Tuesday, March 13, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

One of my least favorite expressions used to be “have your cake and eat it, too.”

I didn't get it.

What's the point of having cake if you’re just supposed to stare at it instead of eating it? It was confusing.

Last week, though, I changed my mind.

It’s all thanks to Alan, this guy who dated my friend Julie. Because that expression is the perfect analogy for him!!

He should be on the cover of “I want my cake and eat it, too” magazine!!!! (Uhh...cancel my subscription.)

By cake, I mean women. Alan had all the women in the world and then he wanted
to eat more.

Alan was good-looking, a musician and a serial dater. Several women decided that spending even a little bit of time with him was better than none at all.

On his first date with Julie, he broke down his situation.

“I date a
lot of people and I need everyone involved to be cool with that,” Alan said coolly, super nonchalant. “And everyone already knows about everyone else, so it’s not like I’m lying or hiding anything.”

Somehow Julie found Alan’s honesty endearing and she still went out with him. When he found the time, of course.

Now, I’m not hating on playing the field. But don’t
rub your multiple conquests in your other girlfriends’ faces.

Like, maybe just say you’re busy, end of sentence, on Thursday instead of revealing that you have a super romantic date with someone else.

And, when you realize that a person you’re dating is starting to fall for you in an
exclusive way, you need to address that.

Cut off the hangers-on, perhaps??
Dump everyone and start new?

Not Alan.
Alan turned his bevy of women into a competition.

He had them all hooked --- uh, line and sinker--- including my poor friend Julie.

He would pick and choose them as his date for different things, and then tell everyone else about it.

POLYGAMIST HUGH HEFNER BLECH!!!!!

I listened in horror as Julie told me that only “Sarah” was allowed to go visit his 2-year-old kid, who lived in another state.

Only “Erica” was chosen to watch his dogs when he went out of town
to meet other women on business.

“And everyone is just OK with this???” I asked. No, she said.

She cried and bitched about it (a few times) but Alan would say that he told her about his situation and she needed to either get on board or leave.

Julie said another woman came by his house crying about the same thing as Julie was over, in his bed.

It was so gross.
I’m surprised none of them shot each other.

Despite my “dump the bastard” motivational speech, Julie stayed with Alan.

Several of the other women had started dropping out of the race. It was down to three now, and Julie wanted to be his cake (that he would eat, too).

But she remained stressed out about where she “fit” into Alan’s life.
She certainly wasn’t his kid or pet person. The only thing they had in common was that they liked the same music and she was his go-to date to hear bands coming through town.

Congratulations, I said.

But every girl has her breaking point. After MONTHS of competing with all these other women, Alan finally was ridiculous enough so that Julie opened her eyes.

He was leaving town to go to his 15-year high school reunion. He was going to stay for a whole week to visit his parents and relax.

“Can I spend the night at your place and you can bring me to the airport tomorrow morning?” he asked Julie.

She was thrilled that he chose to be with HER his last night in town.

“Yes!” she said.
The next day, Julie drove Alan to the airport and told him she was going to miss him and call her, blah blah blah.

That’s when she saw Sarah, a.k.a. “I’m allowed to meet Alan’s kid," waiting outside the Delta Airlines entrance.

“What is SHE doing here?” Julie asked, heart dropped.

“Oh, Sarah’s coming with me to the reunion,” he said, taking his bag out of Julie’s trunk.

“WHAT??? HOW COME YOU DIDN’T INVITE ME??”

“Because you drink too much and I don’t want you to embarrass me at the reunion,” he said. “This is more of Sarah’s kind of thing.”

“EXCUSE ME???”

OMG.

“WHY DIDN’T SHE JUST BRING YOU TO THE AIRPORT THEN???” Julie screamed as Sarah looked over.

“Because I wanted to spend time with
youuuuu before I left town,” he said, trying to be cute.

That’s when Julie realized she was done. DONE.

She wasn’t someone to pick and choose where she could go, or to be his god damn cab driver while he whisked another woman away to meet his high school friends. It was humiliating.

CAKE!!!! CAKE!!!!! CAKE!!!!

“It’s over,” Julie said walking back to the driver’s side.

He smugly replied, “We’ll talk when I get back,” and joined Sarah on their way towards the security line.

Julie meant it, thankfully, and did not give in when a sobbing Alan called months later saying everyone had left him and he was all alone, and “
please!!! Let’s be exclusive! I know that’s what you wanted!!!”

Julie said he sounded so sad, crying into the phone, all alone.

Haha. He was having CAKE withdrawals.

He should have been egged.

-Jenny

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