Tuesday, September 25, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s fascinating how many guys think it’s OK to cheat at their bachelor party.
With a stripper.

Ugh.

NEWSFLASH!!! Reality isn’t suspended just because you walk into a den of nudity, hair extensions and six-inch heels.

...wait, you guys DO know that, right?

It’s also fascinating that guys who cheat at their bachelor party don’t think their fiancée will find out about it
hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Because chances are if your friends are dumb enough to let you blatantly cheat a month before your wedding, they’re dumb enough to tell their own girlfriends about it.

And then you're in a pickle about whether you should tell your significant other about your weakness for strippers, or just hope she doesn’t hear it from someone else.

In my opinion, coming clean is the best way, since it involves a significant amount of humiliation.

Ha.

NO, BUT IT’S TRUE!!!

If there are ANY brownie points to be redeemed, it’s that the cheater is honest and apologizes and grovels, grovels, grovels.

…the exact OPPOSITE of what Joel, my friend Aimee’s husband, did.

Joel gets zero brownie points.
Now that I think about it, let’s not let Joel have any brownies, ever.

Joel did, in fact, cheat on Aimee at his bachelor party. With a stripper.

He sat her down one day and said he wanted to talk to her about something important. But instead of apologizing, or crying, OR GROVELING, he told her matter-of-factly, as if he was reading her the 10-day weather forecast.

“At my bachelor party, I hooked up with a stripper.”

!!!!!!

Joel then made it clear that he wasn’t telling her out of good conscience.

He was only doing it because one of his dumb friends told his own wife about it, and she decided that she would tell Aimee if no one else did.

Which is exactly what Joel relayed back.

“I’m telling you this because Mallory said that she’d tell you if no one else did, and I wanted you to hear it from me,” Joel said.

Aw. How sweet. He was looking out for her...feelings.

Also sweet of him?
Breaking this news FIVE MONTHS AFTER THEY WERE MARRIED.

FIVE MONTHS!!!

What was she supposed to do with this information NOW?

Aimee said there was no apology, no regard for how mortified she felt. Joel made sure to phrase the whole thing in a Mallory-hating way, as if this was all her fault.

MALLORY’S FAULT!!!

Aimee screamed that he’s a LIAR and a CHEATER and other choice words.

Joel then insisted that it wasn’t his idea to hook up with the stripper, it was his FRIENDS who forced him to.

“Your friends?,” Aimee asked, furious. “You mean your friends who STOOD IN OUR WEDDING?”

Joel nodded, and then bashed all of their characters.

Which ended up backfiring.

Because Aimee said since THAT WAS THE CASE, the only way she’d forgive him is if he cut off contact with every single “friend” who was at the bachelor party.

(nice.)

Of course, Mallory could still hang out.

Hahahahaha

No baking brownies though.

-Jenny

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