Tuesday, November 5, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Bob, this guy my friend Amanda dated last year, managed to make being fit and athletic UN-attractive.

Oh yes, it’s possible.

Because just because you suddenly look more chiseled doesn’t mean you can start acting like an asshole.

Amanda and Bob met at a work conference in New York where he lived full-time and where she regularly visited. He was 32 years old, cute, NOT a meathead and very smart.

They hit it off right away and met after the conference for drinks and he walked her back to her hotel where they kissed goodnight.

“When am I going to see you again?” he asked.

Aww.

Amanda said she was going to be back in three months for a bachelorette party.

A month before she was set to come back to New York, Bob texted her asking if she was still coming to town for the party.

I was surprised and impressed that he even remembered me mentioning it,” Amanda recalls.

She took this as thoughtfulness and planned to see him. They went out one night and said he was a perfect gentleman. 

They didn’t share a bed or anything, he WASN’T A MEATHEAD, and he was very respectful.

Everyone liked him. Bob’s stock was up.


He and Amanda kept in touch after that, texting regularly for six months, and then he offered to fly her back to New York for a football game. 

Amanda was hesitant for a second, but agreed.

He was cute and she wasn’t dating anyone.

It was only a 48-hour trip, what could go wrong?

Ahem.

What went wrong was when Bob picked Amanda up from the airport. 

“I kid you not, he was about 10 times bigger muscle-wise from when I met him and had grown his hair out Fabio-style,” she describes.

Amanda wondered when this super nice guy blew up to a body builder.

Bob was also wondering something:

“You really should get into working out and eating right,” he told Amanda, who’s in very fine shape ThankYouVeryMuch.  

And then, OMG:

“Your body would be hot as hell.  I can’t even imagine you if you were in good shape.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCUSE ME???? 

IF you were in good shape?????

Oh, Bob’s new lifestyle took over most of their first evening out in New York.

“So, I only eat protein and I work out every day. Want to see pictures of me from when I was a body builder?” he asked.

Amanda said she just stared at this…stranger, unrecognizable in all aspects from the person she thought she was meeting.

“I’m thinking about going for Mr. Manhattan next year, so I won’t be able to drink at all for a year,” he said, referring to some sort of bodybuilding competition.

“Man, I haven’t worked out in a day, I feel lazy.”

Yes, Bob made being fit unattractive.

Amanda had already decided that it, uh, wasn’t going to work out with her and “Mr. Manhattan,” but she muscled through (huh huh get it) their date at a bar, where Bob spit out amazingly douchey lines.

“So…you might notice that a lot of people stare at me when we're walking down the street.  It’s because a lot of people mistake me for a football player and they’re always looking to see who I am."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(In his very tiny penis defense, Amanda said he really was that big and swoll, and tall.)

“Yeah girls just stare at me sometimes it’s uncomfortable.”

Amada was now wondering who killed Bob and replaced him with this guy.

“You’ll also notice a lot of guys are going to stare at you and try to talk to you because they’re all curious about the girl that would be with a guy like me…especially because everyone thinks I’m a pro-football player.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Amanda, who is HOT already, said, as if it were planned from a movie, a random drunk guy came up to her at the bar soon after and offered to buy her a drink.

She declined.

“See, I told you guys would hit on you. It’s because you’re with me,” Bob said smugly.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Amanda was going to say that guys hit on her ALL THE TIME, she doesn’t need help from a veiny blockhead, when a girl Bob had been making eyes with came up to him and told him she liked his long hair.

“Literally he does a Fabio hair-flip and says, ‘Oh, I’m growing it for Locks for Love,” Amanda recalls him saying.  “You know, trying to help where I can.”

Ah geez.

And then, no, for real he added, “I even bought special conditioner to make sure it’s in top quality when I donate it.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA

Amanda was so annoyed with him that she suddenly got really “tired” and “felt sick” from “drinking too much” and said she had to go to bed immediately…in the extra bedroom.

The next day, Amanda planned her escape, telling him she wanted to go shopping and instead checked into a hotel for the rest of her trip. 

She insisted she go shopping alone - “I bet it would be really boring for you” - even though Bob tempted her with, “If you're lucky, maybe I'll buy you something pretty."

Wow.

Bob doesn’t need a bodybuilding award.

He already won an award. 

The award for the only guy in the world who’s super fit, helps kids with cancer, uses conditioner AND wants to take a chick shopping who simultaneously makes me want to vomit.

…right into his protein shake.


-Jenny

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