call her once the whole weekend and when Monday came, Lena was still staring at her phone.

“I actually worried about him and thought something had happened to him,” she recalls.

After several attempts to reach him, Ryan finally got back with her Wednesday. 

It turns out he was just fine, he was, uh, deliberately avoiding her.

Why would he do such a thing??

“He had decided that I was so great and wonderful that he could never be the man I deserve,” Lena recalls.

Hahahahahaha

(It’s not you, it’s ME.)

We all called B.S. and figured this was his way of getting out of the relationship. 

But then Ryan became schizophrenic.

Not even a week later, he started texting and calling again, telling Lena that he really DID want to live happily ever after with her.

“He would blow up my phone telling me he wanted to marry me one day and I was so beautiful and amazing that he was scared,” Lena said.

Hahahahahahaha

Lena, of course, fell for this, and they started casually dating once more. 

But after a month Ryan suddenly got cold feet, saying he’s not ready for a "real commitment."

Hahahaha

(Yea...he’s not schizophrenicHe's a liar.)

It was infuriatingHE would propose all these marriage fantasies to Lena, and then crush them along with her hopes and dreams. 

...Over and over.

Ugh. 
How self-entitled.

It’s like my former cat when he acted like he wanted to go outside but then would stare at the open door while I stood there holding it for him like an asshole.

It was his favorite game. 

Ryan was playing a similar game with Lena in order to keep her standing there like an asshole. 

(I want to marry you, NO I DON'T. I want to be with you forever. NO I DON'T. I want to love you. WHERE'S THE TUNA FISH)

Unfortunately, Lena kept falling for it, and the cycle continued for four months - Ryan saying that he wants to pre-order a white picket fence for them (not really), but then telling her after a few weeks that all of these plans (that HE proposed) were just “too much.”

“Too overwhelming.”

Ugh.

SHUT THE DOOR, LENA.

This guy’s not going anywhere.

-Jenny

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