I just got off the phone with an actual detective, who I imagine sitting in a little room with a wooden desk and small window, drinking hard liquor coffee, looking at pictures of criminals with a magnifying glass, whose name may or may not be Detective Eddie Valiant.
I need to stop watching HBO late night.
Unfortunately, it was NOT Eddie Valiant and we were NOT talking about PATTYCAKE, although I did mention cake, since THE PEOPLE THAT BROKE INTO MY HOUSE ATE CAKE OUT OF THE FRIDGE before (or after) stealing a laptop, camera and diamond ring.
Not only did they eat the cake, but they also drank — and then threw on the floor — the Brita water dispenser (No one ever refills that thing!!!)
The perps then LEFT THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN, a thoughtful “EFF YOU,” and by the time my twin sister, Joy, got home, all the food had spoiled. Joy said the stick of butter had turned to liquid.
I’m talking about this from an absent homeowner stance. Joy, who is still living in South Carolina in the house, has had to deal with an extra large helping of shit over this.
I’m just trying to help the best I can from way down here in Toon Town New Orleans.
Have you ever had your house/car broken into? It’s much more common than I realized. Tell someone your house was broken into and you’ll hear story after story about home and car break-ins, the occasional gunpoint robbery and even a grocery store holdup (America! Fuck yea!)
I had heard about these experiences before, but this was my first time (that’s what she said!!!) Sorry, this is no time for jokes.
It makes you feel completely violated (that’s what she said), and it fills me with RAGE just thinking about the piece(s) of @$%#^&$*#&@#* rummaging through my stuff, which, yes, is still all over the house in South Carolina.
In addition to rage, Joy and our roommates are also scared for their safety.
I mean, what would have happened if Joy had come home on her lunch break to take a nap and seen people eating cake out the fridge? It’s frightening and gross, to think about.
And what’s with this security breach, anyway?
Our house is in the suburbs! Near the beach! In the four years we’ve lived there, we haven’t had so much as a chair stolen from the backyard.
Which is exactly what I told EDDIE VALIANT today.
But, for real, this nightmare is ongoing. We’ve gone from Pleasantville to CRIME SCENE. We had to buy new doors, new locks, new butter for the fridge AND an alarm system.
But the thieves don’t care about the alarm system. It’s been going off every other day from someone or something trying to get in the back door.
Obviously these @$%#^&$*#&@#* aren’t scared of the alarm or the poo poo police.
Take me seriously!!!
Eddie Valient didn’t really have any answers for me, other than to say they’ve arrested six people (six??!) and the “rash” of break-ins is caused by people “affected by the economy.”
Oh, they’re “affected” by the economy? Well, who isn’t?? I can only afford happy hour prices for God sake!!! And I haven’t had cake in months.
It’s infuriating that people can get away with taking things from other people’s houses like it ain’t no thang. I wish I would have thought to rig up the house with nets and thumbtacks, Home Alone style.
Like, have the TV prompted to the old movie with the gangster:
“I’M GONNA GIVE YOU TILL THE COUNT OF THREE....TO GET YOUR UGLY, YELLA, NO GOOD KEISTER OFF MY PROPERTY!... BEFORE I PUMP YOUR GUTS FULL OF LEAD!”
OK, let’s not downplay the situation into something childish. Clearly, this calls for THE DIP.