Tuesday, November 22, 2011

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Some guys just don’t respect the sanctity of the B.F.F’S (.....+E +E!)

They don’t care how long girl friends have been best friends, even if it’s been a lifetime, and decide that it’s OK to sleep with both of them, ruining deep-rooted friendships forever.

How many discarded B.F.F. necklaces end up in the trash because of this????

This was exactly what Andrew did with my two best friends, who, lucky for me, were my roommates at the time.

It was the summer after college and Andrew was properly dating one roommate, Becca, and then sleeping with another roommate, Samantha, on the side.

WHAT COULD GO WRONG???

Yes, Samantha was also a toolbag here, but we were all 22 years old at the time. Wet behind the ears!
Andrew was 31 years old.

31. Like almost the same age as someone who can run for President of the United States.

He absolutely should have known better.

“YOU OLD EFFING MAN!!” I remember screaming at him one night when everyone’s friendship was ruined on his behalf. “WHY ARE YOU EFFING WITH 22-YEAR-OLD’S LIVES?”

Even before Becca CAUGHT Andrew and Samantha...together...doing it, his existence ruined the balance of peace in our apartment.

We had all been best friends for five years, and I had been best friends with Samantha for 15 years. It only took six months for Andrew to unravel it.

I used to roll my eyes whenever I heard his voice in the living room.
He would come over under the guise of being with Becca, yet flirt with Samantha incessantly.

It was done in a teasing way that makes a guy’s current girlfriend uncomfortable when witnessing it.

He laughed at all of Samantha’s jokes and paid 1000% attention to her, and then he’d suddenly have something to do and leave our apartment feeling smug.

This went on for months.

Becca would cry when he didn’t text her and crumble into the fetal position on the floor, like many 22-year-olds do when they think they’ve met the 31-year-old man of their dreams.

One night at a bar, I got pissed when Andrew and Samantha spent 20 minutes “listening to CDs” in her car, just the two of them.

It was something Becca would have LOVED to do with Andrew, but she wasn’t there, and I was stuck in the position of having to believe them when they said only music was on the agenda.

“Why don’t you just end things with Becca?” I snapped at Andrew when Samantha went inside the bar. (He and I never got along.)

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said.

“Well, you clearly like Samantha,” I said.

I thought he was the most pathetic person I’d ever met.

Here he was, 31-YEARS OLD, playing two 22-YEAR-OLD ROOMMATES, and he knew he was cracking the bonds of friendship among everyone in the apartment.

And he didn’t do anything to fix it. He didn't give a shit!

He still didn’t give a shit when Becca surprised him at his house one day and caught him and Samantha DOING IT, on his boat floating in the creek behind his house.

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM TOGETHER??!?!” Becca wailed at all of us other roommates when she came home.

And that’s when everyone took sides and severed their friendship with Samantha and I was forced to move out because I couldn’t take the in-fighting.

Until I moved, however, I still had to deal with Andrew being around, DRIVING OVER TO OUR APARTMENT TO PICK SAMANTHA UP.

Oh god.

Despite the fact that he was responsible for breaking up an entire clan of girl friends who were not talking to one another, he STILL CAME OVER TO SPEND THE NIGHT.

ONE ROOM AWAY FROM WHERE HE USED TO SLEEP.

Some people would call that balls.
I call them old, pathetic balls.

One for each piece of a B.F.F. necklace

...that should be jammed into his scrotum.

-Jenny

4 comments:

  1. "I call them old pathetic balls."

    If we hadn't already gotten in trouble for being loud instead of quietly pretending to work...I would have laughed out loud.

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  2. Clearly there are no shortage of toolbags...

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  3. While duder is *undeniably* a massive toolbag, does none of the blame fall on Samantha for having sex with her best friend's boyfriend? Unless he had some magic irresistible charm, or raped her, I think she did plenty herself to toss that BFF necklace in the trash. I understand it's hard to view someone close to you in such a light, but Samantha was being a pretty shitty friend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Don't you see? It is a blog about dudes being toolbags because only dudes can be toolbags. Get it?

    ReplyDelete

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