Tuesday, March 1, 2011

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There comes a point in the dating scene when it’s hard to find people without baggage.

You’d be hard-pressed to find, for example, someone hovering around the 30-year-old mark who hasn’t already lived with an ex, envisioned marrying an ex, maybe even proposed.

Some people even have children with their ex.

THE PURITY IS GONE, PEOPLE!! It’s no one’s first time at the rodeo anymore.

But, it’s what you DO with that baggage (ideally: drop it like it’s hotttt) that determines whether you should be dating other people or not.

Oh, you’re still in love with your girlfriend from college a gajillion years ago but she’s living with her new boyfriend now?
Cool. Stop texting her.

Oh, you’re scared that your baby mamma is going to go ape shit that you’re dating someone new so you instruct your son to say that your new girlfriend is the “BABYSITTER??”
Cool. Grow some balls.

The thing about these “baggage people” is that they appear very normal and then you realize during date FIVE that they’re hung up on someone else and unable to give you their full attention.
It’s a complete a waste of time.

I used to think this only applied to guys I met in college, who more often than not had a high school girlfriend attending college in another state who was their Rushmore.
(OH, ARE THEY? Sorry. Wes Anderson humor.)

But, no. Baggage runs deep into people’s 20s and 30s.

My friend, Stephanie, didn’t need to wait until date five to realize that Jon had baggage. On date TWO, while driving her home, Stephanie sat in the passenger seat in shock while Jon made a date with his ex-girlfriend on the phone FOR LATER THAT NIGHT.

“I just don’t want to hurt her feelings!” Jon said (ignoring Stephanie’s feelings) when he hung up.

Jon had said he and his ex’s off-and-on relationship was OFF at the moment. Stephanie had actually met the ex in question at a kickball game or two.

But when they broke up, Stephanie moved in on him. She had liked Jon for awhile and he told her how OVER his ex he was. Stephanie didn't realize that he was lying.

When the ex called, Jon had actually turned the radio down in the car and Stephanie had to sit there in silence and hear their conversation from two feet away.

“She asked what he was doing and not wanting to piss her off with my existence he said ‘I’m doing nothing,’ and set up a date with her,” Stephanie said.
Ugh
Liar.

She was completely shocked, her mouth dropped open listening to every word.
She mentally slapped herself on the forehead for sleeping with him that past weekend.

“I can’t believe you made a date with her with me sitting in the car!” Stephanie said.

Jon replied, “What was I supposed to say? That I couldn’t meet her tonight because we are sleeping together? I can’t do that to her.”

She mentally slapped herself twice for sleeping with him that past weekend.

“Right, of course,” Stephanie said. “God forbid you hurt her feelings.’”

When he turned onto her street, Stephanie got out of Jon’s car as soon as possible only to hear a feeble, “I care about you” through the open window.

Oh, you care about me?
Cool. Next time let it go to voicemail.

Why are these people OUT THERE dating like they don’t have previous hang-ups?

Why lead someone on when, really, you’d drop them on a dime if an EX called? Just stay home on the couch and wait with bated breath.

(This is sort of like toolbags who keep girls they are in love with around as “friends” when the girls really sabotage all their future relationships.)

It’s a terrible waste of time trying to date someone whose head is the clouds over someone else.

I wish there was a way to spot these people and ignore their romantic advances.

It would be helpful if those saddle bags made them walk funny.

-Jenny

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